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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not ok to tell your children that you MIGHT pick them up on a certain day

13 replies

Literallynoideaatall · 07/05/2023 17:27

So kids dad told them yesterday that he "might" pick them up today and they can stay overnight at his- Today he called at 5pm and said he's not going to pick them up- fine but telling them maybe yesterday and making them wait all day until 5pm got an answer is just mean. Why not just say no in the first place.

Apparently i am being a bitch and he can tell them he "might" pick them up if he wants to and that I shouldn't let them ask him if they can see him any extra days beyond the 4 days a month he has them (so if they call him on the phone he wants me to tell them that they're not allowed to ask their dad if they can see him. They are nearly 10 and 6 )

I feel like if a 10 year old wants to call his dad then I'm not going to stop him and he can ask his dad whatever he likes and it's up to his dad to say yes or no. Saying maybe is annoying because it gets the kids hopes ups and they don't know what's happening. They've been asking all day and I haven't had an answer to give them

he does this all the time. He's making it sound like I am acting crazy because I said it's not really fair to do that.
One of the dc is autistic also and it helps him to know what he's doing and when which is another factor.

OP posts:

Reugny · 07/05/2023 17:34

Stay neutral and strong.

Their dad's comeuppance will soon arrive.

The others will tell the autistic one their dad is a lost cause, so say yes and arrange their own stuff anyway.

GoodChat · 07/05/2023 17:35

Tell him if he can't commit to things you can't guarantee you'll be available with the children so he needs to stop saying maybe.

Original poster

Literallynoideaatall · 07/05/2023 17:56

Apparently his reasoning is that he feels bad/guilty for saying no so he says maybe and then decides wether he feels "up to it" or not on the day.
I think it's a bit childish and literally illogical because if he just said no they'd be a bit disappointed but get over it fairly quickly but by saying maybe it's making things worse.
he said 9 year old is "messing with his head" by asking (he's 9 and he just wants to see his dad what a weird thing to say about a child!)
I think it's so egotistical that he basically thinks they should sit around hoping that their dad might bother to grace them with his presence!

OP posts:

AllOrNothingSituation · 07/05/2023 18:02

Oh my ex has started doing this as well. He told my daughter he might come round on Friday but didn't its just a way of them saying well I didn't say definitely so you can't be annoyed

Reugny · 07/05/2023 18:05

Apparently his reasoning is that he feels bad/guilty for saying no so he says maybe and then decides wether he feels "up to it" or not on the day.

I know older kids and adults who can't be bothered to see their other parent because of behaviour like his.

He is going to reap what he sows.

Stay out of it as much as possible by being neutral so the kids completely blame him and not you.

megletthesecond · 07/05/2023 18:06

Yanbu. You need to keep a record of everything and never chase him up.
With luck he will stop trying and your DC's will have some stability.

LolaSmiles · 07/05/2023 18:07

Stay neutral and support your children, but I'd also (in the name of not getting their hopes up) probably suggest they don't ask dad for extra days. It's crap he expects children to hang around getting their hopes up on the off chance he feels like seeing them.

When they don't ask, he's busy being selfish and they realise he's only bothered about seeing them a couple of days a month, he'll have made his own bed and can explain his behaviour to his children.

spottybug · 07/05/2023 18:20

He is messing with their tiny minds. But also they are old enough to be told that their dad has set days to see him and they shouldn't ask outside that, you and he will discuss it.

itsgettingweird · 07/05/2023 18:44

Literallynoideaatall · 07/05/2023 17:56

Ask him where the children will love if you decide one day your not "up to being a parent" too?

He's an absolute twat.

He doesn't feel bad saying no. Or he wouldn't let them down last minute.

He just likes the power and control. Not necessarily over them but by making it your fault they have the expectation.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/05/2023 19:21

He is a shit father.

ChopperC110P · 07/05/2023 19:26

What an awful way to be with your children. They’re the lowest priority in his life and he wants to make you into the bad one by tricking you into keeping them from asking him if they can spend time with him. YANBU, he is being very unreasonable.

BibbleandSqwauk · 07/05/2023 19:30

Oh is "not being up for it" an option then? Excellent, I shall down tools immediately. Twat. You really need to be clearer with ex. Ask him if he thinks parenting is optional, if he honestly thinks it's reasonable to leave anyone, let alone your own kids hanging about on a maybe. It's pretty obvious when you phrase it correctly that it's not ok. Mine are a bit older and are now starting to pull back from their dad because they know that they are not his top priority. He's shocked and trying to say they are "not allowed" to not want to come. Yours will have a similar shock soon if he doesn't shape up.

DreamTheMoors · 24/09/2023 23:23

I know a man who had the most darling daughter.
He rarely made the effort to see her, and he left her mother when she became pregnant because he “didn’t want kids.”
Just one helluva guy.
His daughter now lives in another state from him and has changed her last name to that of her stepfather.

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