Please can someone tell me if I'm being overly dramatic, emotional, hormonal, just plain irrational maybe 🤷🏻♀️.
I need to give a bit of background information first. This is going to be a long read. I met my "boyfriend" in August 2018. He was separated (for 2 years) from his wife and they had an almost 4 year old son. I've never been married but separated from my 9 year old daughter's dad 9 years previous. We went to school together and were set up by a friend. He worked offshore 4 on/4 off and when he was home he had his son most of the time. There wasn't much time for us to be alone but when we were it was ace. I loved him.
July 2019 I fell pregnant. It was not planned and for whatever reason, while he was offshore, I became not pregnant. I really needed him and was counting down the days for him coming home. But he forgot to come home (got drunk at the airport and missed his flight). He told me the reason he didn't come home was because he was mugged! He's since admitted that wasn't true. The day after he did come home, he and his son went on holiday and he was not shy in telling me what an amazing time he was having and that it was the best holiday he's ever had. While I was at home, still sore and very emotional. That was the first time I thought that I must not mean as much to him as he claimed I did.
He's good with words though. I have tried to finish with him a few times over the years because he is an extremely selfish man. He travels around different football grounds "collecting" them. He goes, sometimes with his son, sometimes alone, at least 3 times a week, often 4. While working offshore for half the year. I got used to not seeing him very often, and never at weekends, because when we did spend time together it was good. And anytime I asked for more, there were reasons (excuses and lies) as to why we couldn't. He was good with his words. He denied that I existed to his wife for 2 years, even though they had been split up for 4 years by this point. He said it was to make the divorce go smoother.
Fast forward to April 2022. There had been lots of arguments, tears, splitting up because he still was not divorced and was still going to football more times a week than seeing me, and usually lying about it. A very silly mistake resulted in me being pregnant. I was so upset. I told him that if he was to still be married by the time the baby arrived and continued to put football before me then I'd be better of doing it alone. I barely saw him the entire time I was pregnant. He wouldn't watch football less and he wouldn't put our little family first. Despite saying and writing all the right words. His actions don't ever seem to match his words.
November 2023 I have a beautiful baby boy. My "partner" continued to live at home with his 8 year old son, me with my 14 year old daughter and the baby. We had talked about living together but despite the promises, he was still married. The baby took my surname. He stayed with us 2, sometimes 3 nights during the week (never weekends) but would leave every morning at 6.30 to take his son to school and let his wife go to work. He'd come back after dropping him off at school and leave in time to pick him up. I joked it was his 10-2 shift. He felt like a visitor rather than a second parent.
January 2nd my mum is admitted to hospital. January 3rd she is diagnosed with a brain tumour. January 4th we are told she has a few weeks left to live. She was in hospital for a week before we were allowed to take her home. Most of those days my partner would pick me and the baby up, drop me at hospital and drive around with baby until he needed fed again (he's exclusively breastfed). This was hard as I only ever got an hour or 2 at the most with mum and sometimes had to feed my baby in the car in the car park. I asked my partner to take the baby, buy formula and bottles and just keep him for a night. I asked him this while sobbing in the car as we were driving away from the hospital. He reminded me that I wanted to breastfeed the baby and that he couldn't take him. So he dropped us at home and he went home to his other son. That was hard. That was so SO hard. It's really lonely being up all night alone with a new baby. It's even lonelier being up all night with a baby knowing that your mum is away to die any minute. And it's this part that I can't forget, can't forgive and can't let go of. I needed him that week. The baby needed him that week. I feel like we were just left to fend for ourselves at the absolute worst time of my life. The thing is, he was actually meant to be offshore that week but it was called off before Christmas due to weather or backlogs or something. This means that there were plans in place for his other son. His mum was off work for the holidays so childcare was not an issue. Anytime spent that week with his son was bonus time, which I understand, I'd want to spend time with my child too. But the brand new baby son needed him. I needed him. He did however, manage to go watch football twice that week. Nothing, not new babies or dying mums, would ever get in the way of that. That hurt. It hurt then but looking back 4 months on, it hurts even more.
My lovely mum died in February. And I've been at home with my baby since. His last trip home from work he spent 4 nights with us. He managed 9 games of football though. One of which he lied to me about, saying that he couldn't stay with us on the Wednesday (one of our set nights) because his wife had let him down and couldn't have their son. I've since found out that was a lie and he asked to have their son that night to go watch football. I'm worried he lies to his wife about me "letting him down" in that way in the future.
If it was his mum in the hospital, he wouldn't have to ask me to "help" with the baby. Because it's just a given that I'd be at home with the baby anyway. Just like he doesn't ever ask if he can go to football, go for a night out, work away for weeks at a time. I would though. I'm doing something with my dad and sisters, for my mum, in June. I've had to ask him if I can go. I've had to ask him if he'll forgo football that Saturday to look after the baby. We had to time it around his work.
We've been together for 4 years and 9 months. He's been split up from his wife for almost 7 years. He's still married. He lies to me about where he is, often saying he's at home with his son when in reality he's in England (we live in Scotland) watching football. When I find out he's lied, he lies more. He told me his dad had Alzheimers (because his dad once let slip that he was at football when he had told me he was home with his son) so I couldn't believe a word he said. He's selfish, he lies and he's still married. I've told him that's it and told him that the way he was when my mum was ill was the last straw. It's a massive straw in my opinion! I should have left and never looked back in 2019. I fell for his lines though. Every time. And I hate myself so much for that. He's trying now, to make excuses, use his lines, even blame MY reactions to his behaviour as the reason that things are so terrible.
So please, be honest, from what I have written here, am I overreacting? Am I being too emotional, possibly still hormonal, sleep deprived and am i "throwing this away"? Or have I finally got it into my thick head that he doesn't love me, he's never going to put me and the baby first (or even just higher on his list of priorities) and I will never be able to trust or rely on him?
My mum was 58 years old. She held my baby once and he, at 20 weeks old, has now lived longer without her than he did with her. She was an amazing Granny and I can't bare the thought of them not knowing eachother 💔