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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your Guest Etiquette advice

18 replies

SaltedButty · 04/05/2023 12:40

When invited to stay with family (you don't often see) for 2 nights, what is expected of me?

Do I buy food, flowers? Do I make sure I am up early, but not too early?!

Having seen many threads about CF guests, I want to make sure I am not one.

I have never stayed with this family member before. I have a 3 year old DD, they also have children. My DP will also be there (its his brother and family)

They are a very nais family so am a bit nervous..

OP posts:

redskylight · 04/05/2023 12:43

I'd ask your DP.
I think families have different expectations. My family members would think it weird if I took a gift, for example, but I'm sure plenty of MNetters will tell you it's rude to turn up empty handed.

Arginalia · 04/05/2023 12:43

Take a gift of the food/flowers/wine type, whichever they are most likely to enjoy.

Ask what time they normally get up, or if anything is planned, when you need to get up and set your alarm accordingly. If you get up earlier than they do, just amuse yourself quietly until they appear.

takealettermsjones · 04/05/2023 12:44

I think the fact that you're worried about being a CF guest means that you're probably not one. I'd turn up with flowers and wine, make sure you're up by about 9, make sure you're closely supervising your daughter and they don't have to do any running around for her, and pay for yourselves if you're in a restaurant. If they're cooking then maybe ask what you can do/if there's anything they need that you can contribute, but I think it's a bit different when eating in. Just play it by ear, you'll be fine!

W0tnow · 04/05/2023 12:45

A bottle of wine. Shout takeaway one night. Bring groceries. Sure, flowers are nice. No need to do all 4 though.

Chip in with housework, strip beds when you go. Job done.

mumonthehill · 04/05/2023 12:45

Definitely take flowers, a bottle of wine if they drink and something fun for the kids. Depending on age a new ball, bubbles. A box of chocolates is always nice.

Throwawaytheusername · 04/05/2023 12:47

I always go with flowers (something safe like naice roses - avoid lilies as the pollen can stain, can smell strong and are toxic to pets if they have them) plus some treats for the adults and kids as a starting point and then gauge things from there.
Don’t hog the bathrooms if you are sharing. Be mindful of using up all the hot water.
Be helpful, but read the room.

Kitkatcatflap · 04/05/2023 12:52

Ask if there is anything you can bring. Definitely turn up with a house gift, wine chocolates or flowers (if they don't have cats).

If you require special millk/gluten free/vegan etc products bring your own or at least give the hosts notice.

Take a token item for the kids, sweets or a comic or colouring book. Tiger is good for this type of thing. Inflatable giant footballs, paint bombs, giant chalks etc

Offer to help with cooking, washing up etc. I never accept help but I appreciate the offer. Do offer to make tea/coffee watch the kids or take the dog for a walk.

Be appreciative of food/hosting and be relaxed, amusing and fun.

takealettermsjones · 04/05/2023 12:54

I never accept help but I appreciate the offer.

This is a really good point - I'm like this too. I would expect someone to offer. People who stay regularly and know full well I won't say yes don't offer any more, which I'm fine with. But I'd be annoyed if someone stayed for the first time and didn't offer at all. I realise that may be a bit backwards 😆

doris9034 · 04/05/2023 12:58

Take a token item for the kids, sweets or a comic or colouring book. Tiger is good for this type of thing. Inflatable giant footballs, paint bombs, giant chalks etc

Not sure giant inflatable footballs and paint bombs would go down well tbh 😂

Delatron · 04/05/2023 13:00

Yes take a gift - somethings extra for the kids is a nice idea. Offer to help clear the table/load the dishes. I’d say no but it’s nice to offer.

Things also to consider - be aware of any clues/hints they are giving you about bedtime. Don’t get up early and make a noise, do not let your kids get up early and make a noise!. Read the room is a good tip.

Don’t overstay your welcome.

gannett · 04/05/2023 13:01

If it's your DP's family ask him what their expectations are and let him take the lead in terms of etiquette.

I'd always take a bottle of wine or box of chocolates if it was up to me but when we stay with some of DP's old friends he says it's not expected, and we've been invited back multiple times so I guess it's OK.

Don't stress about getting up but keep an ear out. I always wake up before everyone else so I just get my day started quietly, and when others emerge I offer to make coffee. If you wake up and hear other people are up and about I wouldn't lie in bed too long, but presumably you'll have some idea of what you're doing in the day and when.

If we're staying multiple nights DP will always offer to cook one meal.

If I'm hosting I honestly never notice whether guests offer to help clean/tidy and I'd rather they didn't anyway (beyond the basics of bringing dishes into the kitchen and leaving them on the side).

Sceptre86 · 04/05/2023 13:02

I'd take a gift definitely and depending on how long you are staying either cook one night order and pay for a takeaway or take them out as a treat one night. As for everything else ask your partner.

gannett · 04/05/2023 13:02

(Also, when I host I mostly want my guests to be relaxed, fun company - I consider it my job to put them at ease and give them a good time. If they do something or don't do something that isn't how I would do it, it doesn't matter, and I don't consider it a breach of etiquette!)

Original poster

SaltedButty · 04/05/2023 13:05

It is the bed time that's worrying me slightly. I am quite socially awkward! Is it rude to slope off to bed about 10pm?! I am far from a night owl. Last time I saw them, they were down to visit my sick Mother. They bought our family our meal that evening, they insisted. Mainly because I had done and had spent a lot on DP's mother, getting her house sorted etc. My DP doesn't see his DB much, however they are on a family whatsapp group. His DB has just been through cancer so whilst they have offered to put us up for 4 nights, we have stated we will stay for 2 as don't want to put them out.

I will definitely get some flowers! And stuff for the children

OP posts:

Delatron · 04/05/2023 13:13

I think it’s fine to go to bed early - much preferable than staying up late and making the hosts stay up.

I personally don’t like it if a hear a guest get up and go downstairs as it makes me feel like I have to get up early too and make them breakfast- but that might just be me.

Very good call on the 2 nights. Especially if your BIL has been ill.

Lcb123 · 04/05/2023 13:20

I wouldn’t take random groceries but maybe ask in advance if you can bring something specific. Take flowers/chocs/wine (not all 3). Offer to pay for a takeaway, or if you go out, at least pay your share. If you both have kids then I assume won’t long lie ins but do ask about plans for the next day

2Rebecca · 04/05/2023 13:25

I take a gift along the flowers chocolate line or alcohol if they drink and tend to go to bed, rise and eat at a similar time to my hosts. Guests who won't go to bed and the are either up at the crack of dawn waking everyone or who sleep in half the morning messing up plans are a nuisance.

midsomermurderess · 04/05/2023 13:27

I’d stay at a nearby hotel or b and d and arrange meet ups. It’s quite stressful having people stay at the best of times and it sounds as if you and these relatives are not very close.

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