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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I'm letting my kids down

22 replies

bobbyboo43 · 07/05/2023 22:04

I have always been a homebody type of person but in my teens and twenties I did a fair bit of travelling and enjoyed things like music festivals and city breaks. Now I'm in my late thirties and I don't really know what happened but I really struggle with going to new places. I suspect a lot of it is down to anxiety which emerged some time after having my first dc. I panic a lot in unfamiliar places. I don't like travel and I have to have quite rigid routines at home. My anxiety manifests itself in panic attacks that create quite severe stomach issues and often urgently needing the loo. For this reason I get very nervous about travel and places where I can't quickly access a toilet. Honestly I would never believe I'm the same person who took greyhound buses and inter-railing trips in my twenties!!!

Anyway I've tried a lot of therapies and medications over the years. Nothing seems to help. And to be perfectly honest I like being at home or close to home. I take my primary age kids out a lot to the park, cinema, familiar walks, swimming, libraries, play dates etc. But holidays and days out to places far away are still a struggle for me. I'm starting to feel like they are missing out because of my issues and it's really upsetting.

I don't know what else I can do to try and overcome this. I've started to think it's just how I am now. I do occasionally force myself to do things out of my comfort zone but I dread it and never really enjoy it until I either familiarise myself with the place or am on my way home!

Is anyone else like this? Am I letting my kids down?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 22:07

We didn't go anywhere when I was a kid because we were too poor. I don't think I was damaged by it and made up for it once I'd flown the nest.

MaryJanesonabreak · 07/05/2023 22:13

It’s fine. There’s no actual need to go far. Enjoy your kids, enjoy your days out, everyone does it differently. My family were constantly dragging us off to far flung countries, I never travelled once I grew up.

Droppit · 07/05/2023 22:13

It sounds like your kids are having a great childhood. You really don't need to worry about that. I hope you manage to find a therapy which helps you but in the meantime enjoy the things you feel comfortable doing.

dodofofo · 07/05/2023 22:16

You're not letting them down, no.

A few different scenarios can prevent someone from taking their kids abroad / away a lot; whether it's due to financial restrictions or fears etc, they're all valid reasons and don't amount to letting them down!

KnittingDiva · 07/05/2023 22:25

Your kids aren't missing out but you need to get help with your anxiety issues as they may get worse if you ignore them. Have you tried cognitive behavior therapy?

TheWildOnesRunningWithTheDogs · 07/05/2023 22:27

It sounds like your children have a nice life, doing things they enjoy. Exotic experiences aren't the mark of a good childhood.

Original poster

bobbyboo43 · 07/05/2023 22:34

KnittingDiva · 07/05/2023 22:25

Your kids aren't missing out but you need to get help with your anxiety issues as they may get worse if you ignore them. Have you tried cognitive behavior therapy?

I have and it did nothing for me. I've also tried different medications, lifestyle changes, exercise, I've read books, listened to podcasts. It's just a vicious cycle between IBS (which I do have) and anxiety which has gradually taken over my life.

My kids are loved and happy but it upsets me because I know it's purely my issues that are stopping us from doing more. I do try but it's unpleasant and borderline traumatic at times. However once I've actually done it I do feel happy that we've have a new experience. It's just hard to enjoy at the time.

OP posts:

KnittingDiva · 07/05/2023 22:41

@bobbyboo43 I hear what you're saying. I really wouldn't worry about this being an issue for your kids (happy kids don't really care about foreign holidays). I think the kids are somewhat irrelevant to your problem.

One of my sons (18) suffers from anxiety and particularly related to travel (its not fear of flying or anything more about fear of not being able to get out of airports/planes to get fresh air to calm down). His therapist says not good to develop coping strategies which for him are always getting outside and walking around (for you I suggest its avoiding travel at all) but rather to learn to sit with it and the consequences and not catastrophizing to look anxiety in the face and say 'this is what it is , the very worst consequence is I won't get on the plane etc..' Am probably not explaining it very well but it has really changed his attitude and helped him. The IBS complicates things but is somewhat separate but connected i know with the link between head and gut!

blitzen · 07/05/2023 22:48

I feel really similar to you, OP. I think things for me were exacerbated by the pandemic and although I will see friends and live fairly normally on the surface, I would really rather just hang out at home. I think I have low level agoraphobia or something. Definitely anxiety related. I've found a couple of things that help my IBS, such as Kefir and I've been drinking kombucha. I'm really determined to get my life back this year. I'm due another baby this month and will use my maternity leave to try to improve things. Although I'll have another major plate to spin!

GraysPapaya · 07/05/2023 22:54

This book really helped me Op, and I’ve tried several different books and therapies. This was the book that got through to me!

https://amzn.eu/d/d538U70

The premise is very much you need to do the scary thing whilst you’re still afraid, you’ll get through it fine and then each time after that it gets easier. It’s just the fear itself that’s the issue, it really works! Good luck Op.

https://amzn.eu/d/d538U70?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-4801471-to-feel-like-im-letting-my-kids-down

junebirthdaygirl · 07/05/2023 22:54

I am older than you and as part of menopause started having issues with an overactive bladder. It was made worse by Covid when a lot of toilet facilities weren't open. It really hampered my life and all my thoughts going anywhere were around where l would access a bathroom. I started to avoid situations and it really affected my mental health. You have my sympathy as like you l liked to travel, try new things etc. Have you tried anxiety medication? Your dc will be fine but l would encourage you to try everything to beat this as you don't want to limit your own opportunities

pastypirate · 08/05/2023 00:04

Have you tried beta blockers? Honestly they were life changing for me.

Original poster

bobbyboo43 · 08/05/2023 08:20

GraysPapaya · 07/05/2023 22:54

This book really helped me Op, and I’ve tried several different books and therapies. This was the book that got through to me!

https://amzn.eu/d/d538U70

Yes I actually have the audio book of this. I was really hopeful because it seemed like such a logical strategy but the truth is I've struggled to put it into practice. I get that the premise is to sit with the anxiety, accept it and even welcome it which I may be able to do it there wasn't an imminent threat of me shitting myself! Sorry to be blunt but that's really how I feel and it's so hard to stay calm and focused when my tummy starts going.

I do use beta blockers too which are quite good at calming the initial feelings of panic (racing heart etc) but don't do anything for the gut symptoms.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 08/05/2023 08:24

I only once went on holiday ,to North Wales, when I was a kid, I was fine !
Stop thinking about what you think you should be doing, and do what you enjoy doing. Your kids can travel when they are older and independent.
I think SM has got a lot to answer for, you see all of these people apparently having great adventures and it makes you feel like you should want to do it too, but we should live our lives as we want to.

RudsyFarmer · 08/05/2023 08:32

We have never taken the kids out of the country and have none of your reasons. I also had a very quiet life as a child and it was fine. I probably was a little jealous of my friends as a teen but did do a bit of travelling in my twenties.

AuntieJune · 08/05/2023 08:35

I don't think your kids are being hard done by right now. A few generations ago, people barely left their local area and it was the norm. So long as they're healthy and stimulated, it's ok.

You should tackle it though, because it's impacting your life. And because as your kids grow they'll know you have anxiety and it will affect them. Seeing you try to address it will teach them valuable lessons, even if it's hard or even unsuccessful. A mother who is trapped by anxiety but decides to just live that way is quite a downer, right?

RoseGoldEagle · 08/05/2023 08:39

I take my primary age kids out a lot to the park, cinema, familiar walks, swimming, libraries, play dates etc

OP, all these things are lovely things for children to do, it doesn’t sound like your children are missing out at all. Is there anything in particular you’re thinking you’d like to do but can’t- a theme park, or foreign travel, or going out somewhere in particular? I don’t think any of those things make a childhood, they can be fun of course, but most of my lovely childhood memories come from the simplest things, mainly just spending time with my parents and sisters. If there is something in particular could your partner (if you have one) or a family member take them? (To a local attraction I mean, not foreign travel!). Honestly your situation sounds really stressful for you, but I don’t think it sounds like your children are missing out at all.

romdowa · 08/05/2023 08:40

You say that you've taken steps to control the anxiety but have you tried to control the ibs? Elimination diets to see if it's an intolerance? Some people do well with fodmap diet, others a low histamine diet. Eliminating the anxiety around soiling yourself might go along way to helping you get out more. I've a bowel condition and I know the fear of soiling yourself in public , it's terrifying 😳

Singleandproud · 08/05/2023 08:44

If you want to take them away then there is an awful lot to see in the UK before you even start thinking of going abroad.

DD has autism and likes to travel but has to be involved in the planning. We always stay in Premier Inns because they are always decorated the same, the breakfast set up is the same, although there are dinner menu changes it's much of the sameness.

We map out everything we are going to do, she'll often use Google maps to see where we are going.

We recently went to London and its the first time since covid so she watched a video of how to use the oyster cards.

We plan one activity a day so she doesn't get overwhelmed but leaving our options open if she's up for more.

If you drive that gives you more control but trains even if delayed are also good as you can play games with the children and have immediate access to toilets.

RedHelenB · 08/05/2023 08:57

I'd take care that they're not picking up on your anxieties.

Original poster

bobbyboo43 · 08/05/2023 09:32

romdowa · 08/05/2023 08:40

I think it could be hormonal. I haven't noticed any major food triggers. Coffee sometimes makes it really bad but that's not unusual and I avoid it completely if I have to go somewhere. However I do think stress/anxiety is the number one cause. If I'm at home or somewhere I perceive as safe I rarely get symptoms. It's only when I'm in a new or stressful situation that the issues arise. They do crop up at home now and then and actually have been much worse lately so im seeing my GP next week regarding the physical side of things. But I feel like I've exhausted a lot of the mental/emotional treatments already.

OP posts:

Choconut · 08/05/2023 10:30

I never went abroad until I was in my 20's, have been loads since then but don't feel I missed out as a child.

A couple of things OP, what about going with a friend or a family member? Would having another family with you make it feel less stressful? Or alternatively what about picking a destination that has a lot to offer and going back there every year? That way once you've been there once or twice you'll hopefully feel a lot more confident because you'll know how everything works and what to expect - but potentially you could go off on different day trips if you wanted to push yourself or see something new.

You talk about rigid routines, panic at the unfamiliar and anxiety and I was just wondering if you were possibly ND? If you have no social issues and never had any issues before you had your first then probably not - but the mention of rigid routines just made me wonder.

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