AIBU to ask how easy it is to make friends as a new mum?

[firstbabyincoming]

Because I'm having a bit of a wobble.

DH and I are currently living abroad in a European country for his work and first baby is due in weeks! Ideally, we would have returned to the UK prior to the birth but it just hasn't worked out this way and we will be returning when baby is around 9 months. The exact location is not yet confirmed with his work but it will either be London or a southern city 1 hour train from London.

I'm starting to feel really worried about isolation on return, particularly as I do not have a job to return to. When we left for abroad, we had a lot of friends both in London and in the other city (our university city) and I was excited to come back and slot back into our old social life. However, as luck would have it, nearly all have moved away in the last 6 months and they are now scattered all over the country, most in 'day trip' distance rather than 'evening out' distance. My two closest friends are now both hours away.

I'm trying to be really positive about 'starting over' and making new friends, particularly as none of our current friends are even thinking about babies so I imagine those friendships may start to drift anyway (some already have) but I'm so worried it won't work out as I won't have done NCT and I keep reading that this is where people make their close friends? Both DH and I are really social and do put effort into friendships but I'm suddenly imagining a future of sitting at home with the baby waiting for my old friends and family to get in touch and watching other people having fun on instagram (pregnancy has made me a tad more prone to over-thinking ).

So AIBU to ask if it is difficult to make new mum friends (particularly without NCT and with a slightly older baby) and, if possible, to hear lots of stories of all the wonderful friends you made a fresh with young DCs?

I made a few friends at the preschool gates, and then at the school gates, in fact some really good ones but I think it's a mixture of luck and putting yourself out there, eg maybe going to groups, library kids meet ups etc but also remember that people with kids are generally busy and mightn't always be themselves because of different things going on. You sound lovely and everything crossed for you and congratulations on all the madness x

Try Peanut. Lots of groups for mums to be or new mums in all areas of UK. You could actually join now and strike up some online friendships as your pregnancy progresses, which will hopefully develop into real life relationships when you move back to UK.
Good luck with the birth and your move

Pretty hard if I’m honest. Most people already have their friends at this age. I’ve managed to meet a few mums I have the occasional play date with ( wouldn’t call them friends though) but that was after going to and volunteering to help at every play group in the local area.

Hmm, mixed responses! My parents' closest friends are school gate friends 20+ years on but then they do live in a small village that had a big influx of newcomers looking for friends around the time they were having their babies ...

@Dontbelieveaword I have heard good things about Peanut, thanks for reminding me. I'm not sure I could use it yet though as I don't know which part of the UK exactly I'll be returning to!

@stayathomer thank you for your congratulations and reassuring words! x

I found it ok, but it did involve a lot of putting myself out there and making conversation first, often about really boring stuff when you don’t know each other at all. And some of these friends were women I liked enough to spend a few hours with but not to be best friends for life.

There are many opportunities to make friends with a baby if you want to make the most of them. Will you be returning to work or are you planning on being a SAHM? Your main issue will be that when you return with a 9 month old that will be when others start returning to work, and there aren’t high rates of sahms in London.
That said plenty of mums I know have a day off in the week and take their toddler to classes so there’s still things you can do.

The main thing is you just need to put yourself out there, you can’t just wait for friendships to fall into your lap.

If you make friends easily, having a child won't matter, if anything even easier as you have an instant connection in common. Well meeting people is easy, forming friendships is harder as you need to connect with the person, but that's like anything. It was after having DC I thought I should have dated as I found it so easy to "pick up" people 😁

Sometimes people are very lonely and desperate for a friend and you could get lucky. I remember exchanging numbers with people that in different circumstances I wouldn't have dreamed of. I saw something on Instagram that talks about types of mum friends and they fall into 3 general catagories

• proximity
• same age as your child
• someone who you'd actually gel with

You'll generally become friends for one of these reasons, if you have overlap even better. Some people won't need friends but some people will be in the same boat so if you want friends, best to put yourself out there. I found I'd end up talking to moms in playgrounds or breastfeeding rooms or swimming or whatever and that would satisfy my social quota. But it's about putting yourself out there and at some point it will click.

I made friends at toddler playgroups (as well as NCT which i recognise is not appropriate for you). As someone suggested earlier also try Peanut

This is a tricky one, the only thing I can suggest is going to baby groups on your return. Although I do feel that both parties need to be willing to put in the effort for a friendship to form. I’ve tried it all, multiple groups, baby apps etc I’m really outgoing and friendly and have met lots of people, however that’s dwindled down to one person who puts in an effort as everyone else has multiple kids and schedules to juggle. All you can do is put yourself out there and hold you meet somebody likeminded.

It's worth looking up the mum club on Instagram, which is a social club for mums and is brill - might depend on where you are in London though.

It really depends - on you, your circumstances, your child and the area you're moving into. I wouldn't say that it's NCT or bust though - I barely saw my NCT group after the course but made friends at a library rhyme time session I used to go to (first child) and at a postnatal mums' group (second). And in the park. And at the nursery gates. It all shakes out tbh. Also fine to leave the child socialising to nursery and focus on making adult friends via clubs or whatever.

I found it very difficult as baby groups are just polite conversation. I did not know anyone else with babies and lived in a new country and everyone else seemed to have had babies at the same time as their friends. It was really once they started preschool that meaningful friendships with other mums happened for me

It still takes effort, like making friends always does. I think finding friends is a numbers game - you meet lots of people until you find some who are in the right place at the right time who you gel with. Having a baby is a good way to get out to groups etc to meet those people!

Dont be afraid of putting yourself out there. I’ve seen a few people post on local Facebook groups recently - basically saying they’re a new mum and desperate for new friends, and they get a really positive response.

I found it easy to make friends with a baby. I did have a good NCT group, but then we moved house when DC1 was 18mo and I had to start again. I met people at baby groups, local activities, and then at the school gate once DC1 started pre school. I remember the first time I asked someone at a baby group for her mobile phone number so that we could meet up outside the group, it was scarier than asking a man out on a date!! I think you'll be fine OP.

Having babies and young children is a great starting point for meeting people. You do have to put yourself out there a bit though, suggesting coffee after playgroup, inviting someone over for a play date etc. Not everyone will become a firm friend, but it's still nice to pass an afternoon at the park with them. I met a range of people, some I had one coffee with and never saw again, some were friends until our kids grew apart and a few are still good friends even though our children have long since moved on.

This made me laugh Ducks - I hope it worked out for you!

I'm really grateful for all the advice. Sounds like I need to put myself out as much as possible and try lots of different groups. I think I probably need to prioritise getting back into work as well. I'm not necessarily looking for new best friends for life (in fact, a lot of my friendships are very old and can be a little too close so some more casual acquaintances might be nice!) and I do have a wonderful DH and will have some supportive family nearby so it's not quite as bad as I was thinking this morning..

I'm in north east London and I'd say very easy. I've made brilliant friends with my son's friends' mums - he's now in year 5. I also still have friends from his nursery. It's so easy to strike up a conversation when you have something in common so immediately obvious. Not everyone will be your people, but there's enough different people round, especially in London, that some will be.

As long as they're still at baby/ toddler group age you should be ok, but you'll have to really put yourself out there and go to lots of groups, infiltrate conversations, invite mums for coffee, volunteer to help with fundraising activities or running the crafts session or whatever.
Did this twice and made lots of friends that way. The older the kids get the harder it is. Have just moved again and both are towards the end of primary school and still trying to get to know mums. V tricky.

This is good to hear Polly - one of my concerns if we do end up in London is just that it's massive and I'll never find my 'tribe' (or if I do, they'll all be too busy elsewhere!). I'm very much a village girl at heart and grew up in walking distance of all my friends and every family attended the same activities and events as there wasn't much else to do. London seems quite intimidating! And even more so after watching Motherland.

I think it can be a bit tricky and you do have to put the effort in. We moved abroad in our twenties and only came back to the UK once we had DCs. I wont lie, it has been hard. In the intervening years all my friends left London and obviously I wasnt around to make any new ones unlike other people who've lived here all through their 20s and 30s and have their social lives already sorted.

Since moving back, I have made a few nice mum friends though am never quite sure whether we truly have enough in common. I do work and whilst my colleagues are great, they do live miles away from us due to distances and house prices. I just keep telling myself to keep on making the effort. It's also hard because we now live in a 'naice' area due to schools/safety but am not sure that I fit in - so mainly doing it for DC.

I think you'll be fine. Tbh 9-12m is the time a lot of people go back to work and stop meeting up with their NCT group so regularly, so you may find that even people who did have close friends when their babies were little are ready to widen their social networks - especially if they are SAHPs or working just a couple of days a week. I found that going to regular local groups helped a lot, and that playgroup-type groups were more social than structured activities. I've met a couple of close friends and lots of friends who I don't meet up with 1:1 but I see several times a week (on the toddler activity circuit 😁) and can have a good chat with.

This sounds pretty similar to what our situation is / will be. I didn't really anticipate how much everyone would move on with their lives whilst we were away and like you, we haven't been around to make new friends. I'm also worried about choosing a 'naice' area and finding that I don't fit in!

Good luck op. I had the time of my life! Antenatal friends helped but I've met so many mums since having my baby 10 years ago, most of them in those early years. Honestly the most fantastic women and I've never been someone with a big group of female friends. I met a couple of people on an app but otherwise just from being out and about, especially playgroups. The church hall cheap ones I found best. I think more structured ones are for more introverted people perhaps. They all had different vibes so plenty where I spoke to no-one and never went back but plenty where another tired mum would start a chat and then we'd go to the park, houses, birthday parties and the pub.