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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Trauma from abusive relationship and handovers/ co parenting

7 replies

fizzycat567 · 04/05/2023 18:09

We have a child together so we went through courts to get court ordered contact in place. I have a very young child who I don’t believe is safe to be left alone with his dad but unfortunately the court did not take my concerns seriously and ex has every other weekend. I do handovers with his family/ friends (some of them I’ve never even met before and sometimes ex is sitting in car watching) as I have an order in place to prevent ex from coming near me. Unfortunately I rarely have anyone I know to help with handovers and I’ve been treated very badly by exes family/ some of his friends in the past and the whole situation is really triggering for me. I shake very badly during handovers, my hands and even my knees and sometimes I actually can’t drive away until I’ve calmed down as my legs are shaking too much to even drive. I can hardly even speak either my voice trembles and My stomach is in knots . I try to be as normal as I can be for my child’s sake but I just can’t seem to help the way my body reacts when I’m in close proximity to my ex and having contact with his friends/ family after all that they have done to me. I’m the same way even opening a text from exes family or a letter from his solicitor but totally fine rest of time. Thankfully we keep the handovers brief and only talk about important child centred things but that doesn’t seem to make me feel better. It‘s just so awful being forced to leave my child with someone who I know isn’t safe for them to be around and that is making thing worse. Has anyone experienced anything similar and been able to overcome it?

OP posts:
georgetheblob · 04/05/2023 18:43

My friends did the handover for me, luckily he lost interest (and now court ordered no contact because he is a psychopath! Which I did point out at the time...)

Anyone who would be willing to do it for you? Sympathy, I remember that feeling all too well, and the shaking...

SalaDaeng · 04/05/2023 18:47

If you can find someone to do the handovers he will lose interest more quickly. He probably enjoys your distress.
I would advise trying everything you can to get someone to handover.

Canuckduck · 04/05/2023 19:57

Is there a contact centre that you can attend to facilitate contact? Hand over to a third party and then wait until ex/ relatives are gone?

fizzycat567 · 04/05/2023 20:31

We used to do handovers at centre but it was only for short while and as exs family were saying they would facilitate handovers and centre is really busy court have forced me to do handovers with them instead of centre now

OP posts:
fizzycat567 · 04/05/2023 20:32

Thank you everyone fir your responses but I really don’t have anyone else to do handovers believe me I’ve tried I’m on my own

OP posts:
fizzycat567 · 04/05/2023 20:33

Also when we used to do handovers at centre my exs dad would sit outside with his headlights on and stare at me as I went in and out and made me feel really intimidated he did this every single time so wasn’t great doing it that way either

OP posts:
Beetlewings · 05/05/2023 07:07

Oh love I would do it for you! Please ask around! Speaking as someone who was in that position years ago, It's really not worth the mental anguish you're giving yourself. Is there really not even someone who could accompany you?

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