I’ve started to think I am actually losing my mind with a few things that have happened in my relationship.
I decided to call my GP and I told her the truth about my situation with DH.
Prior to my calling the GP, DH suggested I might need mood stabilisers but “don’t tell the GP I said that” Is that right?!
Our GP unequivocally suggested I speak to a domestic abuse helpline. I spoke to the helpline for 2 hours and they suggested I was the victim of emotional and financial abuse.
Im in shock. Is this actually the case, surely it is not and I have contributed to this as I have also acted terribly at times.
Background - I mostly gave up my own work after DD so DH could maximise his earnings as a self employed Locum hospital doctor. I help with his business, manage the home and am available 100% of the time for childcare. I can’t plan any aspects of our lives as within 24 hours notice he might have to go and do a shift.
He paid me a “wage” of £400 a month, where my personal direct debits came from (car, phone, insurances etc) leaving me around £250) There was a separate joint account where he put £500 a month went into for food shops etc, but the main account where the money came into, was only accessible by him. Every month I was asking for money - be it for house things, or other bits - despite me telling him how cringeworthy this was. He’d often forget to transfer it so I would be reminding him.
I expressed how powerless I felt, and especially because amidst all this he had a mild addiction to crypto trading, which I never wanted involvement in.
Two years down the line he announced we are facing financial ruin due to Crypto tax implications, then tells me he has taken a Xanax (unprescribed - he gets them from his home country) and falls asleep, leaving me awake all night in blind panic.
Turns out we aren’t in financial ruin due to a loop hole found by his Crypto accountant - but we could still face tens of thousands of pounds of debt should an investigation be made in the future.
He’s recently tried (by his own admission) manipulative tactics with me to put more money into cryptocurrency again. I stopped this but discovered another high risk investment that he did not disclose. All the while we have had this set up of him at the helm, there has been no financial plan or budget and we’ve been haemorrhaging money.
He is charming and a good guy who people like, but he can’t express anger, and instead can be passive aggressive, moody and dismissive or gives me the silent treatment instead of discussing as adults.
Last weekend he was in one of his moods after a bad week at work and at the weekend DD was playing up. He threw her favourite teddy across the room. She was distraught. When I asked him he said “she tried to push me down the stairs” (she’s 4!) He did the same thing the next day with lobbing her dolly when she accidentally hit him with it. Then walked off leaving me on the top of a hill with a distressed child and no idea where he was.
He can be cold, cruel and withholding. When he’s like this I have often escalated to the point where I think I am going to lose my temper, and then end up doing so. I’ve yelled and even called him names (to my utter shame!) On two occasions he started recording me against my wishes and things got worse.
When I discovered the hidden investment, he gaslit me and spoke to me like we hadn’t made any promises previously.
We spoke to a therapist who told him it was a form of financial abuse. One week after he said we’d finally get joint access, the bank never called him back. I was so distraught I STILL didn’t have access, I demanded he gave my the logins and info for the account. I wanted to, on advice from a financial advisor, transfer our emergency fund into my name. I threatened to call his sister, he still wouldn’t. I said I’d call the police (not believing myself) but when he didn’t I dialled them, and hung up - but they still have to come out. He did eventually give me access the following week.
I am ramping up my freelance business and know I need to be financially free from this man. Right now I have a few £1000 to my name, that’s all. At 39.
We were trying for a baby at the start of this year. Even though this was caused by him, he has said no to trying. He also kept me guessing about getting married too despite being engaged.
I know I’m stupid and I should have insisted on having access to the finances and shouldn’t have made myself so vulnerable. But is this my fault? I also have shouted and I called the police on him, is this on me? How do I move forward?