Am I being petty? Or is this normal?

[Mummy632]

My daughter started a new school in September. She wasn’t the only one as there’s 4 more in class who also started same time. It’s the kind of school that has extra places in year 3. Anyways that’s not the BU part I just thought I’d add context.

She’s been invited to zero parties so far and I’m friendly to all the parents and say hello etc. she’s a good kid, quiet but is popular as when I drop or pick up the kids all say hello and bye to her. Lots ask me if they can have a playdate infront of the parents and we have arranged play dates. She has a big group of girl friends she does hang out with so it’s really playing on my mind why she’s not been invited to parties. Money is not the issue for these parents! It’s upsetting me but I think my daughter is oblivious to it but maybe not but I don’t make an issue.

it’s her birthday soon and I don’t know what to do: either invite the whole class or just the girls. My daughter wants the whole class but I feel no one has invited us!

please help me put this into perspective. My daughter does have lots of friends from her old school and activities she does. How can I stop feeling upset on her behalf? She has told me X and Y had a birthday party but she doesn’t seem upset she just tells me as facts.

Go with the whole class for this one. You're setting the scene in a very inclusive way and this approach may well benefit your daughter going forward. She'll find her feet and this might be a good opportunity for you to see how she's interacting with her classmates and also identify any potential close friends.

@booksandbrooks its 18 kids in total in the class.

You probably won’t get many (or any?) return invites from the boys though so be prepared if you’re likely to resent this.

Go with the whole class but if asking in a WhatsApp group give a clear RSVP date. Sometimes I find WhatsApp group invites can seem a bit impersonal / general.

I would have a whole class party if we'd changed schools give me a chance to see all the kids watch who she plays with get her name out there and hope she got some reciprocal ones.

I've always asked "new" kids to ours so it seems weird why it hasn't happened I think having a big one of your own will help.

It could be that yes she’s made friends but parents invite children who’s parents they’ve known for years. It could be that she has got friends but when children are asked to pick one or two they don’t choose her, they still like her. You mention her best friend, does the other girl see her as a best friend?

It can feel personal when your child isn’t picked but try not to take it that way.

We did a whole class party in year 3, I didn’t worry about people not inviting my daughter, she had a great time so that’s what mattered. Work on getting to know some of the parents by having play dates just don’t get taken advantage of!

What does your daughter want? This isn’t about you or Mumsnet, it’s her birthday. How does she want to celebrate? Does she prefer being in smaller groups or big groups? Does she prefer doing adventurous activities or sitting down to eat cake? Have you asked her what she wants? Are you comfortable enough with her being a separate person from you to accept her answer, even if that means no party or doing something completely different to what you’d imagined?

All this stuff about your wants and your insecurities and what other people are thinking and doing won’t do your daughter any good at all. As her mother you should be facilitating her development of her own personality and helping her get in touch (or rather not lose sight of) her preferences.

18 in total?! Wow I assumed it was 30! Then I would definitely do a whole class party, they won’t all come anyway. If it’s a small class then that can make it difficult to establish friendships but try to give it time, she’s still only fairly new to the class.

I would see who DD wants to invite first ( say 6 friends) then decide who else to invite based on that.

make new friends
but keep the old
one is silver
the other gold.

if she's happy at school, don't worry about party invites. Most kids that age have school friends, club friends, family friends and smaller number for parties & it's not indication of how much they like your DD.

Parties tend to be smaller by year 3 and to some she may still be the “new” kid. I would just bite the bullet and invite who she wants and hopefully that will help things along

My dd started a new school in year 3 in January, Op. In May for her birthday we invited the whole class, but it was only 12 and all girls. It really helped her make friends 😊. Having said that it was a really friendly class year anyway.

Going against the grain here! But my DD moved schools in y3. We had the same issue with her being friends with everyone but never invited to parties.

We thought about a whole class party but then someone pointed out it would be harder for her to form closer friendships if we gave the impression she was a floater between friendship groups by inviting everyone. She ended up choosing 6 or 7 girls to a smaller party and after that she ended up being invited to more parties and lots more play dates. Not just from those who had been invited but also those who hadn't (I think a couple of queen bee mums had their noses put out of joint because their "super popular" DCs hadn't been one of the chosen few).

Party politics and slightly childish but it did work!