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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let PIL see DS?

23 replies

AnxietyLevelMax · 05/05/2023 23:19

DH had always very rocky relationship with his parents.

I, on the other hand, had really decent relationship with them and always encouraged DH to stay in touch, to let some things go, because they are family. They definitely want the best for us etc. We got to do what we wanted to do at the day as they are on the other side of the world. We had many situations where I didn’t like their ways but even though I thought no point to be picky, let everyone live their life as long as they don’t deliberately hurt others, who am I to judge their ways?

then i got pregnant…had DS and all of the sudden i am the bad one. Lot of things are cultural but DH and I are mixed couple (same as his parents! but DMIL chosed to follow DFIL culture) and we are ok with how we manage our differences.

just to keep it short, few situations between us below:

*PIL upset my mom was due to see the baby first, as apparently PIL should be more important to me as I came to their family (they actually said that).
*we found out my dad got cancer, daily calls how is he and how they pray for him, getting upset with me when i was short on the phone ONE time bc i had my family around and didnt want to speak about it. DH suggested it is too much for me they got offended and never asked anything again
*they got upset i didnt want them to take DS to another continent. Apparently other women do that and i am just overprotective. DS was over 1
at the time, he is over 2 now. My visa to their country was rejected so i wouldnt be able to go there if anything happens. They wanted to keep him there for 2 months and come back for 2 weeks so i can go to work full time (i work part time at the moment
*asking my husband if he REALLY thinks i am gonna pull my weight to work hard if something happens to him (i work part time just now but was always full time, came to this country with no language, was cleaning peoples houses and being treated like some worse kind of person, but i learned how to speak, graduated at uni, work in finance and i am ok but hey….DH does long hours and lot of shifts and for the time being i am part time. wont be long anyway)
*it was always me calling them so they can see him even if it was awkward because how would you feel if someone complains about you so much..
*we are not good enough and our house is shit. We worked really hard and moved out of london to a smaller city because we genuinely wanted to have a family anywhere besides london. its a nice almost new house but not as big as the ones they have in america…

DH always stands up to them and back me up with everything but after the above comment they got in a huge argument and we dont speak for 5 months.

all of the sudden they are coming to uk and want to see DS saying its on us they dont have relationship with him…

i let DH do what he is comfortable with. They are his parents, DS is his grandson. But it is the first time i am not a peace maker and wont be trying to influence him to give them another chance.

aibu to not let them see ds?

it doesnt seem to be fair to be in his life, then to disappear. come to see him for couple of hours and disappear again.

OP posts:
DPotter · 05/05/2023 23:30

I think I understand what you're saying - but please let me check. Your DH doesn't get on with his parents and is happy to have a distant relationship with them. You have pushed for a relationship with his parents but now they are criticising you since the birth of your son, and the relationship between you and them has fallen apart.

If this is the case - follow your DH lead and leave them be. If he doesn't want to push the relationship, let it drop. There will be reasons why that only he really understands and that's fine. He knows them better than you do.

I personally wouldn't see them, or if DH wanted to - make in a public place and agree with DH what type of behaviour would lead you to walk away, for example - if they start saying you're not working enough hours, want to look after DS in their country and won't accept your refusal , then agree you will all get up and leave.

It really isn't a good idea to push someone into a relationship they don't want, especially if it's someone they have known for longer than you. Especially if they are unwilling to talk about it. I know you pushed the relationship for the best of reasons, but step away now

greenthumb13 · 05/05/2023 23:31

You're not stopping it, you're just not facilitating it right? That's fine

Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 05/05/2023 23:37

@DPotter yes, this is exactly what i was trying to say.
DH is down he has no relationship with them but they used to have fall outs for years before we even met and it was never a healthy relationship which he fully understands.
i never had any issues like that with my family so it is hard for me to understand how can you not speak to each other, call names, hold grudges etc.
@greenthumb13 you are probably right but when they had a chance to have a relationship i was the one who apparently changed DH and pulled him away (but as above, they had rocky relationship way before i was in the picture and it actually got better with me! Until DS came..)

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 05/05/2023 23:43

Would really love to hear from people who voted iabu just so maybe i can understand PIL side more because i am rally baffled at the moment

OP posts:
greenthumb13 · 05/05/2023 23:56

My advice is leave it to your DH and stop meddling one way or the other.

greyhairnomore · 06/05/2023 09:20

AnxietyLevelMax · 05/05/2023 23:43

Would really love to hear from people who voted iabu just so maybe i can understand PIL side more because i am rally baffled at the moment

I haven't voted but I imagine it's because your husband is quite happy to be LC with them , yet you've tried to push a relationship. Now they've turned on you , you don't like it.

HaroldeVwilliam · 06/05/2023 09:28

You should take your husbands lead.

He had a rocky relationship.

You ignored that and tried to smooth things over.

Now their quirks which obviously upset him are now directed at you.

Drop the rope.

Fwiw I also thought my dh relationship with dp could be solved and I'm ashamed to admit I should never have bothered.

DisquietintheRanks · 06/05/2023 09:30

Maybe it's not your decision to make. Maybe you should let your dh lead on this one and you take a back seat? Right now you just seem to be adding to the drama/conflict.

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 09:39

This is YOUR fault.

Your poor husband with a know it all wife.

You thought you knew better than your husband about HIS parents and have shoved a relationship that he didn't want on him.

He is a good husband who stsnds up to his awful parents.

They are awful people.

Apologise to your husband for being so disrespectful of him and for thinking you know better than HIM about HIS own parents🙄.

Have nothing further to do with his parents.

Defer to your husband if he wants your child to meet them once in a PUBLIC place.

Don't have them near your home.

You have brought all this drama to your home and on your husband, by thinking you know best.

Reflect on THAT.

Gymnopedie · 06/05/2023 10:34

DH had always very rocky relationship with his parents.

I, on the other hand, had really decent relationship with them and always encouraged DH to stay in touch, to let some things go, because they are family. They definitely want the best for us etc.

I hate posts that begin this way, and this isn't the first. Why didn't you respect your DH enough to let him have his own relationship with them? Why did you (on relatively short acquaintance) have to know better than DH who has had a lifetime of it? Did you see yourself as some sort of family good fairy who would make everyone else realise that they'd got it all wrong and you were the way to the light?

I understand that your family is different, but you have to accept that not all families are the same.

I agree with Billy^^you have some apologising to your DH to do. And then you let him take the lead on the relationship going forwards. Your AIBU is 'to not let PIL see DS'. This is not your decision to make in this situation. It's his. Support him in whatever he decides.

Hoppinggreen · 06/05/2023 10:40

So you interfered and now it’s gone to shit you want to back off?
You should have been led by your H, he had spent years dealing with their nonsense and you arrive and think you know better.
Just back right off, if your DH wants involvement with them he can but you don’t need to do anything at all

Rainbowshine · 06/05/2023 10:48

I would suggest you have a read of the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board here, that might give you a better insight into how your PILs are toxic and it’s better to respect your husband’s boundaries in regards to how much contact they have. You admitted that you have never encountered this before so I understand that you were acting to try and have a decent relationship with them, the trouble is that they won’t have any intention of reciprocating that and in their world the relationship can only happen on their terms.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/05/2023 10:55

Ignore the self righteous who want to blame you. You did your best, I seem to recall something about ‘blessed are the peacemakers’. Mumsnet seems to love a grudge, though..

in this case, though, it hasn’t worked. You are not under any pressure from your husband to have a relationship with them, they don’t want a relationship with you, so that’s it.

’defer to your husband’! That gave me a good laugh for this morning, so thanks Billy. Live in hope, eh?

CustardPiesAPlenty · 06/05/2023 10:58

DH always stands up to them and back me up with everything but after the above comment they got in a huge argument and we don't speak for 5 months.

all of the sudden they are coming to uk and want to see DS saying its on us they don't have relationship with him

No their absolutely shitty behaviour is the reason they don't have a relationship with their Grandchild. Don't see them, be happy with either no contact, tell them their actions led to this.

How dare they treat you like crap and then expect you to welcome them into your apparently shit home so they can see their grandchild? And what? Have another go at you? You clearly have a very supportive Dh who is dealing with the fact that his parents and not what he hoped parents would be. Set an example for your child now, no one treats you like shit and then gets to be in your life.

Seriously, this is not a good situation, start as you mean to go on, stop contact now. Also do check out the relationships board, it isn't just about couples but all sorts of relationships including shitty parental ones.

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 11:02

I appreciate my post is harsh but threads like this annoy me as they are SO arrogantly disrespectful.

Thinking you know better than your spouse about their relationship with THEIR parents and family.

It ALWAYS comes back to bite the busybody spouse on the arse, while having caused unnecessary stress to their long suffering partner.

Your point that you haven't come across a dynamic that is not an exact replica of your own family is unbelievable.🙄

So you are incapable of imagining that every family all over the world is not EXACTLY like yours in its dynamics.🙄

How utterly extraordinary.

Your poor husband.

If this was the other way around I would be telling you to seriously consider leaving such a narrow minded, arrogant, interfering spouse, and cut your losses.

Your husband sounds like a saint that he hasn't put you in your place and told you to mind your own business, a long time ago.

OMalleysAlley · 06/05/2023 11:03

Defer to your husband 😂

OMalleysAlley · 06/05/2023 11:03

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 11:02

I appreciate my post is harsh but threads like this annoy me as they are SO arrogantly disrespectful.

Thinking you know better than your spouse about their relationship with THEIR parents and family.

It ALWAYS comes back to bite the busybody spouse on the arse, while having caused unnecessary stress to their long suffering partner.

Your point that you haven't come across a dynamic that is not an exact replica of your own family is unbelievable.🙄

So you are incapable of imagining that every family all over the world is not EXACTLY like yours in its dynamics.🙄

How utterly extraordinary.

Your poor husband.

If this was the other way around I would be telling you to seriously consider leaving such a narrow minded, arrogant, interfering spouse, and cut your losses.

Your husband sounds like a saint that he hasn't put you in your place and told you to mind your own business, a long time ago.

Ooh you're a spicy one aren't you.

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 11:06

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 06/05/2023 10:55

Ignore the self righteous who want to blame you. You did your best, I seem to recall something about ‘blessed are the peacemakers’. Mumsnet seems to love a grudge, though..

in this case, though, it hasn’t worked. You are not under any pressure from your husband to have a relationship with them, they don’t want a relationship with you, so that’s it.

’defer to your husband’! That gave me a good laugh for this morning, so thanks Billy. Live in hope, eh?

Yea, defer.

It's not a word that I use.

But in THIS instance I think a partner/spouse should have enough respect for the lived experience of the person who has told them they have had a difficult relationship with their parents/family and not interfere and think they know better.

This is basic respect for your partner.

So absolutely "defer" and respect that they know better than you do about THEIR relationship with THEIR parents.

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 11:10

OMalleysAlley · 06/05/2023 11:03

Ooh you're a spicy one aren't you.

Show quote history

I am👍🤣

SchoolTripDrama · 06/05/2023 12:53

They sound massively racist tbh

Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 06/05/2023 13:58

@billy1966 your post was harsh but I understand where you are coming from. You are probably partially right but I dont think i painted the picture clear enough. I never forced my husband into contact with them. I never reached out to them first when they were not in touch with DH and when they wanted to know how is DS I had a “permission” from DH to do so if I was ok with it and I was because I felt sorry Dmil cannot be in DS life due to some arguments between DH and them. (Not that i needed permission but I never did anything behind his back or against him and was always taking his feelings into consideration first).

OP posts:
Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 06/05/2023 14:01

@Rainbowshine i will look it up thank you. It is beyond my understanding how own parents can be toxic (and DFil is very narcissistic person but its whole another story.)

i guess I will let it be for now and wont get involved.

OP posts:
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