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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your partner turned down redundancy payout without consulting you..

30 replies

FedUpFanAnn · 03/05/2023 15:04

...to take a new job on lower pay than the one he'd just been made redundant from. He panicked and accepted the first job offer he had, but it means he missed out on a payout of half his salary. Didn't ask what I thought, would not reconsider after I suggested it wasn't a good idea, and said it's more important to have a job, any job. For context, this was a long time ago but I still think about it, knowing all the things it could have paid for. Am I neurotic for holding onto the anger here, or am I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
CatsTheWayToDoIt · 03/05/2023 15:05

I’d be unhappy about this! But I wouldn’t be cross, sounds like they were under a lot of pressure. Get them to go back and say they’ve reconsidered - are they in a union who can help?

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 03/05/2023 15:37

It sounds like they were pressured and if it was a long time ago then there was probably less focus in worker's rights than there is now too

Regardless, don't hold on to that anger...

SchoolShenanigans · 03/05/2023 15:47

YANBU. He's right, depending on the industry, sometimes it is better to have any job than no job. BUT any major job and income decision that affects the family needs to be discussed. That's not to say he needs to do what you say, but that you have a voice.

What's his situation currently OP? Has he been able to find a promotion anywhere? Is he looking to go back to a better paid position?

Season0fTheWitch · 03/05/2023 15:50

YABU, he was under pressure and chose a stable and secure option. Support him, he doesn't need anger he's just been made redundant.

monotonemusings · 03/05/2023 15:51

Sorry but it's his job.

rose69 · 03/05/2023 15:52

It may be that he kept other benefits like length or device and holidays

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/05/2023 15:53

You definitely need to let go of that anger and resentment. What's done is done - by all means work on your communication as a couple, but still feeling angry about this is just going to eat you up inside.

Canthave2manycats · 03/05/2023 15:54

I'll be honest. I would be furious. He should have discussed the pros and cons with you, and probably have taken independent advice too. It impacts hugely on you!

Butchyrestingface · 03/05/2023 15:55

For context, this was a long time ago but I still think about it, knowing all the things it could have paid for.

YABU.

I hope you don't bring it up in arguments about money.

ChessieFL · 03/05/2023 15:55

It’s tricky because nobody knows if taking the payout might have been the best option or not. He might have held out for the payout but then not found another job for months leaving you worse off in the long run. At least with another job there was ongoing security of an income, albeit lower.

I agree it should have been discussed with you though.

Motnight · 03/05/2023 15:56

And what happened next, Op?

TheSnowyOwl · 03/05/2023 15:56

I wouldn’t be happy but I’d have prioritised his mental well-being. I also wouldn’t dwell on it.

talknomore · 03/05/2023 15:58

He chosen security and his mental health over a payout. Being made redundant is very stressful. I would not hold it qgains him having gone through redundancies.

VeggieSalsa · 03/05/2023 16:14

I would be furious, and it would make me question the relationship. BUT we are close to the point where he no longer needs to work and a redundancy payment would give us the comfort to improve our lives in that way. It’s not a case of us needing his regular income, even if it is reduced.

Original poster
FedUpFanAnn · 03/05/2023 16:24

I was in a similar position, made redundant and then was offered a job which was going to start too soon so I asked employer if they would wait so that I could get my payout and they did. If they hadn't waited I would have looked elsewhere as it was too much to lose. All of this I discussed with partner.

Crucial info - he hated that job and left after two months. He took another similar job and is still earning the salary he started on several years ago.

I know I should let go, but it just annoys me.

OP posts:
Elvis1956 · 03/05/2023 16:31

I can sort of see your point but I know men who took redundancy from a particular industry which had particular skill sets. This was in the early 1980s and they received the equivalent of £100k. The ones I knew in their 40/50s never really worked again and are now living in reduced circumstances having not paid more into a pension. A family member took the pay cut retired about 15 years ago and is doing ok
It's clear that the role your husband had hasn't come up again and so just think what could have happened....it's always easier to find work when you are in work

SparkyBlue · 03/05/2023 16:38

I'd be fuming but possibly it depends on when it happened like if it was during a recession with zero jobs about and if he was in a particular industry and unlikely to find something similar locally so it's not black and white. I'm biased as DH recently took redundancy and got a life changing amount plus has job offers all paying higher than his previous salary so we have been very lucky

CheersForThatEh · 03/05/2023 16:42

I think you need to let this go. Yes he could/should have talked to you but it was his decision to make and you were there as a supportive ear. Even if you think his decision is stupid. Dont let it affect you now.

CheersForThatEh · 03/05/2023 16:44

FedUpFanAnn · 03/05/2023 16:24

I was in a similar position, made redundant and then was offered a job which was going to start too soon so I asked employer if they would wait so that I could get my payout and they did. If they hadn't waited I would have looked elsewhere as it was too much to lose. All of this I discussed with partner.

Crucial info - he hated that job and left after two months. He took another similar job and is still earning the salary he started on several years ago.

I know I should let go, but it just annoys me.

So did he make a bad decision or is he unmotivated to earn more? Is that the real beef? Because if he had made that decision and worked his way up to a better paying job I doubt you would be so cross still.

LIZS · 03/05/2023 16:46

So he is earning less but has continuity of employment? How would he lose his payout, did he resign?

Margrethe · 03/05/2023 16:48

You can’t know if taking the payout would have been the right decision. It’s his career not yours. Only he fully understood the nuance of the situation at the time.

He’s not your career avatar. You can have your own career and make your own moves and choices.

Snoken · 03/05/2023 17:06

I would not be furious about this. You are also not married so his money is his, and yours is yours.

It's impossible to know if it had taken him more than 6 months to find another job or not. He would probably still be on the same salary he is now regardless as that is what he has settled with, so his progression would not have been affected any way. I think you need to let this go now, it was a gamble and he chose the safer option. If he had been unemployed for 7 months or more he would have lost money by taking the redundancy payment.

MidnightMeltdown · 03/05/2023 17:08

YABU

His job, his money, his decision. You sound controlling. I'd be fucking furious if a partner tried to tell me what to do with my career.

xyxygy · 03/05/2023 17:10

...to take a new job on lower pay than the one he'd just been made redundant from.

Erm...if he was made redundant from the previous job, then he would've got the redundancy payout. If, however, he went looking for another job as soon as it was announced there would be redundancies...that's a different situation. It's basically a gamble for gain on one hand, or guaranteed continued employment on the other.

DP and I have always made our own decisions on our careers, it's none of the other's business - the only stipulation is that the bills must be paid every month, and everything else is our own. We may ask each other for advice, but that's the extent of it.

So yes, YABU in my opinion, whether you turned out to be right or wrong.

Addicted2Kale · 03/05/2023 17:14

Are you his partner or wife? Let it go. You're still solvent and you're not struggling. For the sake of his mental health and your relationship, leave it in the past and move on.