To have snapped over friends boyfriends behaviour?

[Ladiesunited]

I’ve been friends with my friend for 30 years and she’s been single for a long time so I was delighted for her when she met someone.

But, he’s an absolute drip on resources. Refuses to work so he sits and plays Xbox all day, lives with his ex wife and openly admits he loves having two women running after him.

Is constantly broke beyond relief and looking to friend to pay for everything. When she sees him she has to go to his house he shares with ex, and it costs her over 60.00 each time for the train but he refuses to come to hers.

So anyway, not a great guy but now friend asked to borrow 100.00 from me for bills as she was short this month which I happily lent her as she has children and needs electricity etc, but today she’s told me she’s got train to boyfriends (60.00 expensive) and they’re going for a meal etc tonight.

So I sort of lost it, told her what a drip he is and that he needs to get a job, that he’s using her for money and he’s a waste of space etc.

She’s now said that I’m being horrible and vile and she doesn’t want to talk to me. DH says I should apologise but I don’t think I should?

I’m not sure why I’m so annoyed whether it’s because they’re using our money to go out with (we aren’t exactly rolling in it either) or the fact that this has been months of hearing about this loser.

Gah! Should I apologise? I love my friend but feel frustrated at her choices.

I would simply reply you lent her the money to pay bills, and therefore you thought she didn’t have enough money to see him as bills come first. Now you know it was to see him you want your money back and won’t be lending any more. You are sorry if she has been made upset by your comments but you love her and want her to know the truth about her boyfriend.

YANBU. Being a good friend also means being honest. If she had the money for the train fair and a meal then she had the money for the electricity. She has a huge sense of entitlement if she won't prioritise bills over seeing that useless waste of space.

Don't lend her any more money, make it clear that you are there for her as a friend, but tell her that this man is using her, draining her, and that this relationship is not a good idea and is not going to go anywhere.

A man who won't work and games all day and presumably would be homeless if his XW chucks him out, is not a good catch.

She may not take it well, but make it clear that you will be there for her when it ends (if you want to be).

tell her to give you the money back straight away. tell her you were prepared to put yourself into financial difficulty to provide electricity for her children, but not for train fare and a meal out, and you want it straight back

What a piece of work

The friend do you mean?

I mean the boyfriend doesn't seem to be hiding who he is or to have tricked Op's friend in any way.

He lives with his ex & she's still chasing him!

She won't do better until she sets her bar higher.

It will be a miracle if you ever see this money. She doesn't even prioritise her own kids, she certainly isn't going to give a fuck about paying you back.

Agree with this. You have every right to be annoyed and I would have reacted the same. But she's a long term friend so just apologise for snapping but say you are really disappointed she asked for money when it's clear it's not for the intended purpose.

She will be annoyed at you and I have been in a similar situation where I blew my lid. Its one thing for you to piss about but don't bring me into it!!! We are now not friends because they decided I was totally wrong.

I'm not, and it will come out in the wash, but she needs to see that for herself.

Maybe let her calm down once you've apologised (as she may not accept it immediately, and that's her choice). Because she will need you when shit hits the fan.

She lied to you. She's used your money for a train fair to go out to dinner with her bf. That's rotten behaviour and you should be more annoyed about that then her choice of bf. She's treating you like a fool. She clearly had no intention of spending your money on bills. Surely you can see where this places you in this 30 year friendship? You don't mean as much to her as she appears to mean to you. She's probably going to stop talking to you as a convenient way to not have to pay you back. Sounds like a right piece of work. Tell her how disappointed you are that she made out she needed the money for bills they used your money to take him out for dinner. She sounds like an absolute piss taker not a friend.

I don't think you owe her an apology (far from it!) but tactically it might be a good idea to tell her you that regret snapping at her. I'd say you were worried for her and you're upset that she lied to you about needing money for electricity when actually it was to see him and go out for dinner. But say this calmly!!

Otherwise she will probably fall further under his spell and there'll be no-one left to try and talk sense into her. He's going to ruin her life. The question is whether you want to be there to help her pick up the pieces (or maybe try to make her see sense!) or whether you've had enough of it already.

To be frank, she sounds like she's lost the plot completely and she comes across as very desperate for a man if she's willing to settle for this loser. Unfortunately, she sounds too far gone to listen to you or anyone else. The question is are you willing to try? I think after 30 years of friendship, I wouldn't give up on her without a fight. But no more lending money. If she says she needs money for bills, offer to transfer money direct to the company whose bill it is. No more handouts to her. Sadly she can't be trusted right now.

Apologise. But....

"I'm sorry I snapped at you as you're (one of) my best friend(s). I was so happy to know you'd met someone but can't help but think he's taking advantage. Maybe you can't see it clearly but it seems to me to be all one way with you making all the effort and him making none. I just don't want to see you get hurt."