At what age do people start pretending to be nice ?

[Molliem8mouse100]

Sounds a silly question, but stay with me.

I'm 30, and remember at secondary school the bullies were generally popular. Mocking, being verbally abusive and bullying vulnerable, disabled, lonely , isolated kids was generally laughed at and seen as positive and funny by their peers.

When I went to uni , I was allocated a place in halls with some "mean girl" queen bees, who would openly discuss how they would leave out/ ostracize / mock those they felt were beneath them, ( examples included hiding the entirety of one flatmates pots and pans as she cried in her room as they said they couldn't live with her next year. deliberately laughing at "dancing/ pushing," a geeky girl out of the circle dancing in clubs , "embarrassing to be seen next to her ," and laughing and supporting an older student who had taken a geeky younger students virginity to send her very nasty texts mocking the sexual encounter etc).

I was in a bit of a unique position as I was slightly older than the uni students involved, ( I'd started uni later due to physical ill health), so when I asked them why they did this , they laughed and said that's what everyone is like at 18-21.

Now I've got older, I've noticed such blatantly nasty behaviour wouldn't really fly in environments of over 25's, ( e.g most of the mum's groups / playgroups I've been to have been very welcoming).
Certainly mocking / laughing and behaving in such a nasty way wouldn't be celebrated.

So is there a kind of cut off where spiteful/ mean-girl behaviour is no longer cool.

Really? I don't think spite is levelled to a particular age bracket IMO.

I don't think I'm explaining it well . All ages are spiteful, but I feel it isn't soically acceptable to openly bully as you get older. You at least are expected to hide it.

I have witnessed it at playgroups and on the school playground in women up to the age of 40, I've also seen it in women heavy work places. I would say the difference is more people will call it out, report it, defend the weaker as they get older.

I know what you mean.
My friendship group have been friends since school. We were never "bullies", but would bitch a fair amount and take the piss out of each other pretty regularly. Now we wouldn't do much of either. Have to say, we do laugh a lot less! We are much kinder and properly supportive though

Hopefully they grow up and that's why it's playground behaviour and not suitable for the workplace.

I think it depends if they're the type who only act like that with peers and group of similar people. They can grow up and realise they can't find that mentality with co-workers or school run cliques.
But sometimes they do so can carry on.

I'd say that it does carry on; maybe it's slightly more covert, maybe not. If you've found your mum group to be nice people I think you'll find a lot more people who haven't had a good experience. And it still goes on in work - I'm 60 and haven't experienced it for some years and then all of a sudden - here we are again, "mean girl" types. But yeah, maybe a bit more subtle.

Sadly bullies, like cheats, definitely do prosper.

They don’t. That’s not to say everyone who is unkind or a bully as a teen can never change, but turning 22 or 30 or 47 doesn’t make somebody act nice. Generally these type of people will be like that as long as they can get away with it.

Although generally once they join the workforce they find it’s harder to get away with the same type of bullying, so they will often develop new techniques.

I have noticed it much, much more in male heavy environments

it’s called “banter”

In answer to the OP it seems to dissipate once people are working and having to support themselves . Once they are proper adults not reliant on others and realise that life isn’t a bowl of cherries and there’s a lot more important stuff than bitching about others

I've wondered this too op! Especially when bumping into someone who was horrid at school.

I don't think I was very nice at school tbh though matured a bit at uni and consider myself to be pretty decent at 42! I had some tough times which made me a lot more empathetic and kind to others, I think life teaches most people that everyone struggles sometimes and its best not to be too judgmental or bitchy as there for the grace of God etc

I definitely think you have a point I just think jr possibly gets more subtle and perhaps a lot of people as they grow and nature just get a bit less nasty?

I’m not sure that it does change, I think perhaps what changes is that we gravitate towards people we like and as we get older our social circle is pruned and includes only those we choose to associate with?
I didn’t know anyone who behaved as you describe after leaving school myself. I work in a school now where the staff behave respectfully towards each other by and large, even if there is a bit of personality clash. Hearing what some of the parents are like though I do think that sort of behaviour continues in some circles, just thankfully not mine!

Thinking about it, I think that open bitchiness only really thrives in relatively closed communities or social where there isn’t much coming and going and no escape from each other (like school, some workplaces and tight-knit communities).When there is no escape, people will side with the bully. But in situations where you can just disengage and cut bullies from your life, they learn to mask their behaviour, otherwise they would have no friends.

There’s a ‘mean girls’ group of local mums in my area. They are all SAHM or PT and hang out at the local coffee shops/wine bar. A mutual friend tells me the things they say about other mums e.g how they dress, their size etc etc and they pretend to be nice to certain mums, and laugh when the mum has left. Really nasty stuff. They all do coke too. These women are all in their early 50s!

well i was the unfortunate recipient of typical "mean girl shit" just last month!!
i'm 65 and the two dishing it out were 70+.
good thing at 65 you spot the toxic bullies much much faster.