I seem to be increasingly annoyed by my mother

[Mumofboys99]

I have started the last few months to be more and more irritated by my mother to the point that I can barely think about her without getting angry, but I am unsure if I am being irrational or if I am justified. So basically I had a nice childhood, she was a good mother. I have a non identical twin sister who in her younger years had a lot of issues (drugs) and took up a lot of my parents efforts, and I moved out at only 18 and have been pretty independent since a young age. My sister on the other hand stayed at home until her late twenties when they helped her with some money to buy a flat (which I didn’t receive). Anyway, the thing I find annoying is this- my mum never babysits for my children, I have 2 boys aged 10 and 5 and she has not babysat for me since I had my second child, as she says they are too much for her now. However, she always wants me to bring them over to her house so she can see them, although she expects me to stay so it’s rarely a benefit for me, not to mention she always wants this to be at a convenient time for her. I don’t really have time to drive an hour each way over to her house so she can observe them from a distance every week or two which she seems to expect and gets irritated with when I say I am busy. My sister had 2 girls, now aged 19 and 16 as she had them quite young and my mum babysat constantly for them, even having them for up to a week at a time at her house whilst my sister went on holiday. Partly this was because they lived with her for the first few years of their lives but still. I have never had the same level of support, although admittedly I was older when I had my children and my mum is alot older now too obviously. I also partly suspect she finds boys harder and doesn’t enjoy their company as much as girls. However, a few weeks ago I asked if she could have them for 2 nights next summer as one of my best friends is getting married and I am bridesmaid and she said no. I am so cross about it. I know they are hard work and my youngest isn’t the best sleeper but it is one weekend in 6 years I have asked this of her. She’s in her late sixties too so it’s not like she’s really old, she is very active and is always out and about. This feels like the last straw for me. Other things that annoy me are, my parents now have a lot of money after my grandparents died and they inherited probably upwards of £800k and my dad spoke about giving us some money to help pay off our mortgage (I would never ask but he offered) so then after I got all excited about it she then said she didn’t think it was a good idea and changed his mind. I suspect they have helped out my sister on numerous occasions in the past as she was a single mum to start with, and I know they helped her when she did eventually move out. I would never have asked for anything or expected anything but the fact they told me they were going to and then she changed it is what upset me, it would have made such a difference for us. She also expects me to spend loads of money on her and asks for ridiculously expensive presents for her birthday, despite the fact that we do not have a lot of money as a family and they are now literally rolling in it. She also wants to do activities like go for expensive meals and then expects me to pay half (if not for her as she is always saying she is a pensioner now) but I have to explain to her I can’t afford to go to expensive restaurants all the time. Last summer she wanted us to go on holiday with them, but it was so expensive and after she invited us but said we had to pay our share and I explained we couldn’t afford it she got very snarky with me about us not wanting to spend time with them, it’s like she doesn’t want to comprehend we don’t have a spare £4k to just go away with them. I have just suddenly reached a point where I feel like I can’t be bothered anymore. However, like I said, I had a quite good childhood and so I am wondering if I am being irrationally angry? I am sure there are far worse parents to have them someone who won’t babysit and help you out financially, but I just feel increasingly furious when I think about it all so AIBU?

No YANBU at all!! She sounds selfish and self absorbed. You need to start a new phase where you assert your boundaries and say how you feel and tell them what you need.

She sounds like she won't hear you unless you shout, repeatedly.

No YANBU she doesn't sound very nice.

It seems she has treated you and your sister very differently.

Are your boys getting much out of their relationship with her? If not I'd row back on the visits.

Is there anyone else you can ask for childcare for the wedding? Could a friend do it at a push?

You're not being at all unreasonable, and if I were you, I would be massively distancing myself from all of them. Your mother's choices have consequences. It's high time she feels the brunt of them.

Sounds as if she’s run out of all her caring capacity due to the high needs of your sister. She’s also probably about 10 years older and that does make a big difference. She sees you as the capable one who can manage.

Sucks for you. How about your Dad? Maybe he could have a share of the blame too?

It's hard, isn't it? My DM drives me mad too, and I left home at 17. I'm older, with grown up children - but she never wanted to be bothered with them, yet pretended to friends, "Oh we LOVE to see the children". Despite always refusing requests to babysit or have them. They are her only grandchildren.

My youngest DC is 18 and has never once spent the night at their house - nor, perhaps more than an hour with them. They live 2 miles down the road.

Like yours, they inherited considerable amounts of money and she frequently announces 'Oh we've more money than we know what to do with!'. Considering I am struggling with working f/t and managing a chronic condition and money is very tight for us this is massively annoying.

I make the odd duty phone call and avoid going round as much as I can.

I think more of you just need to be more communicative about the reasons why you take certain actions. Just say how you feel, even in a jokey way. Like you, @WateryDoom , if your mother jokes about "we have more money than we know what to do with" then joke back and say "I can always take some of it off your hands if you're so worried about having too much ha ha" Just make the point and maybe get your parents thinking.

@CurlyhairedAssassin Sadly, when we've said in the past things like 'We are really struggling' she comes back with 'It's character forming. Chin up!'

She's perfectly aware of the situation. She likes the feeling of power, so the only thing to do is grey rock and make bland comments to deprive her of this pleasure.