to ask if my dc will be badly affected by their dad's absence? Very stressed

[worriedmuum]

Dc is almost three. His dad has met him twice. When I say I have no real idea why his dad is like this… I genuinely have no idea whatsoever. He was always eager to have a family and when I was pregnant it was as if he had some sort of breakdown. I have no idea what to even tell ds as he gets bigger because I don’t have the answers.

Ex is very pleasant to communicate with in a bland and distant way. You can’t have a real conversation with him, for example I couldn’t ask him about why he’s done what he’s done without him going back into his shell or being defensive etc. It’s just not worth it.

Anyway, last time he saw dc was a year and a bit ago. Ex pays maintenance, he has told me many times he enjoys ‘being in touch’ but clearly has no plans to see ds. I have asked, he says things are busy, and months will pass with no date arranged. I have come to accept he will not change and I feel extremely worried about ds. I come from a very traditional background and whilst I am not personally particularly traditional, I do feel strongly that children should know their parents so this is hard for me to move past for dc (obviously it goes without saying I want absolutely nothing to do with my ex on any personal level).

I keep reading online about how boys struggle and become angry as they get older with no dad around. What can I do to manage this better? It’s doubtful I will ever meet anyone else so he won’t have a step dad either. I think about it so much and it’s really affecting me now.

Honestly, sounds like you are both better off without him.
It's not the same as having a good, stable, present dad, but I made sure my kids (girls) had positive male role models. Their daycare had some male staff, half the teachers at their school are male, scouts etc as well as spending time with my own dad who is a fantastic role model. A friend with all boys took hers to a martial arts place too.

Sorry to hear that OP.

I think children these days will grow up to have a much more difficult life than our generation ever had, regardless of the absence of a nuclear family.

Boys in particular are having a shit time. There was a recent (now deleted) thread about a teenage boy babysitting the neighbours kids, it was very apparent that a significant number of people regard all males, children and adults alike, as sexual predators who must be watched and all the time for signs of aggression, misogyny and sexually deviant behaviour. It was so horrific to read, I can see why it wad pulled.

That being the case, and in the absence of your child's father being around, I think you have to make a super human effort to not treat your son as above.

DO NOT tell him he has some sort of privilege that he must be made to apologise for.

DO NOT treat him as some sort of potential sexual predator.

DO NOT make him feel he has to apologise for existing.

DO NOT diminish the abilities, skills, talents or worth of men in front of him. No throw away comments about how useless men are, or how women are in danger from them. No child deserves to be set up like that.

If you can, find a male mentor for him, someone to teach him hobbies, develop his skills. No matter how well intentioned you are, teenage boys need a father figure in the same way teenage girls need a mother. There will be feelings and emotions which you, as a woman, simply won't be able to understand.

Be there for him, but DO NOT let your own fears or judgments affect how he views himself.

People will tell you he won’t be but no one can know and they aren’t always right it definitely affected my kids not having a father around

thanks for replies and advice, it’s helpful.

@AllOrNothingSituation may I ask how they were affected and if you think there’s anything I can do to help? I guess I am realistic that this will inevitably affect ds but I just hope he can have a happy life and his self esteem isn’t impacted, that’s my biggest fear as I had to spend years battling with my self esteem after a tricky childhood. I don’t want that for ds and I will do anything to avoid it.

Dd use to cry all the time and ask me to marry someone else so she could get a new father she use to be obsessed with men and would call all the men at school “school dad” for relevance she does have special needs. I would pick her up from school and she would be crying about not having a dad, Father’s Day was awful as her kids school do Father’s Day cards in the end he is in contact now but very inconsistent and I just let him dip in and out when he can be bothered as my daughter finds this better than no contact at all (despite people telling me kids prefer no father than a rubbish one) I guess if you have some male role models that will help dd has no uncles/grandad etc which hasn’t help I think that would have made a difference

I get where you’re coming from, I have similar worries for my kids. Their dad is dead so it’s a slightly different situation in that he will never be around now. But I have a lot of the same worries as you do.

I don’t doubt that kids who have a good dad around benefit hugely. I always had a great dad and he has brought so much to my life. But I do think - and I include my kids in this - that no dad is better than a rubbish one. It is possible to be both mum and dad. It’s hard and exhausting, but it’s possible. If you can get positive male role models in the kids life I think that helps - my kids have my dad. It doesn’t have to be from family, could be a club leader, a teacher, a friend, neighbour.

But you can do this as a single mum. Your kids have you and you can provide what they need. Don’t doubt that. Best of luck.

Meant to say I have a son too - I do worry about him needing a role model at times. But I do think you can find positive male models when needed.

My DH has no memories of his father, he was ill when DH was born and died a few months later. Not the same as a father who doesn't want to be there but a gap none the less. I suppose he doesn't feel rejected but then at least your son has the opportunity to connect with him to some extent.

My husband isn't here at the moment but I think his advice would be don't make the father into a hero or villain, he's just a human being with faults like anyone else.

Don't be too clingy, late MIL was a devil for this, wanted to be over involved in everything DH did, stayed in touch with his exfiancee for about 40 or 50 years for example.

Basically DH is fine despite it all and I'm sure your son will be as well.

Stop stressing, you have no control of the situation so stop putting mental energy into it and focus on bringing up your lovely boy to be kind, clever and resilient.

I would go with his Dad simply wasn't ready to be a dad, which is the truth. Let him know his dad cares and supports him financially and likes hearing about him but simply wasn't ready. Make it about his dad not him. In time his dad may change his mind but you can't force a relationship.

Children who become angry tend to have gone through trauma of DV or simply the trauma of a break up, when your lifestyle is all you've ever known I think it's less likely.

When old enough join him up to groups with good male role models, rugby is great and minis starts from 4/5, it's physical and gets the "grrrs" out, something like cubs/scouts to build resilience too. Resilience is massively important to children (and adults) MH.

Thanks so much, these posts are reassuring if only not to feel I’m totally alone with this!

@Singleandproud i did wonder whether it was best to say your dad likes hearing about you etc (not sure it’s strictly true as ex wants to appear decent but not act decently, so it could be insincere). But I did wonder what was best either sharing with him that dad knows you’re doing x to or z and he wishes you luck with your football match or whatever (if he plays football, an example). But I don’t know if that’s right, won’t it invite more confusion? That said, I guess it would be nice for dc to know me and his dad are on amicable terms and he is contactable for the future etc? I just want what’s best for dc really…

even considered paying a psychologist just to ask these questions!!

I honestly wouldn't mention him - say he lives away if your son asks.

My Sperm Donor left before I was 18 months old - I met him once at 12 years old. I’m now 44.

No other male role models.

My mother was always completely neutral about him - never slagged him off.

I can honestly say it hasn’t impacted me negatively at all - if anything, it’s made me more determined to be happy and successful. I have no desire to meet him (or my half brothers and sister) and would honestly tell him to shove it if he got in touch with me.

Just give him your time and energy - your son will be fine

I definitely wouldn't say stuff like he is contactable because the inevitable next question will be "Can you invite him to our house?" which is unlikely to happen. Then you'll be hassled for days about whether or not he's replied. If he's the type to take his time with replies then your son will be very upset while waiting.

I think that no dad is better than an inconsistent dad. While both are upsetting, the latter is multiple incidents of getting hopes up followed by disappointment which could get worse over time.

Talking about him is just going to be a painful reminder that his dad is not in his life and it's better to enjoy and live life without that reminder imo.

Does your son have good males in his life eg your father or brother? As he gets older, they can really help build his self esteem so he ends up becoming a good man.

Lovely thoughtful post about your DS OP, given this I think you’ve got little to worry about as sounds like you’ve a great relationship to come with your son. As another poster has already said it’s a big difference for boys that have seen their father be abusive or been caught up in parental conflict to your situation which is ,yes, basically he isn’t able to commit emotionally to being a dad and is passive about it.
There are such great opportunities in sport for male role models if your DS turns out to enjoy it - Rugby and cricket really good coaches and you will soon see that it’s a lot off mums turning up every Sunday morning to watch them play not dads so it’s not noticeable at all.
Support bonds with grandfather and uncles too in your family with your DC.
I would only talk about his father in matter of fact terms, ie here’s a card he’s sent you , xmas present etc - his father isn’t really a significant part of his life and I wouldn’t give the impression that he is and he will just accept that as normal and hopefully ask you about it as he gets older if he’s curious.

One thing that has helped my son (he has chosen not to see his dad) is doing lots of sports, I can see he gets a lot from other male role models eg. Sports instructors , teachers etc

Are there any other males in the extended family? Grandfather, uncle, great uncle types? Godparents, if you have close friends willing to take this on, can also be great role models?

Having a male role model who cares and shows an interest is more important than a father. A father who is inconsistent and unreliable is even worse than a fully absent father. You don't miss what you have never had.

My son was absolute fine until about 13. Then he withdrew away from me but didn't have the presence of a strong male figure in his life. So there was no adult to anchor him. I am a strong adult but he rejected me.

His father used to write to him ordering him to respond, but there was no bond there.

I'd advise getting him in to something like tae kwando or judo or something that is quite male, get him in young and let him enjoy the discipline of the art, part of which is containing the urge to ''attack''. This is relevant.

I've been reading Moore and Gillette's book Lover, King, Hero, Warrior and it is really interesting, tells you the shadow side of the immature archetypes. It doesn't mean immature in a pejorative sense, it's just that all men (and women) are on a journey and grow in to mature version of themselves. I was able to identify that my son was the ''hero'' still so FULL of hubris, nobody male around him to contain his energy or rein him in, or correct him or challenge him assertively. Jordan Petersen merely regurgitates a lot of these ideas and he explained it in a talk I listened to as needing a male presence that COULD contain their rage.

When your son is 3 none of this is urgent so don't worry. You have time to try and get him linked in to scouts and judo and chess. A mixture of things that are at least predominantly male.

I was too slow off the uptake with this stuff. My son did become very disrespectful to me, towering over me and shouting at me. It couldn't continue. He has now moved out (he's definitely safe, it's for the best). He's following a man's rules and he seems a lot happier.

@worriedmuum I agree with other posters to gently be honest and not build up his dad. State that not every parent realises what a privilege it is to have a child. Because my friend told her dd that her father just wanted to do what he wanted to do, and the little girl wisely asked ''why is seeing me not what he wants to do?''.

@AllOrNothingSituation reading the book I mentioned upthread, I think when boys are not at all affected by not having a father, they might be a little too enmeshed with their mother.
Not always, some children are capable of extraordinary maturity in their teens. But if a 17 year old boy with no father doesn't push back AT ALL I'd wonder...