Is this perfectionism?

[hereiamagainn]

I am quite frequently visited by an overwhelming urge to ‘start fresh’ generally, with life.
There is no big mistake I want to reverse or alternative path to take, but nevertheless I get this feeling of dissatisfaction with myself, wish I could rewind and start my job again, but just be ‘better’ at it this time. Or rewind a decade and be a ‘ better’ friend, daughter, sister etc to the people I love.

Almost like playing a game and just feeling you could have done better so wanting a rematch, or wanting to turn over the paper and start a drawing afresh. If I dwell on it, the thought that I will only ever get one shot at anything I do, at living today, tomorrow and the day after, makes me feel quite anxious. I know each day is a new beginning but I would rather feel I’d got things right from the start and there are some things, like relationships, that you can’t begin again.

Anyone else get this? Is it perfectionism? I would not usually describe myself as one as I am very messy and disorganised (and of course, that's one of the things I want to turn back the clock and change…)

Anyone? Am hoping somebody will recognise what I’m describing, but maybe I am alone in this oddity!!

One more bump?

I understand! Yes, particularly career-wise I think of the missed opportunities or wrong turns. I don’t dwell on it, though - I’m fairly pragmatic. But if I had the chance to go again, having learned from my mistakes, then I’d do things differently. But I think that’s quite normal - quite human? It’s a well explored idea in popular culture, isn’t it? Robert Frost’s two paths diverging in a wood…

I don’t think it sounds like perfectionism. I would say I’m a perfectionist- I’m heavily critical of both myself and of others eg services I pay for. If something goes wrong, I don’t feel anxious but more angry or annoyed eg I’d complain about the service. I wouldn’t say I feel anxious but more ambitious and try and learn from mistakes rather than starting afresh.

If I dwell on it, the thought that I will only ever get one shot at anything I do, at living today, tomorrow and the day after, makes me feel quite anxious

A really great book on this feeling is Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. I listened on audio and would recommend.

Thanks for replying! I think what makes it different to the ‘two paths diverging’ (at least in my mind) is that there aren’t necessarily decisions I want to reverse, I just want to have another crack at doing the same things again only better this time. I dunno, maybe it’s low self esteem or something.

Thanks @NoSquirrels for the recommendation, is four thousand weeks the amount in an average lifetime? I can feel my anxiety rising just thinking about it!!

OK, then less Robert Frost and more Groundhog Day?

I just want to have another crack at doing the same things again only better this time

I find this interesting because I can’t imagine how I’d do it ‘better’ without changing some aspect of my decisions.

You’ll have to read the Oliver Burkeman!

Okay, I’m heading over to amazon @NoSquirrels 😃