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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is SHE being unreasonable?

23 replies

craftybeee · 04/05/2023 16:17

Ok - I don't want nastiness or horrible comments. Genuine advice is needed here...

I have a friend who's son has recently started staying overnight again at his dads after nearly a year. The overnight stays were stopped due to irresponsible behaviour on the fathers part.

She's expressed concern that when she dropped him off, the place was filthy, & no food shopping had been done. She tried to get her son to come home with her but it all kicked off, son crying as wanted to stay with dad etc. She then had to drive them to the shop and back.

She basically said he isn't staying again unless the place is clean & there's plenty of food/snacks. Second time she goes to pick her son up, it's still filthy. So the father hasn't taken advice on board.

Anyway, she doesn't want to let him stay again, you'd think after almost a year of not being allowed to have your child overnight you would get your act together? Poor kid can't even play on the floor it's covered in dog hair & general dirt.

Question here, is she being unreasonable? She is VERY OCD & I know on a number of occasions she's gone there and actually hoovered so their son can get toys out on the floor & cleaned the bathroom so they could use it...she told me he had said mummy can you clean the sink so I can use it one time they were there (she accompanied visits there so he could still see his dad)

The child is only 6 so too young to understand. I've said just say an absolute no he can't stay over, but problem is son wants to see his dad and vice versa.

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 16:22

Why is the 'she' in the heading in capitals?

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 16:22

Well I think the answer depends largely on how reliable her description is. Is it genuinely filthy, or is she exaggerating.

SeasonFinale · 04/05/2023 16:24

If she has genuine OCD then her perception of filthy may not be the usual perception of filthy by others' standards. The Dad would need to eat at some point and no doubt would have fed his child, or the child would have reminded Dad he was hungry.

So I suspect you she may well be being unreasonable

Eggseggseverywhere · 04/05/2023 16:24

Ime dc don't notice mess and ddog hair.. Your friend is being unreasonable to have a 6 to worried about such things. Send him with a packed lunch and some snacks and let the poor dc enjoy time with his df..

Chickenkeev · 04/05/2023 16:25

Sounds like she's BU tbh. Give the (possibly useless) father a chance first.

Fireandflames666 · 04/05/2023 16:28

Definitely nbu, a year is plenty of time to get it together and keep a place clean and well stocked for his son. There's literally no excuse.

Theunamedcat · 04/05/2023 16:29

He has had a year to get the place up to acceptable and hasn't bothered?

Lazy bastard either he enjoys winding her up because he knows she has ocd or he is just filthy and lazy neither are ideal for a child to be around

brunettemic · 04/05/2023 16:32

As others have said, without you seeing it and knowing how dirty it really is you can’t tell. If she is really that OCD it may not be that bad. Obviously it could also be a pigsty and I also think it’s not unreasonable to expect the dad to want a nice environment for his son, even if standards between the two of them differ.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 04/05/2023 16:36

I think unless it is genuinely uninhabitable and the wee boy is intolerably hungry when he comes home let him stay with his dad. He is saying he wants to go. It might all come undone but at least her son will be able to come to his own conclusion. There are plenty of dads who don’t want anything to do with their kids.

Original poster
craftybeee · 04/05/2023 16:41

She's definitely a clean freak, but she wouldn't hoover someone else's house for fun...I also don't think she would lie about him asking her to clean the sink so he could clean his teeth :/ that was what got me thinking it must be bad if a child can see it, and kids don't usually care about mess and dirt..

OP posts:
TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 04/05/2023 17:06

craftybeee · 04/05/2023 16:41

She's definitely a clean freak, but she wouldn't hoover someone else's house for fun...I also don't think she would lie about him asking her to clean the sink so he could clean his teeth :/ that was what got me thinking it must be bad if a child can see it, and kids don't usually care about mess and dirt..

I have ocd and I'm not a clean freak, that's not what ocd is.

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 17:06

craftybeee · 04/05/2023 16:41

She's definitely a clean freak, but she wouldn't hoover someone else's house for fun...I also don't think she would lie about him asking her to clean the sink so he could clean his teeth :/ that was what got me thinking it must be bad if a child can see it, and kids don't usually care about mess and dirt..

The child would be more likely to notice it if their mum had raised them to notice it, though.

EvenMoney · 04/05/2023 17:11

craftybeee · 04/05/2023 16:41

She's definitely a clean freak, but she wouldn't hoover someone else's house for fun...I also don't think she would lie about him asking her to clean the sink so he could clean his teeth :/ that was what got me thinking it must be bad if a child can see it, and kids don't usually care about mess and dirt..

Depending on the severity of her ocd she may also be passing this onto her son, which in turn would make him notice more.

Personally without seeing for yourself it's best to stay out of it. It could well be filthy and he is very lazy or it could just be normal and she is over reacting. The only suggestion maybe would be that he could get a cleaner in for the day the DS is dropped off so at least it starts clean for the day/night/weekend.

Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 17:12

If she is worried she needs to contact SS, but children pick up the OCD from their parents so not necessarily to be believed.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 04/05/2023 17:23

If you haven’t seen it and we haven’t seen it then it impossible to answer this.

if she want’s everything to be immaculate and pristine then she is being unreasonable. If it is a fetid tip then he is being unreasonable. Is she looking for reasons to not allow the father access or is the father a lazy slob.

i am not sure how strangers are supposed to answer this. Dog hair on carpets in a house where a dog lives is normally seen as acceptable, a flea infestation not. Without pictures or an objective view point it is difficult- particularly when you admit your friend’s standards are quite exacting

Lovingitallnow · 04/05/2023 17:25

Is she a clean freak or does she suffer from OCD?

Squirrelblanket · 04/05/2023 17:30

OCD is a serious mental health condition. She should probably seek help for that first as it sounds like it's impacting on her son.

melj1213 · 04/05/2023 17:43

YABU

If your friend has OCD and cleanliness is one of her compulsive behaviour triggers then of course her son is going to notice that daddy's house isn't "clean" like mummy's is, because he's going to be used to the house being spotless and his mum being obsessed with keeping it that way.

That doesn't mean daddy's "dirty" house an absolute hovel filled with junk and inch deep in mould, it could be but it also could be normal everyday mess with crumbs on the kitchen counter, washing up waiting to be done and hard water marks on the sink ...

Without actually seeing it you can't know which it is as your friend is hardly objective, especially if there is issues with the custody arrangements. If the house was genuinely uninhabitable then I would totally agree with her refusing to leave her child there overnight but if it's just different standards then she can't withhold contact on that basis.

Original poster
craftybeee · 04/05/2023 17:52

I used the term OCD incorrectly, for that I apologise.

OP posts:
Namechange224422 · 04/05/2023 18:03

If this was my friend and I knew the child well then I would offer to do the next drop off.

That way she has an independent adult who doesn’t have ocd who has checked out the state of the house. And if it isn’t suitable for the lad to stay then it’s not his mum being the baddy and taking him home.

id also suggest that there is a middle ground between not seeing dad and leaving dc in a filthy house. Could they meet at soft play/swimming/park etc instead?

Lovingitallnow · 04/05/2023 18:28

If she doesn't have OCD then she's probably not being unreasonable. Hygiene standards obviously will vary but I feel we should all aspire to beat a 6 year olds expectations.

Hotfootgoose · 04/05/2023 21:26

Dad can still see his child outside, the visits don’t have to be overnight. I wouldn’t like my kids going to a filthy home

LetDownDog · 04/05/2023 21:29

She's being unreasonable.

It's his father. Love and time together is more important than whether a house is clean...

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