AIBU to feel conflicted about separate bedroom?

[MyTruthIsOut]

After about a year of me and DH taking it in turns to sleep on the sofa, last week we bought a new bed and changed our spare room into another bedroom because we are such incompatible sleepers!

He really snores…..so I either couldn’t fall asleep at all, or if I fell asleep first he would wake me up with his snoring as soon as he fell asleep.

He’s such a fidgeter too, and every time he rolled over in the bed it would wake me up.

He also sleep walks and sleep talks on some occasions and that would always wake me up too.

He always got up for a wee during the night which would wake me and then it would take me up to an hour to fall asleep again whilst he snored next to me.

He gets up really early in the morning too for work or the gym and this meant he would wake me up too which would be awful after a crappy night’s sleep.

Things were like that for as long as I can remember but over the last few years it intensified to the point where I had to say that I just couldn’t sleep (or try to sleep) next to him any longer and for the last 12 months we’ve slept apart for about 75% of the time.

He has always been more put out about it than I have been, but it was easy for him to feel like that when he wasn’t the one being kept awake all night.

So after a year of sofa hopping the new bed came last week and so it is now official that we don’t share a bedroom anymore and I feel a bit strange about it.

I know it’s what we needed to do but now it just seems very real and final. It has been nice being able to go to bed without worrying about him sleeping on the sofa but I don’t want this separation to affect our marriage.

Are there any other couples out there who are happily not bed-sharing but still have a strong relationship?

We haven’t shared a bed for years for many of the same reasons. I’m a night owl, he isn’t, I get really hot at night and only want a 4 tog duvet. He likes a heavy duvet and gets cold. I snore. It works for us.

Only downside is he sleeps in “our” bed which is way more comfortable than the spare bed. I’m not sure what you mean by “affect our marriage” or “have a strong relationship”. Nothing is different except we don’t sleep in the same bed.

I would give my eye teeth for my own bedroom!

I’ve seen many similar threads before. We had separate beds because his snoring was horrendous, he didn’t sleep well (allegedly, if I ever stirred in the night he was snoring!). We both slept better but our sex life that was already dwindling died completely. We split in the end, not because of the separate beds but it didn’t help.

We have slept separately for about 5 years now, for much the same reasons as you.

It's been great for us, I'm not grumpy with him because he's kept waking me up all night and it hasn't affected our sex life. We've always preferred sex in the daytime anyway

lots of my friends don't share a bed anymore - mostly for the reasons you gave. They are pretty happy.

I miss having separate bedrooms soooo much! I used to sleep so well, no we have children and had to give his bedroom up.
Snoring, elbows, breathing on my face, waking up early ugh

We haven't shared for 7yrs and our marriage is better for it, much less resentment about sleep or rather lack of and quality.
We have cuddles before bed in his or mine, quite often we fall asleep but wake up and then move back to our rooms.
I wouldn't be able to share again And I think a lot of people do it but don't announce it and more would probably choose to if they had the chance.

Start off in the same bed and when he disturbs you switch to the spare bed.

We're go on holiday every year with two other couples. All sleep in separate rooms. All happily married. Our marriage is much better now I am not permanently exhausted and run down from lack of sleep.

seperate beds here.

husband snores to the point that earplugs are useless. I’m a very light sleeper and can’t fall back asleep if woken.

its always the snoring husband who gets miffed when the wife finally starts sleeping elsewhere. My view is - just do whatever gets you the most sleep!

10 years of separate bedrooms here, if it was good enough for the Queen it is good enough for me.

It’s completely normal for us, our last 3 house purchases have had 2 Master bedrooms as a requirement.

I am the snorer and husband has recently moved to the spare room. I now have a superkingsize to myself and we will start or end day with cuddles as required. All good but does feel a bit weird.

Thanks everyone for your reassurance.

In terms of my previous comments about still having a strong relationship and being happy despite separate bedrooms, I suppose I said that as there’s always been a way of thinking that separate bedrooms is the first step to separate lives.

The positive thing is that now I officially have my own room, I can decorate it as I see fit and make it much more cosy and to my taste! And I imagine it will always be tidy too……no more picking up DH’s clothes off the floor. Bliss!

We sleep in separate rooms now although ostensibly it is still 'our room' as dh has all his clothes in here. Our marriage was pretty bad anyway, and this hasn't helped or made it worse but at least I get to sleep. He's miffed and thinks it's my issue. I have asked dh to try and explore options of improving the snoring. We could afford a sleep clinic but he doesn't want to so this is my way of being able to sleep. It causes issues with holidays as only one DC is willing to sleep with him and then I share with DD and Ds1 goes on his own. The sleeping arrangements are pretty odd and also mean it's impossible to do something like go away for our 20th anniversary because I just expect not to be able to sleep, or stay over in a b n b if we go to a concert as we'd need 2 rooms, which gets expensive. I am not sure why he won't get help for the snoring. He says that there's no guarantee anything would work but I think it's worth a try.

We have slept separately for 15 years now. Bliss!

The master bedroom is still very much 'our' room and most of our stuff is in there, but dh sleeps in the box room which is done up nicely.

Start off in the same bed and when he disturbs you switch to the spare bed.

That just means still getting disturbed, getting up, going to a cold bed, having to get back to sleep.

This past winter we finally gave in and now I sleep in the spare room more often than not. He’s a snorer, especially when he has a cold which he did most of last year or if he’s had even a single drink, I snore a bit, we work different days and odd shifts. I’m early to bed, He’s a night owl. Etc etc. This way is much better for sleep, although we do sleep together once a week or so for togetherness. I do feel a bit conflicted about it, we’ve definitely lost a bit of closeness, but sex has always been more of a daytime/evening thing for us. Most of my friends of our age (empty nests) now sleep separately.

We sleep separately if either of us is out late or has to be up the next day- so generally together for weekends and holidays. He sleeps in the master bedroom, keeps his clothes in there and uses the ensuite. I have one spare bedroom to sleep in, another as my dressing room, and the main bathroom. I think I’ve got the better deal! But it works really well for us, our body clocks and sleep needs are completely different, and this way we both get what we need. I wouldn’t want to do it all the time though, that would feel as though we were losing something important.

Much happier sleeping separately

Haven't shared a bed with my oh for years! It was the best thing for our relationship, he snores(been referred by doctor as its so bad) and I was getting little sleep, in the morning I was angry and resentful. I wouldn't worry about it at all, you can still be intimate and cuddle on the sofa etc

Just an update as things have settled down a little and OH MY GOD! It’s soooo amazing having separate rooms.

I can’t believe how much better I am sleeping!!

I have ordered new curtains and a new bed set to match my tastes and rearranged the room to how I’ve always wanted it!

No more being woken up by DH’s snoring, his movements in bed, his bed hogging, his night time wee breaks etc.

I can now go to bed, knowing I’m going to fall asleep easily and not be woken until my alarm goes off. I reckon I’m getting a good extra two hours sleep a night!

I’m not constantly picking his clothes up off the floor either, it’s heaven. My room is tidy all the time and it’s now such a nice place to relax in. I’ve also gotten rid of the TV which is great because I hated having the TV in the bedroom…..another thing that used to big annoyance as he used to like falling asleep to the sound of the TV whereas all it ever did was keep me awake!

So now we just chill out in the evenings once the kids have gone to bed, watching a film, sex, chatting etc, all the normal couple stuff, and then when it’s time to sleep we just head off to our separate rooms. Perfect!

Even my husband will now admit what a great idea it was 😂

We have lived together for three years and married for 1.5. We have had seperate rooms from day dot. DH is a snorer and a fidgeter, he also runs hot and likes to sleep with window open and fan on even in the middle of January.

Usually he comes to bed with me and cuddles me then goes off to his bed as I'm drifting off. Sometimes he falls asleep but wakes up too hot, and moves rooms, but never disturbs me. He hops in occasionally in the morning for extra cuddles.

Both of us lived with our parents before buying a house together so I think we have just got used to having our own space and sleeping on our terms and see no reason to change that! It has no impact on our sex life and we are still very much in love.