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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship gone to shit

20 replies

NeedAHug23 · 06/05/2023 10:12

Hi all,

I have been lurking on MN for sometime and have hit a really low point today so I wanted to come here for some advice. Its a long one so grab a cuppa (and if your here just to be nasty, please spare me today, im pregnant and emotional and just need some opinions).

Me and my fiancee have been together since we were about 19. he's my only relationship but we have been on and off over the years until about the last 4 years. We had a rocky past with cheating and lies when we were young. we spent time apart and eventually got back together about a year later just as lockdown hit. things were going really well, there was still some trust issues but we spent time working on things. I was also diagnosed with ADHD which contributed to a lot of the issues that were caused (im not an organised, domestic goddess - im forgetful and disorganised despite my best efforts).

He still has a few girls on Facebook that he had cheated on me with in the past and one specific girl who has now moved to America likes to comment on everything and is bit OTT. This always stuck in my mind. It made me feel like he wasn't as serious about me. I did also have a few flirty exchanges with a guy online. It wasn't a big sexual conversation, just flirty but wrong all the same. He went through my phone unbeknown to me and saw the messages. but I deleted them and apologised but never fully admitted what happened.

partner then proposed to me like a month later which he had been planning for ages and I had no idea. In his eyes he thought we were in the best place we have ever been in but I thought '"hell never marry me, never want to" kind of thing. never thought he would take it to the next step.

Jump forward to last night, he went through my phone when I was asleep but I actually woke up and caught him (he still lied to my face saying he didn't) but the phone was in his pocket...he admitted this morning he did take my phone but didn't know the password (he does). He said he still can't trust me and wanted to see if I was talking to any guys which im not. I haven't since that incident and since I realised the he is serious about this.

But since he proposed I feel like the relationship has gone downhill a lot. the past 6 weeks we have argued nonstop. He's in an extremely high pressured job and not coping well at all which is taking a big mental toll but I feel like its making him snappy with me over little things. I work too 4 days a week but I also do ALL the house work, iron his work clothes, make his lunch and breakfast for work and do all the cooking and two school runs/pickups. There was a big argument yesterday as I had to be at work earlier then normal so I asked him for some help getting toddler ready (he was in bed and could have helped) but chose not to and got shitty with me for asking because he's 'contributing alot'.

There's to much to explain every detail. im 6 weeks pregnant, knackered, exhausted and my job is exhausting too. I feel like I need some support and its just the end of the world if god forbid I haven't ironed the right shirt for that day.

Im just struggling and he puts me down at times when we argue, he can be bit condescending and I feel like my life is just falling apart.

Am I the only one in the wrong? We both contribute a decent amount financially although he does earn more so contributes more. He feels like I don't do enough.

Im just at a loss here, im always the bad guy. he can't accept a lot of the time when he's in the wrong and struggles to say sorry. how do I fix this? I feel like im giving everything and haven't spoken to any guys since that event.

can we salvage this?

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedAHug23 · 06/05/2023 10:20

also like to add that obviously I have only focused on the negatives here. when he's happy he's brilliant. a great dad and incredibly supportive of my career. but once he's stressed he's like a different person

OP posts:

DisquietintheRanks · 06/05/2023 10:24

Absolutely you can't salvage this and honestly, why would you want to? He's a lying, cheating lazy little weasel and every day you spend with him is trampling your self esteem further into the mud.

Tell him to stuff his proposal- you need to leave (or throw him out). Make decisions on this latest pregnancy based on being a single parent with no support from him. If that sounds hard then remember this is going to happen. Sooner or later he's going to leave you (probably just after child 3 arrives) or you are going to reach the end of your tether and end it. Better for your self respect that it be your decision and better that it be sooner.

You are better than this. You are worth more.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 06/05/2023 10:27

Leave him for good.

Focus on yourself. You need to up your self esteem otherwise you will always settle for this sort of shitty behaviour. You need to raise your standards for your relationships.

Poppyblush · 06/05/2023 10:28

No, not salvageable without ruining your life

Original poster

NeedAHug23 · 06/05/2023 10:38

Thank you for all the comments but im surprised no one is hounding me for the mistakes I made too?

OP posts:

Fedupofdiets · 06/05/2023 10:38

No trust = no relationship IMHO. Sorry I am sure thats not what you want to hear but an engagement ring and marriage does not change the relationship.

Babycakes6 · 06/05/2023 10:40

DisquietintheRanks · 06/05/2023 10:24

Absolutely you can't salvage this and honestly, why would you want to? He's a lying, cheating lazy little weasel and every day you spend with him is trampling your self esteem further into the mud.

You are better than this. You are worth more.

I second the above, from my personal experience. Sorry.

Guineasrule · 06/05/2023 10:48

There is no trust and it sounds like the proposal was a last ditch attempt to salvage the relationship & avoid a split.

it is the lack of open communication which is the problem - sneaking a look at your phone when you are asleep and then lying about it.

there has to be an awful lot to change before this relationship is worth pursuing.

Original poster

NeedAHug23 · 06/05/2023 11:01

Has anyone come back from a situation like this and it worked? it had been fine until the past 7 months when its steadily declined.

as mentioned - at the point he proposed he thought things were good. he had been planning it for a while.

Also to note; this post is only focusing on the negatives, not on any of the many amazing things he/I do

OP posts:

Niceseasidetown · 06/05/2023 11:04

It hasn't gone to shit. It was always shit. You can't salvage something that was never whole and good.

Jimboscott0115 · 06/05/2023 11:14

It's never been a good relationship, he's cheated and gaslighted you and doesn't trust you. You've flirted with other guys.

Most of these things would be reason to end a relationship, the fact that you don't see that is more than a little concerning.

slowsundays · 06/05/2023 11:24

The responses aren't negative, they're reality. Your relationship was already rebuilt on shaky ground and now the cracks are showing more and more and you want to know why it isn't amazing.

There will be periods of calm but there will be tumultuous periods in relationships too and the cracks reveal themselves to be giant craters. The big one here is that he cheated in the past and still insists on entertaining these women in his life. If it were a closed chapter, all of them would have been blocked and removed. But he likes the validation. One foot on the boat and the other on the dock so he always has options.

Jobhuntings · 06/05/2023 11:27

NeedAHug23 · 06/05/2023 10:38

Thank you for all the comments but im surprised no one is hounding me for the mistakes I made too?

I don't think it's necessary to iron out exactly who was right/wrong, there really isn't any point - it's so obvious that this relationship is not healthy or happy, and it's definitely better for you to end things and move forward.

CheersForThatEh · 06/05/2023 11:29

You say it's gone downhill recently but it's never really been a gold standard relationship has it.

I'd end it for good and focus on stability for your kids.

Jobhuntings · 06/05/2023 11:29

NeedAHug23 · 06/05/2023 11:01

Has anyone come back from a situation like this and it worked? it had been fine until the past 7 months when its steadily declined.

as mentioned - at the point he proposed he thought things were good. he had been planning it for a while.

Also to note; this post is only focusing on the negatives, not on any of the many amazing things he/I do

What advice are you looking for, OP?

This is not salvageable, it sounds toxic and exhausting. Maybe you just bring out the worst in each other?

Healthy, happy relationships do not have this drama.

babyproblems · 06/05/2023 11:33

What mistakes have you made?? I can’t see any from what you’ve said. He sounds like a lying twat. You seem to hold him in high regard and be v critical of yourself… maybe he’s proposed because he felt you were getting strong enough to finally leave him and this way he’s got you where he wants you. Elements of what you’ve said sound controlling and borderline abusive imo; I don’t think tying yourself to him
legally is a good idea. Xx

CheersForThatEh · 06/05/2023 11:33

NeedAHug23 · 06/05/2023 11:01

Has anyone come back from a situation like this and it worked? it had been fine until the past 7 months when its steadily declined.

as mentioned - at the point he proposed he thought things were good. he had been planning it for a while.

Also to note; this post is only focusing on the negatives, not on any of the many amazing things he/I do

You say noone thinks about the positive stuff in your relationship but you've not experienced anything else as an adult and I think you expect to work really hard to make this relationship good.

The sad reality is that there may be too much water under the bridge for this relationship and sometimes things are not worth the work.

My current relationship has been for 15 years. In that time we had a 2 year rocky patch. No cheating or crossing of basic lines. My ex was rocky throughout and we were too young and threw good after bad for too long. I think that's what will happen to your relationship,.the only thing in your control is how much time you waste on it from here. Sorry.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/05/2023 11:40

It wouldn't help to hound you for past mistakes. The only mistake that matters right now is if you stay with him despite all this and keep deluding yourself that it's salvageable.

I get it, he's your only relationship (often, sadly, a mistake in itself) so you've nothing to compare, but trust me, this is not healthy and will end sooner or later. Better to face the reality of that and deal with it rather than prolonging the suffering. He's not going to change, certainly not for the better. Sorry.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/05/2023 11:52

Its over there is no trust. Doesn't matter who has made what mistakes, he will still go through your phone, you won't trust him not to. Sounds like you have both made decisions in the past that you wouldn't have done if you were in the right relationship for yourselves p

Rubiconmango · 07/09/2023 21:30

Because on the scale of cheating, he weighs heavier, yet he's playing the reverse psychology card to keep you feeling guilty and mentally owned by him, so no attention is paid to his insane amount of red flags.

Your relationship can only be salvaged if he's willing to join forces with you and make the changes he needs to make to build a partnership with you. Your relationship currently sounds like a nightmare. When a woman works (even if she doesn't), it's only logical for both partners to establish a routine where they share the heavy lifting. You don't need us telling you how much you're sadly the doormat. An ex on fb... don't even get me started. Anyone who thinks they can have a platonic relationship with an ex, especially when cheating has been at play... absolutely not!

Sorry for your situation OP. But if he isn't willing to seriously do a 180 turn and start showing some respect firstly (you absolutely should not be overburdened as you are) and handle his stress and develop some communication skills with you, you will have to check out of this relationship before it leaves you in a place of needing therapy. Best wishes and hugs 🫂

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