please help me work out what to tell DS?

[olivsyy]

DS (5) has started asking why Dad is away. My ex didn’t see him until ds was 11 months and since then has been very intermittent. The best way I can describe it is that it’s like dealing with a teenager (he’s 46). I have to explain to him ds will be upset if you cancel, are you sure about x date, then after he’s seen him he won’t arrange the next time so I am left with a five year old asking when he will see Dad again. It seems to have become more of a thing recently as another child was talking about their Dad collecting them at a local playgroup.

I am so sick of my ex (I won’t bore you with how utterly vile was to me during my pregnancy). I honestly think if he died our life would be simpler and it might even be easier for ds to understand. I am always always civil, always kind on father day, Xmas etc, get ex a gift from dc. Always accommodate his busy schedule. I cannot stand the man, though, and this kindness has always been done with ds in mind. But I am so worried about what to tell ds when he keeps asking where’s dad snd when am I seeing dad. No child should have to wait 4/5 months each time he sees his Dad!!

Is this going to have an awful effect on him as he grows up?

tell your child the truth in a age/stage appropriate way

’daddy is busy but hopefully you will be able to see him soon’

’ill contact daddy to see when he is next free’

‘I did contact daddy but he’s not gotten back to me yet’

Also have you told the dad the child wants more contact? Have you asked him if he wants to just stay out of his life if he can’t be bothered or even withhold contact and tell him to take it to court? He might not bother

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't great. Just out of interest, does your ex help your ds to get you birthday/christmas presents? Anyway, I would be as honest as you can be, but always make it clear that it's not your ds's fault. If his dad lets him down, give him the reason that his dad gave you, or a slightly more kind version if necessary. It's normal to want to 'fix' things, but if something is out of your control, you can end up making excuses which aren't true, which won't solve anything in the long run. Sometimes it's okay to say you don't know. If your ds gets upset because he doesn't know when he's going to see his dad again, acknowledge his feelings and ask him if he wants a cuddle. It isn't your job to prevent your ds from ever getting hurt by his dad, but it is your job to be there for him.

I understand trying to protect your DS but why on earth are you buying your ex Father's Day gifts from DS?

Is there anyone else around who can step in and spend some time with him? A grandad or an uncle?

You can only tell the truth, as a PP says.

‘When am I seeing Dad?’
’I don’t know yet, because he hasn’t told me. I know you’d like to see him more.’

‘Why is Dad away so much?’
’I don’t know I’m afraid, DS. I know you’d like to see him more. But you can ask him yourself next time you see him.’