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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday gifts

17 replies

80skid · 05/05/2023 15:43

It's my birthday soon. DH has asked for a list of gifts I would like. I'm not a particularly wanty person, but what I would really love is for a gift which shows he knows me and knows what, possibly small gift would make me smile.

I got upset a birthday or 2 ago when he bought me generic "woman" gifts which tbh, he could have bought for a stranger. Is it that difficult to think of something your spouse likes? Even a voucher for a massage, maybe he could book a babysitter and a restaurant, find a book I would enjoy or anything which demonstrates he has any idea whatsoever as to what makes me tick? My perfume lives in the bathroom, surely he could manage to think to buy what I like already? He's not unkind or lacking in generosity, he just seems incapable of thinking of gifts other than wine/chocolates/flowers. Sometimes, especially amongst the hustle and personal invisibility that family life often brings, it makes me sad that his gifts show no knowledge of me as a person and no special thoughts or effort.

I hope I don't sound like an ungrateful brat. I'd just like to be seen and noticed occasionally.

OP posts:

DappledThings · 05/05/2023 16:14

I'm shit at thinking of gifts. Doesn't mean I don't love the people I buy for but I have no idea what makes a good gift.

So you have said your perfume, but if I were him I'd be worried getting that was a shit gift because it's just replacing something. Getting a dinner out, sure but some people think that's an experience not a gift and doesn't count. It's bloody hard.

Books, maybe. But I've bought DH books he likes but then they've sat round for ages as he quite fairly prioritises other ones he's bought himself as he really really wanted them.

Nothing wrong with giving the guy a few hints and taking off the pressure. It's not a man thing for me. DH is better at it than me.

maybein2022 · 05/05/2023 16:17

I used to get worked up about this but some people are just rubbish at thinking of gifts- particularly if they’re not into receiving gifts themselves. I gave up long ago on expecting gifts that were any good, and now just buy myself my own things as and when. And I don’t buy DH birthday gifts either- he is delighted with this!

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2023 16:18

He’s asked for a list of things you’d really like, so give him one!

Write perfume, massage, night out together, book, necklace, house plant etc

FayCarew · 05/05/2023 16:24

Some people can get exactly the right gift - something that you never knew you wanted but it delights you.
Some people give what they think you should have, which has no bearing on what you need/want/like. These presents are usually so bad, you wish they hadn't bothered, or had given you a M&S voucher.

I either nail it or am completely stumped, depending on how well I know the person. Family - easy. Partner - impossible.

He asks because he wants you to give him a list of what you would like, so give him a list.

UnbeIievabIe · 05/05/2023 16:47

It doesn't sound like he's doing a bad job. What generic woman's gifts do you mean?

UsingChangeofName · 05/05/2023 17:15

YABU

It sounds as if you are wanting to set up a test that he might then fail.

Why wouldn't you let people know what you want for Birthday / Christmas, and then you receive what you want ?

I love my dh, but have no idea what to get him for birthdays. If he wants something, then he buys it for himself. Same in terms of me. If I have a birthday coming up, I'll tell people I want X, y, or z. If not, then I'll buy it. I don't need to play games to test if they can guess what I might want.

FayCarew · 05/05/2023 19:34

An XP had form for this. Me: "What would you like for your birthday?'
Him: 'If you loved me you'd know'
Me: 'I haven't a clue, please give me at least a big hint'
Him: 'I shouldn't have to'
...
...
and he'd sulk because I got him something he didn't want.
He'd sulk because I hadn't written the right message in the card.

IrregularChoiceFan · 05/05/2023 19:39

FayCarew · 05/05/2023 19:34

Eurgh God! No wonder they are an ex!

OP, just give him a list! Me and DP have shelved gifts for each other over the past few years due to money. We are in a better position this year so are going to write a list of things we actually want and will each get each other something from the list for Christmas. I'm actually really excited! I enjoy making lists though.

FayCarew · 05/05/2023 20:20

I also had an ex-boyfriend who asked for something specific for Christmas.
It was more than I wanted to spend but I bought it.
We exchanged presents. I got several things that if i added them all up including the card and the chocolates came to the same value. Basically, generic gifts that looked like he's made a last minute dash to a department store.

Original poster

80skid · 05/05/2023 20:43

Maybe it's me. I'm not testing him, and I'm really not a high maintenance partner whatsoever. I've told him a thing which I would like and he's done that but he asked for a list too, which surprised me tbh. I didn't expect anything else. I just wanted something personal - just a token. In the past when I've asked for something specific, he tried to get me to book it on his credit card. I know that might suit some people, but I wanted him to make some effort and spoil me a bit. We're not talking mega bucks here, we are pretty modest with gift buying.

OP posts:

Original poster

80skid · 05/05/2023 20:48

FayCarew · 05/05/2023 19:34

Wow, he sounds controlling and awful. I'm glad he's an ex

OP posts:

FayCarew · 06/05/2023 13:21

Me too!

UWhatNow · 06/05/2023 13:33

I am in full agreement op but after being married a long time, with a loving partner who knows me better than I know myself, he’s still absolutely shit at gifts. He asks my daughters now. I don’t know why. It used to be really hurtful but now I forgive him because he’s so lovely and caring in many, many other ways.

Macaroni46 · 06/05/2023 13:39

Just give him the list. You're overthinking it

KarmaStar · 06/05/2023 13:59

Give him the list!at least he's thinking ahead about you and wants to buy things youwill love so he is thinking about you!don't expect him to be a mind reader.he wants to please you rather than see a disappointed smile on your face.it is all about you.Have a great birthday.💐

FayCarew · 06/05/2023 14:54

Give him a list and be specific.
Otherwise he might look at a 'Birthday gifts for her' type list and you'll get a bottle of scent, bouquet of flowers or a bracelet, quite possibly personalised, and you'll not be able to regift it as you're the only skid you know.

Flowers and/or chocolate do not make a birthday present. They are tokens of gratitude, and can given with a gift.

Original poster

80skid · 12/05/2023 07:04

A slight update here. As I said, I didn't particularly expect any gifts on top of what he has got which I had asked for, so we're talking token gifts. He is going to cook a special birthday tea for me and accurately guessed what I would choose, so that reassured me that he does open his eyes and notice me occasionally!!! Granted, it's a top choice for him too, but I was happy that he knew something about he after all!

OP posts:

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