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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end sexless marriage

25 replies

RightyThen · 07/05/2023 19:45

been with husband 20 years. 2 dc under 10. husband is not affectionate or intimate with me hasn’t been for a long time in the last 3 years with probably had sex 5 times.
besides that no cuddles no kisses only what I prompt.

last week I finally said enough is enough I need us to be more close. Dh said he can’t be affectionate with me as he doesn’t trust me- this is down to 2 incidents.

1- in the first 6 months of our relationship someone kissed me I pushed him away but didn’t tell husband (boyfriend) at the time until years later
2- I was msg a man one evening friend of a friend it wasn’t flirty imo but I did lie about it when sh saw the msg I thought he’d be mad so told him it was someone I went to school with (a lie) I was drunk at the time I can’t remember why I did it. I never in a million years would have acted on it. Ever.

DH has said he’s not sure he can ever forgive me or move forward. I’m at a loss.
I have a lot of resentment I’ve had to suck up over the years for the sake over a happy family- having an abortion I didn’t want to, being treated like crap by his family and him not having my back, living with no affection whatsoever etc but I do it to keep the kids happy.
we are looking into a marriage counsellor but I think from husband pov he would leave it like this forever. I feel like I will never be happy again.

im not even sure this trust issue is real or an excuse for other reasons he can’t have sex? I’ve gained a significant amount of weight due to mental health issues. So it might be just not attractive to him now.

I don’t want this sexless existence but can I end a generally happy family life over lack of sex? The kids are well provided for we adore them and they’ve got a lovely life and things I would have dreamed of when I was little so it seems so selfish to start pulling all that apart just because of my feelings.

OP posts:

Spiderplantweb · 07/05/2023 19:49

Yes you can. 100%. You absolutely deserve to be happy. You are not a nun. If he can’t forgive you he needs to let you go, otherwise he needs to get over it. It’s not you ending it it’s him- you made a mistake, he can’t punish you forever

CuriouslyDifferent · 07/05/2023 19:59

You both deserve to be happy.

The weight and trust thing on his side is probably a mood killer. Some guys simply won’t when they don’t fancy someone any more and yes, trust issues do exist, particularly for some types of men, which if he is settling for a sexless marriage, suggests he fits the type.

How you feel you’ve been treated, seems to be secondary to your physical needs, but irrespective both need to improve. (I deduced this from your post being about sex, with your other issues mentioned as issues second.)

kinda says to me, time to move on from each other. I’m afraid no matter the gender who initiates the lack of sex, the other person has to live with it or move on, although many on MN say shut up and put up with it. I don’t, I think it’s too important.

The only thing I suspect you can do, if you think the weight issues are his real root cause, is work on that.

Sorry.

Red0 · 07/05/2023 20:19

OP I read your post and thought oh she’s not happy, she should definitely leave and hopefully find happiness.
But then at the end I considered would you really put an end to your DCs happy life that you describe just because of sex? Probably an unpopular suggestion I imagine.
I mean it probably boils down to more than just that really, and hopefully a relationship councillor can help you both figure things out.

batsandeggs · 07/05/2023 20:24

You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to have a happy mother. If you love your husband and want a future with him then I would go down all the usual routes first - marriage counselling, sex therapist if you’re both open to it - but ultimately layout out completely where you’re at with your husband to him and both being willing to put in the effort to save it. Otherwise leave. Sex is very much a valid reason to leave and particularly here because clearly there are deep rooted issues that extend beyond that.

Scuttlingherbert · 07/05/2023 20:50

I'm not convinced you would be ending a happy family life over sex - it doesn't sound like everything is perfect besides the sex.

Personally I'm finding sex a bit of a struggle post baby but if my husband was not affectionate I'd find that very difficult. I think affection and sex are different things.

Having an abortion you didn't want to have is a big deal as well, as is being treated badly his family.

Xrays · 07/05/2023 20:55

I don’t believe he’s being honest about those issues being the reason. I think he’s just gone off sex, either with you or in general. I suspect in general because from my limited experience of men they will tend to either end a relationship or cheat if they’re wanting sex, yours is telling you he’s happy to live without sex forever. I don’t think there’s any happy resolution here. Either you’re going to end up upsetting someone (kids or your life in general) to get what you want or you’re going to upset yourself staying in a marriage that isn’t right for you. Very difficult.

Bunnywabbity · 07/05/2023 21:04

So you didn't kiss a man and you texted another man and nothing happened and for this your DH will never have sex with you ever again. Sounds like an excuse to me.

DustyLee123 · 07/05/2023 21:26

It’s not just sex though, he doesn’t trust you and you are resentful.

BlockStreet · 07/05/2023 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GrumpyPanda · 07/05/2023 21:49

What you describe sounds like anything but a "generally happy family life."

Thesharkradar · 07/05/2023 21:51

I think that if I was in your situation I would pretend and play nice for a few years until the children were older and in that time I'd focus on myself and get things organised for the next phase of my life.
It sounds like he's not really a partner, has no real loyalty to you and just wants an easy life, also wants to enjoy punishing you over nothing.
I wouldnt bother trying to talk to him or level with him in any way, just tell him what he wants to hear and whatever will make life easiest for you

ittakes2 · 07/05/2023 21:55

I think you need to look at it as you are a role model for your children. And what you are currently modelling for them is to put your needs last - its OK if you are unhappy as long as others are happy. Is that what you want for them when they are all grown up? To live an unhappy life for the sake of others?

BeverlyHa · 07/05/2023 21:56

He does not find you sexy or has someone else

polkadotdalmation · 07/05/2023 22:03

The two incidents are nothing whatsoever. 2 affairs would have been an issue but those? Never. He is using them as an excuse to keep you down, to not question his coldness and keep you feeling guilty of nothing so he can control you. Please go. This type of man would drain my souls.

Weatherwax13 · 07/05/2023 22:32

He's using these very minor past incidents as an excuse for horrible behaviour and trying to gaslight you into thinking he's justified. Your mental health issues are probably directly related to him making you miserable.
Rather than marriage counselling I'd suggest you look into individual counselling for yourself to unpick how you're feeling and why you're allowing yourself to be treated like this. I think you'll then have a clear idea of whether it's worth attempting to save the marriage.

Original poster

RightyThen · 07/05/2023 22:43

I really appreciate your responses all much appreciated. For the sake of being candid and honest I must say I have adhd and do comfort drink at least 5beers per night which I worry /husband suggests would be a reason the dc might not get 💯 time with me

OP posts:

Xrays · 07/05/2023 23:23

RightyThen · 07/05/2023 22:43

Do you think this might actually be the reason he’s not wanting to be intimate with you? Have you ever tried to stop?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2023 23:28

Two things. One, allow yourself to admit this marriage is over. It's simply not working, for either of you. End it amicably and move on. Secondly, you need to stop drinking. You are on a very, very slippery slope. Get help if you need it.

WhatWeDoInTheShadow · 07/05/2023 23:30

Agree with pp...this isn't an otherwise happy marriage with no sex. It sounds unhappy and also no sex.

Yanbu at all. And him having issues with something you did 20 years ago is very weak. That isn't a you problem imo

ArcticSkewer · 07/05/2023 23:34

If you leave you won't get 100% time with the kids (unless he doesn't parent them) so of course that part is true. Regardless of how much you drink.

He sounds like he is looking for excuses to make you feel bad. Bet he would be surprised and horrified if you actually left ... and told him you expect him to parent 50% of the time.

Kitkatcatflap · 08/05/2023 00:03

I read something the other that said the major cause of relationship breakdowns was not the usual suspects - infidelity, falling out of love or conflict. It resentment, once that had set in .......
It sounds like he has a lot of resentment and is punishing you by withdrawing intimacy.

Scottishskifun · 08/05/2023 05:43

RightyThen · 07/05/2023 22:43

At least 5 beers a night is not comfort drinking that's bordering on alcohol dependency and might be a big factor in the issues in your marriage.

First and foremost you should be cutting down/cut this out. There is a risk a court would see this as you being an alcoholic yes.

Pippa12 · 08/05/2023 06:09

It does sound like your husband is making excuses, how long ago was the texting incident?

My husband is drinking too much at the minute, I don’t find it attractive. I’m resentful of the lack of ‘sober’ conversation, him falling asleep catching flies whilst we are trying to watch something, how he has to ‘have a drink’ everywhere we go and if I am having a drink instead (so he drives!) he’s narky. The cost of 4 cans every night also pisses me off! He is currently trying to cut down and only drinking 2 days a weeks. I’m proud of him of trying to correct something he’s recognised has spiralled. Could the resentment lie around drink?

If you are unhappy with your weight, this is something you need to change for you. The lbs will drop off cutting down on alcohol and you’ll likely see your mood lift.

Take care, above all else you deserve to be happy, and if that’s acheived by waking away from a unhappy marriage so be it!

Snoken · 08/05/2023 06:56

I would really struggle to find my partner attractive if they drank five beers every night. He probably doesn’t want to tell you that it is because you are drunk or out of shape that he doesn’t want to sleep with you because that makes him sound shallow. it sounds like you have really let yourself go and changed your behaviour and appearance but you expect him to feel exactly the same for you. That isn’t realistic.

If you want a happy and intimate relationship you need to stay sober and take care of yourself. It’s also not fair on your children to have to grow up with a drunk mother.

legalseagull · 08/05/2023 17:21

He's using those very minor things as an excuse. Sorry OP but it sounds like he's checked out and is trying to make you the bad guy.

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