Relative who is selectively recluse

[Lotzana]

An elderly relative has gradually become a bit of a recluse since COVID - but only with family it seems as they're still going to appointments and meeting up with certain friends.

They didn't go out much initially due to infection risk which was totally understandable. But even long after restrictions were gone they still insisted they couldn't see us and were being careful.

Countless times now we've offered to meet socially distanced, do an outdoor event, come to them to take them out or just stop by to say hello. We live a couple of hours away.

It always gets turned down or Covid used as an excuse when it's us or other close family (who have also tried to organise something), yet this relative has been meeting up with a few friends near where they live and also doing some charity work which occasionally involved contact with others.

I spoke about this with another family member as I was a bit hurt that our invitations get turned down yet non family invitations and events seem fine and I couldn't understand why.

Other relative said it's due to elderly relative feeling overwhelmed and emotional when they see family now. So whilst they still keep in touch on email and phone and send thoughtful things in the post, they now find face to face too much so prefer to avoid it completely. It's not out of malice or bad feeling, they are just emotionally fragile. They are still keen to hear from us and do make an effort but it's all via phone and email. Meeting is out of the question.

Part of me totally understands that and I no longer suggest to meet, just have a nice chat on the phone every few weeks.

But part of me is Hurt and angry and thinking: is this it? We never see them again now until they die because the sight of us might be too much for them? It just seems like such a sad waste and so avoidant of them.

There's probably nothing I can do and I've stopped insisting several months ago. Maybe IBU and this is part of old age but I always thought older people liked having their family around?

I'm sorry but maybe they just don't want to see you and prefer their own friends. You can't force yourself on people.

You really can't lump all old people together as liking "having their family around"! You are obviously hurt but it sounds like they have their reasons and they have been explained to you. We have had an elderly relative do similar, but in our case we don't know why they don't want to actually see anyone in person. We check on their care, send letters and occasionally speak on the phone so they know we love them and would love to see them if the situation changes... but we certainly don't pressure them. They are in their late 90's and want to live their last months/years in this way and we have to respect it, even if it saddens us. That is all you can do really unless you want to pull away from them too.

I do respect their decision and still keep in touch by phone. It just feels sad to think I won't see them again before they die tbh even though they're just a drive away

A lot of people dropped family and friends through COVID taking the chance to reflect on whether connections in their life were working for them. It might feel hurtful but it is exhausting to see family and perhaps its easier for them to be around people who they only need 30 mins or so in touch, if you're 2 hours away then is it a long visit? Or does it feel like a big deal? Or maybe they struggle to relate if you're busy with kids/ school and work and their life isn't about that

It's very sad. The emotional turmoil of Covid and having no access to their family has clearly had a devastating effect on them to the point where they are unable to accept the risk of that hurt repeating.

Obviously this is something that could be tackled through therapy but the chances of someone 80+ agreeing to that? Slim at best right?

I'm sorry you're going through this, don't allow people to minimise the devastation of this which is just another consequence of the pandemic and our reaction to it.

They do make considerable effort on email and sending thoughtful cards and flowers through the post so they're not looking to cut us off or not have anything to do with us but I think they find non face to face contact with us much easier now and so channel energy into that.

We could easily visit them for an afternoon and pop in for a coffee without making it a big thing but I just don't think they want that anymore. It's too much

Or maybe they have just re-evaluated how they want to spend their time. I no longer go to events I don't want to but used to feel pressurised into.

Obviously this is something that could be tackled through therapy but the chances of someone 80+ agreeing to that? Slim at best right?

Yes I think therapy would probably be helpful for them but you're right, at nearly 90 that's not going to happen.

I don't think it's ethical to use therapy to make people agree with you if they are quite happy the way they are.

They just don't want to see you and now they have a good excuse which they didn't have before. It's not that deep, no therapy needed.

Maybe in the past family members keep offering unasked for advice. Or maybe the person is rich or owns a property and thinks family members are trying to cosy up to them.

Some people are avoidantly attached and not just that friendly. They can control local friends but hate bring trapped in their own home with family visiting, whom they can't ask to leave.

I think that Covid placed an almost unbearable pressure on some old people and unfortunately, closed down their worlds in ways that they will never get past.

Before the pandemic, my parents would regularly tackle trips abroad, including fairly complex journeys. Three years on and I don’t think they will ever travel abroad again, including visiting me as I live outside the UK. Fortunately for me, they still welcome family into their home, but Covid has massively changed their lives. It would have happened eventually anyway, but Covid and lockdowns accelerated it.

It’s very sad, OP, but it sounds to me as if your relative has been affected mentally by Covid and lockdown. Doing anything outside of local routine might feel overwhelming, as might entertaining people at home, for example. I assume a range of different types of meetings has been offered and rejected?

I note you also say “us” when talking about visiting. How many of you are there visiting and might a one-to-one, outside the relative’s house, be less daunting?

It must feel desperately sad, particularly if this is a close relative. I don’t have any answers, but I can well imagine it must be very tough indeed.

Just a thought but do you think they might have let things slide at home? Perhaps they'd feel uncomfortable letting you knowing what a mess their home is in. They can't have tou round but visiting you would be too much of a saga and if they don't drive they'd be stuck.
Are these friends close by? Are all the visits one sided?
The psychological effects of Covid and isolation cant be ignored. Some people got fat, some people turned into slobs, some became downright odd and some became nervous wrecks. Those living alone were most at risk. Many are still where we left them....struggling.

how close are they in terms of being relatives? I guess the response depends on if they are close family or not.

This person has been like a grandparent to me in the past, although they are actually my grandparents sibling. They won't let my grandparent or parent visit either but they do rely heavily on my parent to sort various affairs out for them and ring them weekly to ask for help (help with Ordering things online, sorting out technology issues) my parent offered to travel up to help them with these things as its difficult to sort over the phone but they refused. I think the situation is more difficult for my parent as they help this relative a lot but then can't see them and help them in person.

There are no major assets or inheritance involved here either so thats not part of any equation. We just wanted to see them

This. There’s nothing wrong with the relative, they’ve just made choices that the family don’t like. They’re not reclusive, they see friends and do charity work. It must hurt the family but it’s how they want to live.

We all lived a few hours from my gran in various directions, and in her last four years she would visit occasionally if my aunt brought her to us, but she avoided having us visit her and mostly only saw her fellow silvertops near her.

I found out from my parent that she was uneasy with us seeing her home adaptions and it was a bit much for her to host anymore. But she was still having an active social life at the day centre with friends.

My nan often took time to spend on her own, including over a few christmasses. She had a lot of friends and we saw a lot of her, so sometimes she just preferred the quiet.