To feel like I'm 75 years old

[5000years]

I'm just so tired. My life seems like a constant battle. I'm 41 but I'm completely burned out. I know that most people's lives have difficult patches and tragedies, so I wonder if I'm just less able to cope than most people and need to pull myself together, but I don't know how. So I guess this post is a moan, but also AIBU to feel like I'm done and ready to retire already at 41? Or would most people just get in with it?

I grew up with a physically and sexually abusive step father. He and my mother threw me out to live alone at 16. Social services and police were involved but neither would help me. I lived in total poverty, no heating, electricity often cutting off, little food, couldn't afford launderette to wash clothes. I had to work full time while I did my education. Social worker told me to get pregnant then I'd get money and a house but I ignored her and studied. I managed to get A levels, a degree and a professional qualification but only by working full time and studying full time at the same time. I had a huge mental health collapse and tried to commit suicide a couple of times.

Eventually after all of this and working 80+ hours per week all through my 20s I had built a decent career. I met my ex-H in my 20s, we were together for years then lived together for years, bought a house, then got married. A few years later had children. I was so careful about him, no red flags. Nobody thought anything was wrong.

Then when our children were tiny babies he gambled away tens of thousands of pounds. I helped him, got him therapy and to go to GA, he had blocked all the gambling sites (so I thought). Then he walked out on us all. Turned out he had been having an affair. Didn't bother with the children for months. Later I discovered it wasn't just one affair, he'd been doing it all along since we met. Yet convinced everyone he was the model husband, all of our friends and families. Always worked hard, did his share of housework, kind and thoughtful.

Despite my personal feelings about what he'd done I encouraged him to build a relationship with the children again and we were co-parenting amicably, and then he was arrested for grooming children online. Many of them. Images. Talking to other paedophiles about them. It makes me physically sick.

Obviously since his arrest he's never seen our children again and never will. But they are so young still and I can't explain to them why they can't see him so they are traumatised by it. They saw him arrested. They don't understand. I paid for therapy for them. Then the therapist said she thinks he may have abused one of them. I failed to protect her, and I just can't come to terms with this. How I could not have known anything was wrong, having grown up with a predator myself. I am having trauma therapy to try to deal with it.

I have done everything I can. My physical health is collapsing, I have ME and have had for a long time but it's much worse since two relapses from having Covid after their father left and the pandemic hit. That was also fun, having a relapse while working full time with two very small children off nursery and not being allowed to see another adult for three months! I have bought a lovely house for us so we have a stable home but we live in an expensive area so my mortgage is huge. I need to be here for work and friends though: I'm lucky to have great friends to lean on and my children are finally settled and have good friends so we would never move.

I try to comfort the children when they're sad they don't have a father (all their friends are in nuclear families). I work full time and manage to earn a really good salary still but I'm not sure how long I can keep it all up with my health failing. Both children also have SEN so it's all completely exhausting. Childcare costs are huge because they can't cope with clubs etc and have to have nannies. So despite my salary between that and the mortgage we struggle for money. I had to pay all of the divorce fees and for other legal battles to protect the children. I had to get their diagnoses done privately because the NHS is so useless, I've been fighting social services for support for years, nothing has changed clearly from how they treated me as a child, they are useless and incompetent. I am fighting with school to try to get adjustments in place. Everything, everything has to be made into a fight.

I'm just so worn down by it all. The exhaustion, I'm in pain every day from my illness, being responsible for everything, the sadness at the impact on the children, how one day I'm meant to explain the truth to them and the damage that will do, and wondering how I managed to choose them the worst father possible. I feel so guilty. I'm trying to do everything and never having any rest, hardly any sleep. Never being able to follow the medical advice to rest so my health can recover. I am also ND so find all of this completely overwhelming really. I just don't see how I can sustain it all. I have family but none of them have ever lifted a finger through all of this, never had the children to stay or babysat them even once and they are school aged now.

I see other people getting on with their lives even when they have difficult things happen and I do wonder if maybe because I was so damaged as a child I have brought this on myself by making poor judgements or I'm just rubbish at coping generally and other people would just get on with it. I've tried so hard but things never seem to get any easier. I really do feel like I'm 75 and need to retire but sadly my bank balance doesn't agree.

I am just being self-pitying and need to pull myself together? I've always tried my best to carry on and get past anything that has happened but I feel absolutely broken now.

Honestly OP I could not get through all you've been through, I'd have had a complete breakdown long ago. You've had it horrifically tough from beginning to end and you should be really proud that you've not only survived, but thrived. You have a really good job, two wonderful kids, a lovely home and you've done it all completely alone while being ND and having other health conditions.

I really don't think you know how incredibly strong, incredibly brave, incredibly successful and well just all round incredible you are. Be a lot kinder to yourself because your kids love and need you so much, consider talking to work and seeing if there is anything they can do to support you more, would a childminder be possible instead of a nanny as a cheaper option? You might find that as the kids get older they get more able to cope with all sorts or different things despite their SEN and life gets a bit easier, when they're young even a year or two can make a huge difference.

you made a very good list for yourself:

• a simple life
• spend time with my children
• work
• sleep

in a simple life there is no space for guilt, there is no space for "could I, should I done this or that better".
to live simply, you reflect on your mistakes, recognise them, learn, forgive yourself and move on. remember, as time and therapy goes on, this will be a reality.

there is no way as a single parent you are not already doing this. and celebrate the fact you are having nannies - they are the support network that you need.

work - you are clearly great at what you do, otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now. be proud of your achievements, your incredible work ethic and being good in your job creates the financial stability you need.

sleep is a difficult one on your list, would an au pair or night nanny be possible?

It's locked in trauma

Try TRE: trauma release exercises:

Another one just wanting to say what an impressive person I think you are. I’ve had a lot of luck and good fortune in my life. There have been some sorrows along the way, but overall I am very aware of how incredibly lucky I’ve been. I’m in awe of you and I wouldn’t have been able to achieve what you have. 💐

I’m going to focus on the money here, because I feel a lot of similar things, and though we have a lovely home too op, I just couldn’t face working 9-5 for the rest of my life, with little kids, overstretched and exhausted. The huge mortgage is something I’d be taking aim at.

I would go and see a financial advisor and ask for some help in reducing your mortgage.

Also - Are there any houses in your area which would be lovely when done, but are cosmetically dated and therefore a bargain? I’d be looking into that. Because if you sold your place and bought wisely, hired decorators to be in and out in a week, you could potentially clear a chunk of money off the mortgage and give yourself some
breathing room financially.

You are right about letting go of the guilt. I have always felt shame about my childhood, still working on being able to believe that wasn't my fault. I had nasty messages this week from my family trying to blame me for it again (because they are inviting my mother to a family wedding so I have said obviously that we cannot go, I have not seen her in decades and would never let her meet my children) which just reinforces it all. Them saying it's me that's the problem, that it's my choice not to go, that I'm causing issues and should think of everyone else. Maybe that's what has set me off with feeling so negative again, which is not like me. I usually try to focus on the present and future, not looking back.

I HATE being like this, feeling down and useless and paralysed. Aaaahhh I wish a night nanny or an au pair was an option. We have no spare room and I'm absolutely at my limit with paying for the nannies as it is. All savings gone with the legal battles, but the children are safe now so worth it. And the last bit I had on their private diagnoses but again that needed to be done. I have to pay for the nannies to get the to and from school and often I'm not physically able to leave the house. I am still fighting SS to try to get some support, it's now at a stage 3 complaint. Exhausting it itself. A childminder would cost less but I'd have to get them there and I'm too ill often to leave the house at all.

We will muddle on. I will find a way because I have to. It means a lot though to be able to be honest about what's happened and get unbiased opinions from strangers just based on the facts, not trying to be kind because you're my friends, and for you all to have said that I'm doing the right things. I think that's why I started the thread, I wanted some unbiased opinions on how this came about and expected my arse handed to me to say I must have poor boundaries and should have spotted something before having children with him. I question myself so much on whether it's my fault or I'm messing it all up again now and it is really helpful to hear that when people have heard the facts they don't think so, then I can keep telling myself that and keep going. And hope that in time it will get a bit easier for us.

Thank you. A wonderful friend came over a few weeks ago to insist on folding my washing (she knows it is my most hated job 😆) and gave me a lottery ticket because she said I must be due a very large dose of good luck in one go. Sadly I didn't win but perhaps at some point there will be something like that!

Our home is lovely but by no means a mansion, and everything around here costs a lot. My children don't deal with change well due to their SEN, and this is their main stability they've had, living here. Also tbh because of all the disruption and my own ND and physical health, I don't think I'd cope with moving again. Or the stress of doing that again. And I love our house, it's the only place I've felt at home since I was a very small child. It could do with some work but is perfectly livable and I think they'll have to carry me out of here in a box! With moving costs and stamp duty and solicitors and the general cost of houses here anyway I don't think there are really many options in that respect that would help without leaving our friends and support network, who are our saving grace. But thank you for the suggestion.

You are not failing, you are thriving whilst building a new life on top of the rubble of horrendous hardship. You are winning even though you think you are not. Your kids are so blessed and lucky to have you as a Mum. You have every right to feel tired, exhausted, fed up and broken. It is not a weakness to feel these things. It is simply the result of carrying so much for so long ON YOUR OWN. I am honestly in awe of you. You are some woman for one woman and I hope somewhere deep inside of you that you find the pride that you so truly deserve.

I think that's it. I need somehow to feel that the foundations are stable, that it won't all fall down again. I was tricked and thought I had that, but it got worse and worse. A divorce I could cope with, co-parenting was fine. But then discovering that for years I had lived with another monster, that my children have him as a father and can never escape that and one day I will have to tell them this, it's just overwhelmed me. I haven't really been able to process it properly while also trying to just do what had to be done legally, with SS, care for them, work, manage my health. I think these last 6 years have aged me 30 and I am completely burned out now. I need to find some new reserve inside, some new strength, to keep it all going for another 15-20 years until my children can be independent and I do not know how.

Maybe this is just slump. A temporary thing and I can pull myself back together again. I'm just so, so tired now.

And yes, always on my own. That's one of the hardest things to come to terms with, that in my whole life nobody has ever really loved me. Obviously my children do, but that's different. It's my job to take care of them, not vice versa. Nobody has ever taken care of me or genuinely loved me, not a parent or a partner. Nobody who would ever put my needs first, I will probably never experience that. That's hard to come to terms with, but a spiral of wallowing so I try not to think about it. What I really want is to make sure my children don't feel like that, that they know they were always loved and always will be. That they have the tools to form happy relationships, and also know I am always here so they always have that safety of a happy home and love to come back to if needed, when adults. But how can someone like me, as their only parent, who has no idea how any of that is done because I've never had it myself, be the one to give them that? I am so, so worried I will get it wrong.

I think you are doing an amazing job and I am in awe of you. My only thought is maybe try to take one day at a time and don’t worry too much about the future. Baby steps. Another thought is … I am a bereaved mum (a lot older than you) and have found such amazing support from an online bereavement website. I joined after I lost my daughter 4 years ago and honestly believe it saved me as we have all gone through the same experience. I have also become friends in real life with two of them and we meet up for lunch or coffee. Just wondering if there is similar online support for people in your position? I am sure though that you will pull through. Sending you hugs.

I'm sorry for your loss, @Daz57 . That's an incredibly hard thing to live though. I'm so sorry.

Idk, I did ask the social worker about support groups and research also on what to do and how best to speak to my children about it and she stared at me blankly. Asked by email too and she didn't answer. I will try researching this myself now that some of the other battles are done, it's a really helpful idea, thank you.

Wow. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.

People let you down badly and look how well you have done for you and your kids.

Your monster ex was not your fault. You didn't let them down. Don't dwell on that. You've done incredibly well.

As for how you are feeling....well, no wonder. I'm not sure what to suggest but I hope very much that things start to get easier for you. You've been strong for so long, I agree you deserve a break.

But massive pat on the back for being a great mum.

And also wondering what my daughter will remember and the effect of that on her. She has an incredible memory, remembers clearly some things for 18 months or 2 years old. If he did abuse her she may remember it, just not have words yet to express it. He has been convicted now of his offences against children but I've still had to fight to ensure he doesn't have contact and may have to do so again because - unbelievably - it's not automatic now to ban convicted sex offenders from contact with minors. Even when there are suspicions of abuse of his own children. I don't think I will ever get over not knowing what he did to her, or that I let her be in a dangerous situation without knowing, without realising. That he may have hurt her or traumatised her, we just don't know and can't know unless she talks about it, just the "concerning behaviours" the therapist flagged. It has completely broken my heart to think she may have been abused by him. Nobody had any idea, until the police found messages and arrested him. But it still means that I didn't manage to keep her safe because I lived with him for over a decade and didn't spot anything wrong at all. I am not sure how to get past that.

I also think a lot about the other children that he was abusive too. Whether they are ok. Whether the scars from this will ruin their lives as well. But obviously I will never know. It is like an ongoing torture, even though we had long separated and were divorcing before he did all of this, it plays on my mind so much, those poor children who now will also live their lives damaged by this.

Thank you @ididntknowthat11

I do need to stop thinking and try to focus on right now again, not dredging over it all. I think if I could go off on my own for a week on my own and reset, lie on a beach and swim in the sea and do nothing else at all, maybe I'd be ok. It's become too overwhelming to keep pretending to be fine when I'm not. But no prospect of being able to do that for well over a decade so I guess it is a case of I just need to get on with it! The support here has meant a lot to me though.