To want to try sex with a man

[SashaPearce]

Early 40s. Always been a bit iffy about sexual orientation, generally felt I preferred women but I have experimented a few times over the years with trusted male friends (but never penetrative/PIV sex). For whatever reason, it’s currently on my mind (I’m single) and would like to try PIV sex. Unfortunately I don’t have any close male friends who are single currently. I’ve also recently discovered I have vaginismus, I’m treating it and making some progress but it feels like an additional barrier as I can’t totally rely on my body to cooperate and adds to the feeling that any sexual experimenting would really need to be with someone kind, patient, understanding etc. I’m wondering how I go about this? If I was experienced and didn’t have the vaginismus issue I could presumably just hop on Tinder and find a ONS, but it feels like I have quite a lot of explaining to do to any man just looking for a hookup. On the other hand I feel uncomfortable presenting myself as someone looking for a straight relationship when I’m not sure I really am. Does anyone have any advice?! In theory it shouldn’t be hard for a woman to find a man willing to have sex, but in practice for my situation it feels quite a bit more complicated…

Have you tried using a small dildo? My advice is to practise / have fun with that on your own first!

Thanks! Yep I’ve been doing that as part of the vaginismus treatment. Maybe I just need to stick with the treatment longer till I’m more confident… but it can apparently take a long time/you don’t necessarily fully resolve it, and I just keep thinking that I would rather be touching an actual person…

I actually think this is quite (ahem) hard really. You don’t want any old man. I think given your situation you would be better waiting until you are in a relationship/friendship where there is care and kindness.

Are you using a dildo/vibrator or those vaginal dilators (which are a bit clinical/medical)?

I do agree with PP though, I think it would need to be someone who is kind and patient that you can build some trust and feel relaxed with. That's not a one night stand but I guess you could try and find a casual relationship / friends with benefits type arrangement.

I think You are massively over thinking this . It Doesn’t need to be so complicated. All you need is confidence, boundaries and judgement. If you are interested in experimenting with men , go on some dates. If you like someone and they feel trustworthy, take it as far as you feel comfortable to go at the pace you feel comfortable with. I’m sure you will find plenty of men who are more than happy to oblige 😉 but also be patient, just don’t go home with an arsehole x

I am in a similar position where I am realising I might be gay and want to experiment with a woman, but I’m not 100% sure if I would be into it as have also considered I may be asexual. I also have trauma from being sexually assaulted and vaginismus (not sure if that would be an issue with a woman) so would want someone kind and patient and who also would understand if actually once things got started I didn’t want to go through with it or couldn’t get into it etc but that seems an awful lot to put on another person.

The only way I can think of would be to pay for some kind of regulated/ professional sex therapist to do things with as part of a session, but not sure such a thing where they actually engage in physical/ sexual contact beyond talking exists or if I would feel 100% morally comfortable with the idea even if it did.