Friendship drifting apart

[lcn39]

Hi
Im just looking for some advice /opinion on a friend I feel is getting more distant .I met her when my kids were young at a mums and tots group so have known her for 7 years. We had loads in common both moved here from different areas have family far away and married men from this country (N.I.) We got on great and did lots together with kids and I was often at her place for a chat and a coffee or she would come to mine, always got gifts for each other and the kids etc then a couple of years ago she split with her husband she had a break down and was in a bad way i went over to her house nearly every day to check on her she eventually got help and since then met someone new and got a new job, Im delighted for her and shes ok again . Only thing is I barely see her anymore and miss her, I met her new fella once and he seems nice.
I get shes busy but I feel left behind ive seen her in person probably three times since.
She sends her boys over to play with mine and sometimes asks them over but never asks me to come over for a chat, I have suggested meeting up locally to make it easy for her but shes either doing something with him or has a reason why she cant. I just feel confused as she chats away on fb and i lost my beloved cat recently she got a stone made for her and sent it to me which is lovely but havent actually seen her in person since that happend.I just feel I needed someone to talk too as I was down about it, and also a family friend passed away we talked on fb but again I felt I needed to see her in person for support but it didn't happen. Anyway bottom line ive been there for her in person during tough times but she doesn't seen to want to do the same' I also feed her cat when she goes away somewhere, it feels like she only wants to keep the friendship between her boys and mine but doesn't care that i'm feeling lonley with out her , AIBU? Maybe im wrong but its just seems our friendship has changed dramatically something I thought would never happen ,she a nice person and I just want to see her but am not sure weather to ask her again or wait to see if she will, would what you do in this situation?

I'm so sorry OP, but it's sounds like she feels the friendship has run its course. Sometimes that's what happens when you meet through the children.
Also, she perhaps associates you with a negative time in her life and wants to move on. This is obviously NO fault of yours, as you sound like a brilliant friend, but unfortunately that sometimes happens.
If I were you, I'd give it one last chance to reconnect. Just a simple, honest text saying that you miss her and would she like to meet up. My guess is that she'll say yes, but it may not materialise. I hope I'm wrong.
Good luck.

Hi thanks for your reply, ya you could be right, its just sad its come to that and hard to take a we were once so close. Its just difficult as her boys play most days with mine so I cant just stop speaking to her which I dont want to do either. yes Ill try reach out one more time I guess ill know then where I stand, its just good to get some outside perspective on it thank you

No problem and really hope it works out for you

I think sometimes the balance in a friendship can change like this, and it's best to accept it and fill your time with other things. It may be that further down the line your lives converge more again, so nice to maintain contact, but alter your expectations to avoid being hurt xx

Sounds like she isn’t interest in the friendship in the level you are, any more. I think just try to accept that she isn’t feeling it the way you are and ignore your feeling regarding the boys.

It may be that her new partner doesn't really like her to have other friends - I have one friend whose husband is like that. I'm not worried because she is the stronger character and only goes along with it to the extent that it suits her. Your friend may be more terrified of being single than she is bothered about maintaining her friendships, which is common.

Don't fall out with her since she is still making an effort to stay in touch and show concern. But don't be dependent on her either - you need to build other close friendships, and you will find out as time goes on how this original friendship evolves.

This is why I try to avoid getting close to people, OP. People just drop you and pick you back up again when it suits them. Hardly anyone knows what it is to be a true friend. It’s a sad fact of life. Sounds like you were used when she needed someone there and now she no longer needs you as she has a boyfriend.

@JMSA thank you, and thanks everyone for all the replies on this, ya I know she is devoting a lot of time and effort to her new partner which is completely understandable, ya am trying to fill my time with other things I'm currently trying to start a new business so I have a lot going on myself ya maybe it would be good to stay in touch without any expectations, I don't pressure her to meet up I just suggest it now and then. @PrinceHaz ya I wouldn't want the boys to not be friends as they are still very close and they are the only decent friends they have around here @TheYearOfSmallThings you could be right on that too she got into a bad relationship after the break up before this one so its the first time she's being treated really well which I'm glad about, ya things could change again in time , its just hard as ,my family live far away but I see them as often as I can.

Op I had it too. Friendly with a mam through our girls. I got phased out past year. I feel silly looking back suggesting walks or coffee. You def get used. Im just keeping busy now. Im not being used again

@Mary46 aw I'm sorry that happened to you too that's awful its a terrible feeling isn't it . Ya I know her life has changed mine hasn't much since I've known her but I can only stay true to myself, thats the thing i don't want to think that I was being used but but it has crossed my mind its a shame really as she didn't used to be like that. You are just right keep busy when you can

@JudgeRinderonTinder I Just saw your reply yep sadly it does seem that way I have been thinking that too its hard getting close to people and they only ending up hurting you , ya I think so people don't want to maintain genuine friendships anymore :(

Sometimes when people go through something absolutely awful - and certain people are closely associated with that time in their lives - they tend to mentally want to block that period and properly move on - which means doing away with the feelings of discomfort that people associated with that time might bring.

You may be too strongly associated in her mind with her breakdown but phase and maybe she just doesn’t want reminders of that anymore.

doesn’t make it less hurtful for you but might be a reason why,

Thanks op its a lesson to me dont get too invested in friends going forward. The girls drifted in secondary so that prob added to it. On a plus another mam the boy in my dd class through the years Im meet her this week. But she agrees these things knock your confidence

@lcn39 sorry to hear your feeling this way, I know how your feeling. My sil who I would have said was one of my best friends. We did everything together.

she just went really funny with me, stopped coming round stopped inviting me. Stopped wanting to spend time with us. Hardly ever messages if I message for some reason it could take her days to reply. Even tho she’s been online ect.

I’ve put it down to her getting a boyfriend and him not liking us. She also did this to one of her other really close friends.

it hurts I know. I’ve never said anything. And just pulled away and distanced myself as much as I can. Once I’ve been hurt it’s hard to let them back in again.

its really sad when we have loved someone and would die for them for them to just dump us like rubbish.

it’s about them and not us that’s what I say x

Sounds to me like she's focussing on her new relationship. It's prob nothing you've done and about her. Especially if she's sending her kids round to play. It's shit when friends drop friends for a partner but it does happen. Have you suggested a night out or a specific meet up?

@Farmgirl12 ah that sounds so hurtful after being so close, ya it could have been because of her new boyfriend its just so puzzling though isnt it ,yep here was a time we would have done anything to help each other.@Mary46 ya its very hard to trust again its really does affect your confidence for sure you think you know a person then suddenly everything changes, I hope it works out with the other mum you are meeting up with.@lunaloveroo I have thought that too , ya thats what i find strange she wants the kids to play why would she do that if she didnt want anymore contact with me but I agree it can happen friends acn get left behind when their other friend meets a new partner, I havrn't really said about going anywhere in particular I dod mention we should get a night out that was a good bit ago but it hasnt happend yet.@SittingNextToIt ya you might be right my husband said that too that she could be embarassed because I saw her at her worst maybe she's afraid I'll bring it up or tell her new boyfriend but I wouldn't do that to her.

Thanks op. My mam had it too a lifelong friend it fizzled out. People are just not reliable now.

@Mary46 ah did she its just sad isn't it I think you're right and a lot seem to just sent a msg on fb etc without actually meeting up

I would meet up with her again and uf she puts you down etc, I'd point out to her that she seems to be putting you down a lot lately and that you wonder why as she never used to.
If she backtracks, denies or dismisses it then explain you leave you leave your meet ups feeling crap instead of on a high.. Give her time to think on it. See how it goes next time. If her attitude changes for the better or if she apologises, all good.
If not then gradually phase her out.
In a similar situation and have decided not to bother seeing a friend who doesn't value my time, only hers. I'm not going to see her again. There's no point in discussing as she won't change, she even laughed when she forgot to turn up for a lunch and that really hurt and angered me. Its hard when you've had a friendship for many years but I guess you have to consider what you're gaining from such a friendship. Friends are meant to enhance eachothers lives after all, whats the point?

ya?

@Walesagogo hey sorry i didnt reply I was only holidays im not long back, ya the problem though is I barely see her in person last time I saw her was in june i bumped into her in the shop and we got talking then she said was going to the gym i said i would go too if she wanted company so she said she would give a lift and the next day she did. We talked etc. just like normal and she did say must go to her house sometime or to the park with the kids I said that'd be great and left it at that. Anyway she asked if I wanted to go to the gym the following week I genuinely wasn't feeling well so couldn't go .So since then I asked if her kids wanted to come sleepover and asked if she wanted to come to mine for a bit. She said sleepover would be great but she could use the time to put in a shift at work that she needed the money so she couldn't come over, I understood this but felt a bit hurt that she couldn't come over even for a few minutes before leaving, Anyway I let her boys sleepover the came over themselves , then she asked if she could take them bowling the following week for her sons birthday but didn't ask if I wanted to go I know its nice to ask mine anyway she came to pick them up but didn't bother to get out of the car to talk to me so again I'm left thinking was she trying to avoid me it just seems odd and yet she will send me msgs and talk away so Im confused! Sometimes I wonder if she's keeping in touch just so her boys can be friends with mine. oh that's awful she laughed about missing a meet up that's very hurtful. Ya I have been thinking the same thing if she's not adding anything to my life then i should let her go but because our kids still play it would be hard to do and I feel f I say something it will make it akward for them. At the moment I'm thinking I won't ask her to meet up or come over any more I 'll leave it up to her and see what happens