To give up and send her back

[thecaramelwafer]

Dd2 12 has developed an unhealthy attachment to exH since my dd1 has been a bit off the rails relating to trauma he caused her. Dd2 is here for the weekend, I've taxid her friends around, hosted a sleepover been up until 5am listening to them, been nothing but nice. She's woken up this morning barely talking to me and wanting back to her dad. She's being vile to me for no reason whatsoever.

I've been absolutely consistent with her over the years while exH was addicted to drugs. He's taken full advantage of the situation and facilitated this current situation, feeding into narrative that she'll live with him full time etc. dd1 already has serious issues including a weed addiction and explosive outbursts as well as avoiding school. He's leading dd2 down the exact same path and I feel powerless to stop it as she want to be with him. Mr yes and Mr down with the kids. I'm the only one trying to parent here.

Aibu to just keep letting her go back as that's what she wants or do I dog my heels in and force her to stay here half the time. It's breaking my heart. Why oh why did I choose this waste of space to gather my children

No! She needs to be with you x

12 year old girls are horrible a lot of the time. In my daughter's eyes, I go from being the best mum in the world to the spawn of satan in the blink of an eye 😂 And it doesn't matter how much I do for her, she'll still be horrible (and I'm talking really mean) to me at the drop of a hat!

As hard as it is, I would keep insisting she spend half the week with you. When she's older she will appreciate that you didn't give up on her.

No you need to be firm. She’s still a child, you can’t let her do whatever she wants with no boundaries.

Being a mother is not being a friend at times. It’s important especially in her formative years for her to be with both parents equally your luckily in a position that allows this, she will thank you for it later my daughter is 16 and between 12-15 I honestly thought at times she really truthfully hated me it’s just a horrible phase girls go through trying to push boundaries and I sometimes fell into the unhealthy pattern of trying to buy her friendship then eventually I snapped out of it and realised I’m her mother not her friends it’s my job to raise her and teach her how to deal with her emotions and teach her how to treat people fast forward to now and we are mother daughter and best friends we are so close

My 12 year old boy is vile at the moment at least 60% of the time and he has very stable home life.
It sounds rubbish but try and grit your teeth and remember every day with you is less exposure to toxic life with her dad

Can I just applaud all you Mums going through this and still being wonderful and supportive as they navigate such a tricky phase.

When they're older they'll see how well you did.

You think that your daughter has developed an 'unhealthy attachment' to her own father? Are you the only one allowed an attachment to her?

@Honeychickpea yes when a 12 year old can't be away from her own dad for long enough to sleep in her own bed, when she always did before, or see her own mother for an hour, or go to school for a whole day because she misses him so much all of a sudden, yes I'd call that unhealthy. What would you call that?

An unhealthy relationship with her mother.

You are right to not want your daughter to develop an unhealthy attachment to her father's unheathy vices.
Report him to Social Services or the Police if you fear he is introducing your girls to substance abuse. Otherwise, you are aiding and abetting his behaviour.

Yes @Honeychickpea, I recognise that and that's why I'm posting here for help. Hopefully soon you'll realise you have issues too and get them dealt with in a healthy way instead of coming onto the internet to tear other mothers who are already struggling, down.

Thanks @user1492757084 the police and social services are involved. Unfortunately, you'd be surprised at how little they will actually do, it's shocking. I'm pretty much just on my own with it. He's starting to let the mask slip a bit now and going back to his old ways being a nasty piece of work so I'm just keeping my door open and my house calm in the hope she naturally gravitates back. She has mentioned herself to her sister a few times how dads being mean so I keep inviting her round and she's coming more often 🙂

Op have you name changed?
I would reiterate not to give up at age 12, that's a really important time.

Of course you're in the wrong. A drug taking feckless dad she only sees every so often is cooler and way more attractive than the sensible level headed mum she sees day in, day out. Didn't they tell you that a mother's place is in the wrong ant ante natal classes.

Unfortunately for dd, you are the one she needs if not the one she wants. Dig in and remind yourself that she will come round eventually. Think of how things will turn out if she got what she thinks she wants. That is the reason why you are going to dig in your heels. Dad will piss on his chips, guaranteed, but not for a while yet.

Find your own cool that you can share with her and give her something to lord it over her friends with.

Try wine making. You can not only buy kits that are pretty much guaranteed but if you skimp on the sugar you lose some of the booze. There's a book by James Wong called Grow your own drugs. It's about making yoruf own natural remedies and beauty treatments. You can make the decoctions and do the gardening together. Woe betide the dad or friend who poo poos that!