AIBU to think DM is BU?

[doris9034]

Will try to keep this short - although there is so much I could say, in which case i apologise in advance for any drip feed that may occur!

Background in case it's relevant - both DM & DF are only children, so there is no extended family to reference against. I am the PFB (tried for 8 yrs before I appeared!), and my younger DSis has always been a bit of a free spirit - she moved abroad with her DH 5 years ago. I have not lived at home since I was 18, but have generally always been compliant with their wishes and kept the peace. I'm 45 and have been with my DP (62) for 11 years.

Last night was just the latest in a series of conversations about how disappointed my DM/DF are with my living situation ..... this time it was because we might go and visit DP's kids / grandkids this weekend rather than doing jobs in the house. They have a huge problem with the fact that DP hasn't worked for a couple of years since we stopped fostering - he is setting up a community enterprise which admittedly has taken longer than anticipated, but is now starting to take off and has lots of interest. However DM particularly seems to think this gives her the right to lecture us on our lifestyle and constantly criticise DP for not having "paid employment" and "going off to do whatever he likes without thinking about what needs doing in the house". I tried really hard not to be defensive and say that whilst I appreciated her position, it is really easy to form opinions when you're not actually in the situation - to which the response was "well, your obviously not telling me everything about your life"

WTAF - I'm 45 years old - I've done more in my life than they ever have in theirs in terms of moving house on my own multiple times (including abroad and back), managing redundancy and getting a new job etc etc, and my DP has grown up kids, grandkids and managed his own business for 25 years, plus fostering together for about 6 years. There's nothing massive that needs doing in the house - but DM likes to make jobs lists of invented tasks (she does this at home for my DF too!).

Is this normal? Should they know and manage the minutae of my life, or actually
should I just be able to live my life and get on with it? They have helped us financially over the years, but I have never asked for or would ever expect this - it's purely their choice, and TBF does also benefit them in the longer term re care home provision etc (their comment not mine!)

I guess I really just wanted to rant, but would be interested to know what others think....

IABU - you should accept & pander to DM/DF
IANBU - you should live your own life and not be controlled

Stop telling them things about your life and then they can't comment on them.

Make bland generic answers to comments about DP, jobs, the house and steer the conversation onto neutral topics.

I'd also suggest not to take money from them unless you are absolutely desperate. It will just be another thing to hold over you.

My parents are exactly the same - they think they can comment on every aspect of my life. We get along much better since they don't know any more about my life other than we are all doing "fine" at work/school and I just talk about their garden, the weather and a funny thing that happened on the way to the shop.

You sound overly enmeshed with them.

Tell them nothing, and bat off any criticism with “it works for us.”

It's handy to have a few stock phrases ready, "We are happy with our choices" is one I use.

The diet of less information is best...

My answer to my df is
I may be your dc but I'm not a dc so don't treat me like one.
He still tries but he knows I'll do as I like.

Have you ever moaned about things that need doing or wished you could do in your house, OP?

Of course your mum should just be quiet- it’s none of her business. But presumably she’s very house proud and it’s just her thing?

criticise DP for not having "paid employment" and "going off to do whatever he likes without thinking about what needs doing in the house". I tried really hard not to be defensive and say that whilst I appreciated her position, it is really easy to form opinions when you're not actually in the situation

I mean, why didn’t you just say ‘Mum, there’s nothing that needs doing!’

Your dm is being very rude in her unsolicited advice and attempts to micromanage your life. This is not how your relationship has to be, it’s probably become this through you being generally compliant plus your sister being geographically beyond dm’s management grasp. You must be giving her a lot of this information/ammunition. Cut her off at source. Any information you give her may be used against you so cut talking time right down and keep it much more general. If she persists tell her you find her criticisms of your dp hurtful and would rather not hear them. You are an adult now and have at least 50% say in how your relationship with dp’s evolves. Decide on your boundaries and stick to them, guaranteed she will learn to be less censorious when she knows there are consequences.

My father used to do this , point out stuff that needed doing in my house and garden .Problem was , I agreed with him ! But then I was loyal to my Ex and said that my husband was the owner of his house and only he could decide what he wanted to do . Asked my father how he would feel about another man telling him what to do on his own house.

But , like someone said , don't tell your mother anything more. If questioned , say you didn't really eant it open to discussion.

I had to tell my MIL that her opinion on my decor didn't really matter to me , so maybe say nothing .

Stop telling her stuff.
Also, stop taking their money - it gives them an 'in' to then lecture you about your income!

I don't tell my DM anything. And outside of birthday or Christmas I won't accept anything from her ever - because it comes with expectations. Even for my wedding , I didn't let her contribute a single penny. Because I knew it would give her the entitlement to try to change everything about the day.

She gets to find out things after the fact. She found out we were expecting the day before I told work - at 15 weeks. She found out I changed jobs after I got hired. Try it - it's great! there's no lectures!!

Thank you for all your replies - you are al right of course, I do need to tell her less and try and minimise ammunition!
@happypoobum we are defo too enmeshed - a lot of it stems from the fact that I had a nearly fatal car accident, although this was over 20 years ago, but since which DM has needed to know my whereabouts / actions all the time. I do try to cut off from this, but it's hard to do without upsetting her
Fundamentally, I know she means nothing malicious by it, but she basically doesn't know any different - she was a SAHM from when I was born (1978), and has never worked since due to ill health - which basically means her main experience of life was in the 60's and 70's and she's never really moved on. Plus the fact she has no siblings / cousins or even close friends to relate to so i genuinely think she only has her own way! @NoSquirrels absolutely she is very house proud as this is really all she has had to focus on - looking after the house / my DF / bringing up me and DSis.
It doesn't make it any easier for me though - so i will try and take all your advice and back off a bit in terms of what I share etc

"Mum it's none of your business/I didn't ask for your opinion/ you're not me/ I'm old enough to decide how I want to spend my weekend ..."

It's going to be a shock to her when you stop behaving like a 12 year old. It may take a while to adjust.

Does your husband hear these comments? How does he not explode?

Your husband sounds like lovely bloke doing something really positive and useful with his life.

Your mum sounds like she needs to interfere in your life to give her own life meaning.

I think your life would be easier if you set some clear boundaries in your own head, things you keep private, interference and put downs that you won't allow. Then just carry on with your own life, which makes you happy. I speak as someone who let my parents get away with this and it was exhausting and sad making and only ended for me when they died.

@BungalowLil you have totally got it xx

You can nail this. You don't have to bend to your mum's will to make her love you and does it make her happy anyway when you do? Probably not, she just moves on to the next gripe. Just be you and that's enough.

Remember that phrase, 'You don't have to set fire to yourself to keep someone else warm'.

Choose to be happy and don't take any sh1t. Hope all goes well for you and that your other half's project is a storming success.

Is it that she's worried you are carrying your DP financially and thinks he should at least be earning his keep looking after the jobs in the house and keeping it nice? Not that any of it is her business.