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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop ex-DP from seeing our DS?

14 replies

Lawso9 · 07/05/2023 12:33

This is just one of many occasions where ex-Dp has behaved terribly. We've been split up for 6 years. He has never been able to have DS (aged 8) to stay over night because he has always lived in flat shares. In the last 5 years, he has had 8 jobs. He continuously doesn't get past the probationary period or gets fired. He never sees this as his fault, it's always that his boss / colleague / manager didn't like him. Due to this, child maintenance has been very inconsistent and it's only become more consistent recently because I had it ordered through the CMS.

He has always had huge issues with me, he has never got over the fact I left him. He's continually rude towards me. I only ever try my best to accommodate and foster a good relationship between them, despite DS never really wanting to see his dad. On their weekends together (every other weekend) they hang around shopping centres or parks all day because ex-DP doesn't have a suitable home to take him to. They also sit in his car for hours passing time because, according to ex-DP, there's 'nothing to do'. He doesn't arrange days out to theme parks, museums, or anything that would take more than a couple of hours.

Yesterday he dropped DS off and told me that he wouldn't be paying child maintenance anymore and that he was going to inform the CMS. This is due to the fact he has been fired from his 8th job, and he refuses to get another job because he 'will not get a job that pays him less than £30k'. I told him that's wholly unacceptable, that he needs to provide for his son properly, and if that means working minimum wage then he should jolly well do that. That it's unfair to rely on me for everything (he literally does nothing aside from his every other weekend). He said I was speaking down to him from an 'ivory tower' and should have sympathy for the fact he's lost his job (!) and that he wasn't going to pick DS up today unless I apologised to him.

Suffice to say, he did not get any apology. He didn't pick DS up today and instead sent a long text message demanding I sit down with him and apologise. He also threatened me, saying: 'If you speak to me like that again, I hope DS isn't around to hear my reply.' I told him he's inappropriate, and that him not picking DS up doesn't have any affect on me (I'm happy for extra time with him!), but it is damaging and upsetting for DS. This is not the first time he has done this. Whenever he has an issue with me, he weaponises DS and refuses to see him as arranged or says nasty things about me in front of DS.

WIBU to insist he goes to mediation and we get a court order in place if he wants to see DS?

OP posts:

Reugny · 07/05/2023 12:37

No please do not do this for your son.

Your son needs to be allowed when he's secondary age, so from 11 onwards, to have the choice not to see his father. If you get a court order then your son may be forced to see him until he's 14 as judges are very unpredictable.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 07/05/2023 12:40

Yes you would be unreasonable. You would be using your son as a weapon in exactly the same way that your ex is.

your beef with him about money should not affect your son’s relationship with his dad. It’s not fair.

Original poster

Lawso9 · 07/05/2023 12:44

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister

To be clear, this isn't about beef with him about money. He's been inconsistent with money for years and I have always tried to accommodate the best relationship between them. This is about the fact, whenever he has an issue with me (which is frequently, this time it just happens to be about money) he unilaterally decides he is not seeing DS on his agreed days. This leads to me having to explain to DS why his dad isn't collecting him (as diplomatically as possible), and means things are inconsistent for DS. He doesn't want to spend every other weekend with his dad as it is.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 07/05/2023 12:48

You need to be the better person and let your ex know that you will never stop him from seeing his DS as you refuse to use him as a pawn. I would also be clear you are not going to apologise to him. If he chooses not to see him then that is up to him but don't stop him as then you are playing right into his hands.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2023 12:49

I'd just be really rigid with the contact.

"Ds will be available to collect every other Saturday between 9am and 10am. I will be home to welcome him back between 5pm and 6pm. If you have not collected him on time, we will be going out to do our own thing. If you cannot keep consistency for ds one day per fortnight, as per the above arrangements, I will take this to court to have it formalised. Please do not communicate with me about anything other than pick up/drop offs"

Do not link this willth CMS. make sure your ds is avaliable as per the above arrangement, and keep a log. Don't reply to his messages unless they concern the contact arrangements.

Didimum · 07/05/2023 12:57

A friend of mine is going through something incredibly similar. Her son’s father is problematic and aggressive in general and inconsistent with picking his son up, visits etc. His mother has in fact stopped contact and told the father than he will have to go through court to set up visitation if he wants to continue. Seeing how the disruption, disappointment and inconsistency of his father’s behaviour has effected the little boy, I really believe she’s made the right decision. He is suffering at school, with other relationships and general behaviour because his father is such a wild card.

Reugny · 07/05/2023 13:01

He doesn't want to spend every other weekend with his dad as it is.

Then why force it to court?

The biggest loser will be your son.

As it stands now your son at 11 can turn around and say "Can't be bothered to see dad for the entire weekend because I want to play football on Saturday and go out with my friends the rest of the time. So I will see him next Thursday evening."

Happyher · 07/05/2023 13:10

Can you have a conversation with your son about what he wants. Don’t bad mouth his dad and tell him you just want to do what makes him happy because if he’s happy, you’re happy. If he wants to see his Dad, ask him what he’d like to do with his dad. Could you grit your teeth and let your ex spend sometime with him at yours? Your son may like being with him in his secure safe place

Singleandproud · 07/05/2023 13:21

@Happyher it is terrible advise to suggest having contact at OPs House, particularly when he is already unpleasant to her.

@Lawso9 do as @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz suggested. Do not stop contact but be strict with it. Taking him to court will not make him step up and maintain frequent contact. Going to court is for forcing you to make DS available at set times and days it cannot make his dad actually turn up.

DDs dad was a little like your Exs to begin with job and money wise, hated handing over a penny it became even worse when it was clear that I progressed at work and was financially much better off than he was. DD arranges her own contact as she is a teen now, she sees her dad more as an Uncle than a dad but a relationship is still there which is important. He had his own flat but never took her anywhere, they've never been swimming, to the cinema, to a trampoline park etc when she was small it seems they just watched YouTube videos.

towriteyoumustlive · 07/05/2023 13:25

Clearly your ex has a poor work ethic/attitude if he is losing that many jobs.

But YABU to use your son as a pawn in this.

I'm guessing he cannot afford anything other than a house share, so he is sensibly saying he cannot have him over night.

If his idea of entertainment for an 8 year old is a park, shopping centre and sitting in a car for hours, then so be it! The park is a great idea. Shopping centres can be fun for free entertainment.

There will come a point when your son will be able to make his own mind up whether he wants to go or not.

You were being a little bit ivory tower in your attitude towards him, although that is understandable, but it is HIS choice and you cannot force him to work and provide for your/his son.

Has he always been this rubbish at keeping employment or is it just in the last 5 years? What did he do prior to this constant job swapping?

Sapphire387 · 07/05/2023 13:48

Personally I'd just leave him to stew. Do something nice with DS and forget about the loser until he's ready to behave like an adult. I wouldn't talk about going to court etc.

AllOrNothingSituation · 07/05/2023 13:52

My ex has never paid maintenance but I would never stop contact because of it 😕

Tinkerbyebye · 07/05/2023 13:54

I wouldn’t go to court, it just means your son maybe forced to see his dad

just advise your ex in writing so email or text that your ds will be ready to collect at xx time, and then if he does not collect him make a note.

if he then chooses to go down the court route you have evidence he could see his ds but he chose not to

Nothingisblackandwhite · 07/05/2023 14:08

That will do your child more arm than good . Having him as a role model is not great . If your child doesn’t want to see him I would set up mediation and go through the courts , then would push for supervised contact . Your ex doesn’t sem like someone who will follow through supervised contact

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