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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband spending time with another female

25 replies

PollySock · 05/05/2023 11:01

Hi all

I'm married with 2 young children. We have a good relationship - probably similar to a lot of households with small kids in that we don't get as much time for us as we used to! But we still get on well, and he's a good partner/dad.

He has started running with a female who he has known for many years. She is also married with kids. They used to run with another male on weekends but the last few times he has not been able to go.

I don't think he would have an affair and he has never given me any impression he would. I don't know her and haven't met her. As far as I know, they only converse to arrange a run.

Despite all this, I just hate it happening. I'm in work or looking after our child and he's with another woman. It just seems unreasonable of me though as it's something he enjoys, I wouldn't be able to run with him due to childcare and also I'm not on his level of running, and like I say he's given me no inclination anything is happening.

OP posts:

Sissynova · 05/05/2023 11:05

Why have you started another post on this?

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2023 11:05

I don't think that your feelings are wrong as such. But my adult DD trains with men, some in partnerships etc, it isn't easy to find someone to train with and it keeps you on track.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/05/2023 11:06

I was wondering the same.

onefinemess · 05/05/2023 11:09

So your opinion of your husband is that he can't be trusted.

If that's the case, why are you still with him?

I can't fathom the mumsnet logic that a man is incapable of interacting with another female without wanting to have sex with them.

Where has this come from?

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/05/2023 11:09

I think you either trust your husband or you don't.

If you have genuine grounds for not trusting him then your marriage is not working and you need to work out what the next steps are.

If you do trust him, you need to get to the bottom of why you feel like this because it's a you problem, not a him problem.

It's not reasonable to police your partner in this way and you can't demand that they shut themselves off from spending time with members of the opposite sex.

Frabbits · 05/05/2023 11:25

People are allowed to socialise with people of the opposite sex. If you are happy for him to be out running and you trust him, his choice of running partner shouldn't matter at all.

Pegsandsunshine · 05/05/2023 11:33

The real question is- do you have time to yourself while he takes care of kids?
If not, change that, and go and meet other people (men and women)- as it's not fair he enjoyes free time having fun doing sport and you never get anything.

Curseofthenation · 05/05/2023 12:05

I run with a male friend. It is really tricky to find people on your level to run with and it would be really unfair to kick up a fuss. I think you would know if he walked through the door and hadn't been on a run...

Let it go and find a hobby.

Lwrenagain · 05/05/2023 12:18

She may be scared to run alone, sad state of the world but without your husband running with her she may not be able to face running alone.
I know a few women who love running/jogging but won't go alone.

Just make sure you get some time to do something nice for you, him having a female friend isn't a reason to get upset.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 05/05/2023 12:29

Going against the grain, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I'd explain why and see if you can work something else out.

If a heterosexual male and female see each other alone regularly, an attraction can develop and you'd have to be stupid to say otherwise.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 05/05/2023 12:30

And the need for the other lady to ha e a running partner to feel safe isn't op's dilemma to solve.

gannett · 05/05/2023 12:51

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 05/05/2023 12:29

Going against the grain, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, I'd explain why and see if you can work something else out.

If a heterosexual male and female see each other alone regularly, an attraction can develop and you'd have to be stupid to say otherwise.

If my partner "explained why" me having a male running partner (or socialising with another man one-on-one) made him feel uncomfortable, I would work it out by dumping him instantly. You might not be able to help your feelings but I do not want irrational jealousy affecting in my relationships.

If a heterosexual male and female see each other alone regularly, an attraction can develop and you'd have to be stupid to say otherwise.

An attraction "can" develop in all sorts of scenarios (not that it necessarily will) and you'd have to be paranoid to live your life trying to prevent all of those scenarios rather than finding a partner you can trust regardless of any scenario.

An attraction can develop in the workplace, for instance. I suppose you think it'd be reasonable for a man to prevent his wife from working closely with a male colleague? How very Mike Pence.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 05/05/2023 13:02

Its woman not female she's not a dog or cow.
If it's just running - aka no previous infidelity etc - then I think it's controlling to stop him doing so. Men and women can just be friends. Especially as she's also married.
He's not 'with another woman' he's running as normal with his running buddies one of which has been busy for a few weeks.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 05/05/2023 13:16

Lwrenagain · 05/05/2023 12:18

Just make sure you get some time to do something nice for you, him having a female friend isn't a reason to get upset.

Thankfully we humans can be attracted to someone and never act on it. We also are attracted and not attracted to different things and don't always grow an attraction.

lightinthebox · 05/05/2023 13:20

If a heterosexual male and female see each other alone regularly, an attraction can develop and you'd have to be stupid to say otherwise.

Oh please, utter nonsense. I regularly do 1-1 exercise sessions with a male PT, guess I'd better stop before I start having an affair!

SirVixofVixHall · 05/05/2023 13:26

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/05/2023 11:09

I think you either trust your husband or you don't.

If you have genuine grounds for not trusting him then your marriage is not working and you need to work out what the next steps are.

If you do trust him, you need to get to the bottom of why you feel like this because it's a you problem, not a him problem.

It's not reasonable to police your partner in this way and you can't demand that they shut themselves off from spending time with members of the opposite sex.

Agree with this. My DH has female friends , I have male ones, it is normal .

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 05/05/2023 13:53

@gannett Yeah, that's exactly what I said 🙄

I wouldn't do anything that would make my partner feel worried or awkward, he comes first. And he feels the same way about me.

So no, I wouldn't 'dump' him if he felt this way. We put each other first and care about each others feelings.

Most married couples we know feel the same.

We all do relationships our own way, and that's my opinion for the op who asked.

SparklyBlackKitten · 05/05/2023 14:12

Why do you refer to her as a female. She is a woman. missing the point

You either feel like you cant trust your husband

you feel threatened by a presumably good looking, fit woman who takes pride in her appearance?

Do you feel like you have let yourself go a bit maybe?And your sex life is all but dried up and you are more like room-mates than husband and wife? Because this happens to many marriages. And when that happens.... you say your marriage is strong but at the same time know that it isn't.

But that leaves trust. Do you trust him and is he to be trusted . Because if so
Stop focusing on her. And start focusing on yourself and your relationship with dh.

Justdonenow · 05/05/2023 14:15

If a heterosexual male and female see each other alone regularly, an attraction can develop and you'd have to be stupid to say otherwise.

I see lots of heterosexual men regularly and they never seem to develop an attraction to me. More’s the pity

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/05/2023 14:21

If a heterosexual male and female see each other alone regularly, an attraction can develop and you'd have to be stupid to say otherwise.

Heterosexual men and women who are not in couples spend time together all the time without any hint of sexual activity. I was out with a heterosexual man (a colleague) last night who is not my partner with partner's full knowledge and consent. It would not occur to him to stop me going for a drink with this person because he trusts me and vice versa.

Sometimes there can be an attraction to other people but the whole point about a marriage or committed relationship is that you prioritise the relationship with your spouse over a fleeting attraction because you are committed to one person.

If a relationship can't sustain occasional contact with people of the opposite sex it is not a strong relationship.

Suzannargh · 05/05/2023 14:36

Invite her and her family to lunch one day? No harm in making extra friends.

I don’t think you sound insecure, more jealous that a) he gets regular child-free time doing something socially that he enjoys and b) she gets to spend pleasurable child-free time with your husband, maybe more than you do. Feeling this way is normal. So how can you ensure you get more time socially without him, and pleasurable time with him?

Dacadactyl · 05/05/2023 14:42

I wouldn't like it either OP and would have to say something about it.

IrregularChoiceFan · 06/05/2023 08:22

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 05/05/2023 13:53

@gannett Yeah, that's exactly what I said 🙄

I wouldn't do anything that would make my partner feel worried or awkward, he comes first. And he feels the same way about me.

So no, I wouldn't 'dump' him if he felt this way. We put each other first and care about each others feelings.

Most married couples we know feel the same.

We all do relationships our own way, and that's my opinion for the op who asked.

So if your partner told you that seeing your friends and family made him feel uncomfortable, you would stop seeing them?

Or if he said you working made him feel financially inadequate, you would quit your job and become fully dependent on him?

Sounds like abuse to me but as you say, we're all different.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 06/05/2023 11:27

@IrregularChoiceFan

No, that's abuse and not obviously not acceptable.

But putting a reasonable, loving marriage mate first is not.

Nopetryagain · 06/05/2023 11:36

But they don’t appear to be meeting alone and usually there is another person running with them.

I would ask your husband why the other guy isn’t running with them anymore and if it’s only temporary say nothing further. If it seems more permanent let your husband know that makes you uncomfortable.

I think it’s fair to feel a little vulnerable when you don’t get much time alone as a couple to not want your husband spending free time with another woman.

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