Unsure about motherhood even after IVF

[pizzawinecake]

Didn't want to put this in pregnancy because I don't want to trigger anyone that's had a hard time reaching pregnancy.

I am 30 weeks pregnant. I have had a hard journey to get here. 2 mcs and 2 rounds of IVF (first transfer worked so very grateful for that). It's taken 3 years so far. It's been a crappy 3 years with the infertility hanging over our heads, traumatic miscarriage experience during lockdown, trying to figure out the issue without any NHS support, being unable to plan ahead because of IVF treatment or expecting to be pregnant, friends and family around us falling pregnant seemingly very easily and feeling like we are being left behind, both of us changing our lifestyle for months on end... there were some dark times and I'd have said then this is all I wanted..

However, now I am here, I cannot help feel terrified about the future, wondering if was the right choice as DH have a lovely stress free life together and wondering if being a mum is really for me and if I'll like baby enough. I feel grief for my old life and freedom. I feel ungrateful given our journey and we are lucky to have been successful with the IVF and can't really tell my friends how I feel as I feel a bit silly to admit this now after everything we have gone through.

It seems to me that everyone else is super excited about baby and new life by the time they are 7 months pregnant and I'm just not there....

Does this make sense? YABU or YANBU?

I think these feelings are pretty normal. I had IVF and now have a six month old. I love her to bits, now, but I found the change in lifestyle and priorities very very hard to face in late pregnancy and in the first few months. I was very anxious and really struggled. I think it can feel like you’re somehow not allowed to not love every minute because of the IVF, you’re supposed to be so grateful it’s worked.

I had PND and was referred to perinatal mental health. Through that I’ve met a group of mums who also struggle with PND, and the other IVF mum there felt exactly the way I did, and the way you do now. From talking to the counsellors, it seems pretty common among women who’ve had IVF.

I’m not saying you’re doomed to PND or anything like that! But it may be a good idea to find out what support is available in your area, and get to your GP armed with that knowledge if you feel like you need more professional support with the anxiety.

Having a baby is life changing but I promise you, it's so worth it.

I think you've had such a rough journey that it's no wonder you're feeling down. I think as soon as you see your little one, you will realise it's all been worth it.

You life will be different but it hasn't ended. You've got this.

Just because you have had infertility doesn't mean you have to enjoy every moment. It is quite normal not to. I have two IVF children and still occasionally think "what the hell have I done??". 🤣🤣

I cannot give you advice from a infertility point of view, or IVF. However as a Mum and someone who knows people who have battled with infertility, you are NOT being unreasonable. Motherhood is hard. Children are hard and change is frightening. However wished for that change is. Be kind to yourself.

Totally normal i think. The problem with infertility is that you have so many decisions to overthink and wonder if you'll regret. I was pretty ambivalent about having children (husband very keen) and really wondered if I'd done the right thing all the way through my first pregnancy. Absolutely besotted with my son as soon as he arrived. Good luck and don't beat yourself up.

I haven't been through the same journey as you, but I can say on here that I felt pure panic with each of my positive pregnancy tests, and in an absolute 'oh Jesus what have I done way'. However, I have three children now that me and my DH absolutely adore 😻 they are hard work for sure but it's as pp say, your mind set changes when they're here, it's just completely different to when you are pregnant. You have had such a tricky road to this point too so I am not surprised to be honest you are feeling uncertain. That and the fact pregnancy is HARD! You will miss out on things when they arrive for sure, but you will do a thousand new things and that's the fun bit 😁 try to stay strong and embrace the experience where you can. They will soon be here 😀 that said if you feel the same when baby arrives seek some help as soon as you can. PND is obviously very tricky but can be managed with the right support.

Goodluck op and congrats

I love my kids but hated being pregnant. Everything changes when you have a baby and it's totally normal to feel overwhelmed.

Thanks this all feels reassuring.

Very much noted about the PND comments, and I think you're right, I need to be on guard about that.

Yes, I am starting to feel that when you are going through infertility you put pregnancy and motherhood on a pedestal and that is almost your aim. Sometimes without thinking about the reality of the situation and what that means. I worry that I almost made infertility a challenge I had to 'complete', and now I (almost) have completed it, I am realising the reality of what life after infertility looks- something I didn't even let myself think about before 'just in case' it didn't happen.

Thanks. Will try not to feel bad about myself.

I had fertility treatment, although not IVF, and still felt a few moments of panic about what I'd got myself into. It's totally normal when you are doing something so life-changing and irreversible. It's probably a good thing, because you are aware of all the potential outcomes and problems.

I never told anyone how I felt, because I felt so awful about it. I also worried at ante-natal classes, in case anyone found out what a fraud I was and that I wasn't a "proper mother" like them. I know, nobody would have cared, but sometimes we worry about weird stuff! I wish Mumsnet had been around then, it might have saved me a lot of stress.

This plus you have had a lot more time to think about it than people who get pregnant after having sex a couple of times.

I've had 4 years of infertility struggles and I hate how it sort of takes away your right to feel what normal people feel when they get pregnant.

It's totally normal to feel a sense of loss of your previous life, to worry about whether you've done the right thing in becoming pregnant... all those things are so, so common.

But when you have IVF it's like you are meant to be 100% sure and grateful for every little part of it.

We've been trying to get me pregnant for 4 years but we are still terrified of becoming parents, in the same way any new parents are terrified. I think it's rare to find someone who is 100% certain they are doing the right thing, because you can't know what being a parent is like until you are one.

Don't be hard on yourself about this. You needed IVF but that doesn't make you any different to any other parent-to-be. All the best with the birth and baby, I'm sure you will be amazing!

I can't speak to the IVF side, but I think a lot of women when they are in the later stages of pregnancy have similar feelings about the impending changes, with a bit of the fear of the unknown around giving birth thrown in as well. Your feelings are unique to you and you don't need to add guilt tripping yourself to the mix if you can possibly help it!

Please also don't panic if you don't have the "sudden rush" that some women experience after giving birth. I didn't have that for either of mine and the early days were just about the constant care a newborn needs. The love and fierce feelings for them grew with them.

Take a breath it's ok to feel anxious, terrified and mourn a bit. Have a nice bath maybe a massage. Your not a bad person or a bad mum!

Sounds like you've had an absolute nightmare of a time, OP. Its completely normal to freak out a bit/have cold feet!

As much as I wanted a baby I had similar fears before the birth of my first. But it all dissappeared once I clapped eyes on him. It's a massive change but absolutely worth it, I promise you.

Go easy on yourself. Your feelings are valid and normal.

Some people sail through pregnancy on a wave of optimism but it’s nearly impossible to do that after MC and IVF.
When the baby is actually here, things change. This doesn’t mean everything will instantly be better, but you will have different challenges, and it’s at least preferable to the what-ifs of late pregnancy.

I believe difficult paths to conception can actually make these sorts of feelings more likely. You have been through a traumatic journey to get this far - and in a sense you have chosen to continue to put yourself through it - so it's something you have told yourself you really, really wanted, then it happens and you wonder if actually it was all worth it after all. Also, like all trauma, it's often once it's passed and you have time to reflect that it starts to hit fully. Just allow yourself your feelings, it is normal and you don't have to buy into the narrative that you have your miracle and it has to be all sunshine and roses from now on.

I had my two via IVF. Hated pregnancy despite having spent years longing for it, and six weeks after my first daughter was born I remember thinking to myself 'What the fuck have I done?'. Obviously that passed as we went on to have a second!

Having a baby is a huge change to your life, however the baby gets here. I had a great NCT group who all convieved naturally, but a lot of them also had the 'oh shit what have I done' moment. I can thoroughly recommend getting a group of new mums around you to make you realise how common these feeling are.

IVF mum here. My DD is 13m now. I could have 10000% wrote this as well OP. It’s so surreal when you’ve overcome all of the obstacles and facing with the impending baby! I hated being pregnant too.
I did end up with really bad PPA after she was born as all I did was sorry about the little things. You do feel grief for everything but take the joy from the little things. You will have a whirlwind of emotions and breakdowns (hopefully not) during the first few months. Just take a breath every time and know it gets better. X

I do miss my old life, I do think a lot of the time should I have listened to my body not being able to have a baby? Possibly. Can’t change it- she’s here and is the light of my life now! But would I do it again? No. Definitely not.

once you hold them and realise they are finally here, it helps. Go to as many classes as you can- you won’t be alone in any feelings you have I promise xx

I haven't had IVF but I did have the "wobble" when I was about 7 months pregnant. I had a 2 year old and I had this overwhelming feeling that I loved him so much and I could never love the new baby that way. I felt so guilty as I was already failing my 2nd baby. As soon as he was in my arms I realised I loved him just the same as his brother.

It is a big life changing event and it is compounded by all those naughty hormones playing havoc with our emotions.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I hope all goes well.

I had a similar journey to pregnancy and I think it made me a bit detached from the baby in utero. I couldn't bring myself to name them and as we didn't know the sex also hadn't really started thinking of them by a name and hadn't decorated the nursery. Lots of pregnant people around me seemed to already be super connected to the little life inside them and for me it just didn't feel real. I felt a lot of worry as to how my life would change for myself and my husband (and dog! Lol). Once baby was here it took me a few days to get that overwhelming rush of love and the feeling that 'this is MY baby'. But it came and I love her to bits. But I still sometimes miss my previous life. Please don't feel bad about yourself - very normal to have those feelings!

I was lucky not to suffer infertility but I had the same feelings being pregnant with my first. All the way through I was like wtf gave I done. Then suffered pnd. I think it's common to greive for the life we could have had, grass is greener and all that

You are all very kind. This has helped immensely. I am so glad I asked this qn.