I kind of know I am and I don’t know how to feel

[ForceLife]

Condensed version:
Friends with R since childhood, we start a relationship a few years ago which I ended last year on good terms. R initially struggles to accept it’s over and tries to manipulate his way back in until he finds out I’d slept with someone else. He gets upset/angry and has since stopped all contact.

After we broke up, R starts spending a few evenings most weeks with S, my closest and longest standing friend (aside from R). They’ve never had a friendship outside of the three of us but they get on really well and are into the same things.

Whilst I would never tell someone who they can and can’t be friends with, and I’m happy they both get something out of the relationship, I can’t help but feel a bit pushed out. They both have lots of friends and friendship groups (extroverts) but they together represent a massive part of my (introvert) support network. It really hit me this week when I was near her house and went to pop in like I often do, but his car was parked outside so I left it.

I know IABU to feel like this but it stings and I can’t really talk to S as I don’t want to make her feel bad and R isn’t speaking to me anymore. It’s made me realise I need to cultivate closer relationships with my newer friends/acquaintances but this will take time. Thanks for reading, just needed to talk it through somewhere as I’m feeling pretty low right now facing another BH weekend with no plans and nobody to make them with.

Anyone?

They're allowed to be friends. Is there more to it maybe? Are you jealous?

Maybe ask S if they want to meet up? Why can't you?

So much is made of doing stuff on BH weekends but there will be loads of people with no plans. Try not to give in to FOMO.

You are not being unreasonable to feel pushed out. It doesn't matter what the ins and outs are, you are grieving losses so feeling low is part of that. Is your relationship not strong enough with S to explain that whilst you are happy that they get along that now that R doesn't talk to you, you are losing out on time with S. Maybe if S realised she/he would make an effort to spend time with you without R present. The problem I that people don't always know how you feel so sometimes telling them helos them understand etc. Re forging new friendships, I think that would be a good idea. Having choices is always better.

Text S now and ask to meet up this weekend?

Sorry about all of the typos.

Thanks everyone, it’s helpful to have other perspectives.

I don’t think anything else is going on between them, but it’s obviously crossed my mind and actually, I’m ok about that if it happens. It might feel a bit weird having both been with the same man (we have the kind of relationship where we discuss everything - she’s a very open person) but otherwise, I’d be pleased for them. I don’t have any romantic feelings for R and in hindsight, got with him because I felt like I ‘owed’ him a relationship for being such a great friend and I knew that was what he really wanted.

@tensmum1964, thanks for reminding me that it’s normal to feel low at times of loss. I’ve felt an overwhelming sense of freedom when I finally ended things and have found my confidence returning so this is the first time I’ve felt a sense of loss since we split.

I’m also feeling pissed off with R for the way he behaved when he found out I’d moved on (several months after we’d separated and I repeatedly made it clear there was no chance of reconciliation). It’s a side to him I’ve never really seen before - he was sneering and judgemental when I don’t think I’d done anything wrong. It’s crossed my mind that a part of his motivation is to make me jealous. He has a lot of other friends he could meet up with but I also know he’s struggling with the idea of people knowing we’ve split up so maybe he’s avoiding them.

I trust S implicitly but she’s always really busy, it’s hard to find a time when she’s available at the best of times. I suppose a little part of me feels jealous that they might prefer each other’s company over mine but I totally get that’s my problem and none of my business. We have gone out a couple of times recently but she’s busy all this weekend. She knows she’s basically my only friend at the moment and whilst she’s been there for me, I don’t want to overburden her with my shit, especially as a lot of it is about R, who’s also her friend.

I’m going to keep busy this weekend and hope these feelings pass soon.

R doesn't sound like a very nice character. Are you sure he isn't deliberately monopolising S's time just to isolate you out of spite?

@tensmum1964, last year, I would have said no as I thought he was one of the good ones, but since seeing a different side to him, I’m recognising just how much he manipulated me, even from before we got together. I don’t think it came from a malicious place, probably more about getting his needs met, but still, I’m questioning just how ‘nice’ he really is. I know he’s hurting and feeling rejected, I wouldn’t be surprised if a part of his motivation is revenge, even if it’s from a ‘living well is the best revenge’ angle. But I’m sure the main motivation is mutual friendship. He still has a key and has left quite a lot of stuff at mine so will have to broach getting him to take things back at some point.

I ended up going round to S’s for a quick coffee and we had a really good chat about things so I’m feeling loads better about the situation.

I'm glad you got to talk to S. Sounds like it went well. Be cautious with R. Whilst his behaviour may not be malicious in intent, there sounds like some intent there to either isolate or manipulate you so the impact on you can still be damaging. Also stop feeling guilty (you sound like you feel guilty) about R feeling rejected and being hurt and look after your self and your needs because it sounds like he is so why shouldn't you.

Think I was a bit naive to believe it’s all been resolved.

He continues to be there all the time (S and I live in the same village so I pass her house regularly going about my usual business, R lives in the next city over). Recently S has started ignoring my messages and suggestions to meet up. Then I see a SM post about her favourite people, he is on there, I’m not.

I’m all too aware that I need to get a grip but I feel so pushed out and hurt today. I’m making a huge effort to meet up with other acquaintances but I struggle with superficial relationships and miss my close friends. This feels really shit. I wish I’d never got with him