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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why she didn't really react?

21 replies

SunsetsInVenice · 03/05/2023 12:19

People respond to shock in different ways I know, want to say that first.
This morning we heard a childhood family friend had died of cancer. She was 59. My sister in particular adored her as a child. Didn't see much of this lady in adulthood except hearing updates from parent's but when I told my sister the bad news just now, she looked at me and said 'OK. That's just really sad.' and didn't really react. I was just surprised and also a bit worried. She is normally very emotional.

OP posts:

BallandBoe · 03/05/2023 12:25

I'm not sure that there is a correct way to react?

Like you say, people deal in different ways. I'm one of the most emotional people (in fact I have 'Emotionally unstable disorder/BPD) but I don't think I would lose it over a friend who I 'used' to know. I would be sad, yes. But death is a part of life.

rainraingoawaay · 03/05/2023 12:31

I think if it's someone you've not seen for years or been close to as an adult, her reaction sounds about what I would expect?

Arginalia · 03/05/2023 12:33

It seems a proportionate response to the death of someone she hasn't been in regular touch with since childhood.

There does seem, lately, to be an expectation that everyone must have a very vocal, gushing sort of response to the death of anyone they're acquainted with, whether close or not - but we don't all express sadness in that way.

Sugarshoots · 03/05/2023 12:37

Sometimes it hits you later, maybe she didn’t want to express her feelings in front of people? When I heard someone very important to me had died, a few years after we lost touch, I said the right things in front of friends then later when alone I fell apart. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

Sissynova · 03/05/2023 12:37

What exactly are you worried about?
You seem to be upset because she didn’t have a breakdown over a very old friend? Noting that it was a sad event seems like a perfectly normal response. Bursting into tears or something over someone you actually don’t know and haven’t known for decades would probably be the weirder reaction.

MelchiorsMistress · 03/05/2023 12:40

What sort of reaction did you want?

Do you think she has no emotion at all about it just because she was able to keep it inside her head?

Your reaction to her reaction is more surprising to me tbh.

Littlebutload · 03/05/2023 12:41

I think her reaction was normal, she hasn't seen this person years.

JamHam · 03/05/2023 13:03

What?

WandaWonder · 03/05/2023 13:16

I think your thoughts are odder really

No I don't judge people on how they take news

Pinkdelight3 · 03/05/2023 13:18

It is really sad. What more can she say? It's sad news, out of the blue. There is no right way to react and there's nothing for you to be worried about. Sounds like you wanted more of a dramatic moment and are feeling disappointed.

IhearyouClemFandango · 03/05/2023 13:23

That’s me tbh. Ive spent years being told that I am ‘cold’, but I’m just not overt in my emotions.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2023 13:24

I'm surprised that you're surprised. Your sister hasn't seen this woman in years and years. Her response was normal and appropriate.

jc12689 · 03/05/2023 13:53

SunsetsInVenice · 03/05/2023 12:19

So what was your reaction?

I think my reaction would be similar to your sister for someone I hadn't seen for years.

IfOnlyThingsWereEasy · 03/05/2023 14:02

I get quite emotional about things, but I have to agree with others, if she hasn’t seen the person in years and isn’t close to them she is going to be far less effected. Her reaction seems normal to me in that situation.

Whatabouteverything · 03/05/2023 14:05

OP ignore everyone else who's replied to you - if she's usually an outwardly emotional person then you're right to be a bit worried. She is likely in a bit of shock and may get emotional later on- keep in touch with her and see how's she's doing tonight and tomorrow. If the normal emotions don't show and you're worried then speak to her about it - it might be she's genuinely not feeling emotional or it might be a bit of shock. You sound like a lovely sister.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/05/2023 16:09

OP ignore everyone else who's replied to you

Because you are right and everyone else is wrong. O-kay...

HadalyEve · 03/05/2023 16:12

Did your sister know she had terminal cancer? Often an expected death appears to be handled more calmly because loved ones have already thought about that day and hearing that news. So they will have done some emotional labour prior to the person with cancer passing away.

GoneTillNovember · 03/05/2023 16:15

Her reaction seems normal. If she's like me, she'll react that way at first and then quietly think on the deceased over the next few days/weeks/months, remembering her in her own way.

Topseyt123 · 03/05/2023 16:15

I think it is a fairly normal and proportionate reaction to the news of the death of someone you have not seen in many years.

There is no right or wrong way to react. You feel the way you feel.

DoNotKeepAsking · 03/05/2023 16:16

Goodness give her a chance. The news has only just landed.
In any case, it’s way too early to diagnose an abnormal grief reaction.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 03/05/2023 16:18

No reaction is correct. My mum died recently and I didn’t cry in public. Friends and partner all expected me to breakdown. I didn’t.

when I called my partner to tell him my mum died he came straight round and found me in the shower. He was expecting a wreck but I was calmly packing and organising work.

it was only when he went to sleep I cried.

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