To want to tell my DS what a dickhead his father is?

[Toasterjuggler]

I’d do it in a age appropriate way, of course.

My exH is abusive and controlling. ( reason for breaking up). Sadly the only way he can have any control over me now is through our DS. He recently turned 10, so still young. But I’m beginning to see him getting older and don’t want him to have his mind poisoned by his ‘D’F.

ExH does everything to make Co-parenting fraught and stressful. Refuses to communicate, and actively tries to disrupt holidays / days out by turning up late etc. He refuses to take DS to his clubs if he is with him because he thinks it annoys me. ( It does but only because our son is missing out!)

There’s lots more, but it’s outing, so will just say that he does everything possible to try to make my life difficult. He is incredibly hostile and unpleasant to me. He tells my DS versions of events that are twisted to make me seem like the bad person. He has also turned his whole family and the few friends he has against me ( no loss to me, but gives a flavour of his intentions).

I have no doubt that he’s trying to poison my son against me. Despite this, my son adores him and tries so hard to please him. I see my son’s disappointment when his father refuses to take him to friends parties / clubs he enjoys, but he pretends that he doesn’t mind to please his dad.

I’ve tried to get my DS to stand up for himself, but he just asks me to tell his dad to take him. But of course, he’ll do the opposite of what I ask so it’s pointless.

My ExH isn’t academic, but DS is- he’s now trying to stop him doing homework or study outside school - even though teachers think he should go for 11+

WIBU for trying to get my son to see what a prick he is before he ruins his life? And if I do, how do I broach this with my son?

I feel so helpless, if my DS won’t stand up for himself. I also worry about the long term impact to my relationship with my son.

I wouldn't tell your son what you think of your Ex, certainly not now.

But i would quietly explain with your son the advantages of studying etc, and support him to the 11+ Don't make a big deal of 11+ with your ex, perhaps don't mention it at all.

I am sure your son will see who is supporting him and work with you on this if you keep calm and level-headed

No. You may think he is young but he's not. Her already knows and can see. That's why he tries hard. He's a smart boy. Keep it in and carry on doing the best you've been doing. When he's older he will appreciate how you've been.

I'll tell you why. My dad was always saying things to me about mum. My mum never ever said a bad thing about dad. As a now adult whose parenting do you think I admire most?

Thanks @PollyPut. I think I need to stay calm, but I’ve head years of this, and it’s so frustrating. He is just so bitter and nasty.

Should also clarify that I don’t think DS would ruin his life by not doing the 11+…more that his dad will not encourage him to do what’s best for him, and he’ll waste his life away trying to please that p of a father!

If he's capable then encourage him to try. He'll need to practice in advance, you can work on that over the next few months. some schools require applications in summer term of year 5 so make sure you don't miss the boat

I hope this is the case.

But I also feel guilty that my frustration at my Ex is really obvious to my son.

I try not to react to my ex’s bullshit, but I get so angry at how he uses my son as a pawn. I also get frustrated at my son for not standing up to him.

I suppose I don’t want my son to think his father’s behaviour is acceptable. I want him to know that it isn’t normal.

If you did that you would have to explain why you chose him to have a child with, so no I wouldn't I am sure he can work everything out himself

Just stick to encouraging him to do what you think is right

I'd actually go against what most people are saying on here and agree you do need to tell your son.

Your son is being damaged emotionally by his dad. Your son is far too young to be able to stand up to his dad.

Do you have 50..50 between you, is this the reason he can't attend all his clubs?

Now, how you're going to tell you son that his dad is punishing him to get to you , I don't know.

@itsmylife7 its 50:50 when he feels like it. So means he doesn’t always get to clubs he wants.

I think I maybe need to talk more generally about boundaries and assertiveness.

sadly, think DS will just have to find out the hard way.

Your DS is only just 10. He is too young to be standing up to his dad, by quite some way.

You need to differentiate between what is factually and provably wrong
"Well your Dad, might think the sky is green but if we look at this colour chart we can see it is blue", and what is opinion, "well we all have a different perspective in life, and that's OK. People don't always experience things the same way". Also what is differentchoices representing different value systems " Well I might not agree with that but while you live with Dad you need to follow his rules."

You must also apply this to yourself all the time. Acknowledge when something is your opinion, Acknowledge the validity of your child having an opinion, even if you then explain why you disagree with it. Never present opinion as fact. If you get something wrong model acknowledging it.

Re the 11+ " yes well I appreciate your Dad may think differently from me on this, everyone has their own perspective; but personally I think (list advantages in your eyes of eleven +)

In none of these cases should you comment on Dad's behaviour directly, you dont slag him off. Of course what you are actually doing is teaching critical thinking, and how to develop and hold your own independent viewpoint. All important skills for when the time comes for him to make that challenge

Don’t run him down. Be the bigger person and carry on parenting by leading by example and not letting ex’s dickish behaviour get in the way of your relationship with your DS. He will work things out eventually but you run the risk of causing more harm than good by making your DS caught between you both which you will if you run him down.
Mine missed parties and play dates and weren’t supported academically. Ex was so bitter, seeing the kids miss out and failing would be like a win to him as he’d turn it around to be my fault.
Kids aren’t daft and figure it out in the end.

Re the clubs, " I feel strongly this club is good for you because..... I appreciate your Dad may feel differently about this. It can be hard living with different rules at different places cant it?"

@Icedlatteplease @Nodsmileandbiteyourtongue thanks for these suggestions. Will try them out.

sorry you’ve also had to deal with this @Nodsmileandbiteyourtongue

It is exhausting parenting with someone like this but please don't comment on father's behavior. I doubled down my efforts regarding supporting study, even collected ( and returned) children so dad didnt have anymore excuses why they couldn't attend clubs in his time.
They are all young adults now and well aware of Dad's manipulation and general D headednes, they choose to have sportic contact. All the same they all love him and I'm happy I supported their relationship it's wasn't mine to dictate.

You can want to, that's completely reasonable. But you can't actually do it. He's too young and it's not his burden to bear. This is one of the shittiest parts of parenting when the other parent is an absolute cunt. You have to keep it internalised because its no more your sons fault than it is yours. He will see first hand and it's a bloody awful lesson to learn the hard way. Keeping it in while he's still young is what you have to do. I've been doing this for 11 years. He will take on in his own way so much guilt and second guessing from being let down and head fucked, it's your job to build him up strong enough to face the truth when it does hit him. And it will. He will see that it wasn’t his fault and it wasn't yours either. OP I know how fucking hard it is taking the brunt for so long. Parenting is hard enough without this sheer amount of clusterfuck bollocks added to it.

Thanks @SKIPWAY and @NotMeSecretFormular

I’m going to tough it out. thanks for your advice.

It really helps to know that this is a common tactic of D*heads. While I wish, there weren’t any dads like this, at least it isn’t my imagination!