To think we do an equal share of household tasks

[TBC45678]

Narrative in my relationship has always been that I'm a bit lazy with cleaning and tidying, my husband is the neat one who does most of the housework (light-hearted, jokes with friends etc). I'm now starting to question this! It's like because he's got the reputation for being the one who does the most he's just a martyr about it and doesn't recognise all I do.

We have a weekly cleaner so there's not much actual cleaning like mopping floors etc to be done. We religiously take it in turns to cook our grown up dinner every other night (whilst the other puts the kids to bed) and the person who didn't cook cleans up in the kitchen later. He's a bit better during the day at cleaning up in the kitchen as he goes, whereas I will mainly leave my lunch stuff and the kids lunch stuff to clean up after dinner, if that makes sense

Him:

• any minor DIY, bleeding radiators, fixing taps etc, putting up pictures
• bins and sorting recycling (folding cardboard etc)
• puts 90% of laundry washes on (I.e. takes from laundry basket, puts in washing machine and turns on)
• puts his own laundry away
• nursery drop off 3x a week

Me:

• tidies up the kids mess (bedroom, toys, crafts etc)
• cooks 80% of kids meals. If they have 10 meals at home in the week for example he will make maybe 2 of them (if that).
• put my laundry and kids laundry away
• nursery pick up 3 X a week

I work 3 days a week, fairly long hours. With kids the other 2 days. He works full time, at home 3 days a week and in office 2 days a week. Our kids are 3 and 18 months. We pretty much split kid duty when we're both there, do 50% of bath/bedtimes etc.

This is mainly lighthearted but I am interested to see what people think and if I deserve my reputation of being a bit lazy in the house!

He seems to do more especially as yo say he works full time . How can he be doing 50% childcare when he’s working from home, that’s not right

It seems to me like he does a little bit more

but who does the things like food shop, life admin, gardening? If that’s all him as well then you possibly deserve the rep but if it’s all you then I this it’s unjustified

Do you end up with similar amounts of free time?

Seems to me he does more, especially if working full time vs part time!

@Throwncrumbs no I said when we're both home, not when he's working of course, we do 50%. So if we're both there and the working day is done (ie every night pretty much) then we split doing bath and bedtime for example. Obviously when he's working from home he doesn't do anything with the kids, I do all meals and nap times etc.

@PuttingDownRoots I think he has more wriggle room in his working day, he often exercises a few hours during the working day for example, whereas my job, and the days I have the kids don't allow it. But evenings and weekends I'd say we have equal amounts of free, grown up time.

You haven't answered about life admin, shopping, food planning, the mental load, Christmas etc. It's looking quite equal tbh.

@Wannabedisneyprincess I'd say life admin like food shopping, garden etc is equal. Anything to do with the kids, I sort, ie sorting nursery fees and admin, all doctors appointments, vaccinations, kids activities, clubs and parties is me.

To be honest on the face of it it sounds equal enough for me to think it’s fair. No one is freeloading or coasting.

I think the relevant point is that you are (understandably) irritated by this running joke about how messy you are and I don’t blame you. It’s unfair because you’re not: you are doing half or near as dammit. There’s a slightly misogynistic tone to the joke too like “get a loaf of my missus she’s a crap housewife and I’m the well adjusted, organised progressive husband.” Maybe overthinking but this would piss me off a bit.

I’d focus on that rather than trying to work out exact proportions of task allocations.

I would say totally fine split, my DH thinks we have an equal split as he does all gardening, half the cooking, half the childcare L, most DIY but I do some little bits

but I do everything else, tidying, washing, dishwasher, all shopping inc his family bdays and Xmas, nursery, apps anything that requires mental load it’s on me

we have a cleaner that comes every week so neither have to do that although I make sure the house is super tidy so she isn’t wasting cleaning time tidying

@Thepeopleversuswork thank you - you've articulated my irritation very well. It's like he gets all this amazed praise that he does his fair share. Especially at the expense of me!

I think lots of women get annoyed by their partners being praised for doing anything. This is because so many men are utterly useless. I would just smile and laugh along if I were you.

It sounds equal to me.

The praise is sexist and would irritate me. I'd point it out or start joking about praising men for other basic things adults do.

Who does financial stuff. Sorts out insurance, pays bills, does taxes, bank stuff etc?

@putalidonit again, I would say about 50%. We each have different insurance things we're responsible for (him car, me house) same with bills. He sorts the mortgage but as I said I do all nursery invoices. Holidays I'd say 50/50 too, like if I want/suggest a place I'd book accommodation and flights and vice versa.

Mental load stuff I think I have more of. Meal planning, calendar stuff and all kids activities are on me to pay for and organise and remember.

I'd like to say, I don't feel hard done by at all. I'm very grateful and happy I have a partner who does his fair share willingly! I think we have a good partnership and it's all worked out well without big arguments or fussing about it. So I don't want to rock the boat by protesting about being fondly teased for being lazy around the house. This anonymous rant is just what I needed 😂