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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One parent moving away....

26 replies

Xztop · 03/05/2023 10:15

DD's dad has recently moved in with his new family an hour away.
He wants me to pick dd up now
To be honest I am loathe to do this as he decided to move away from his daughter and also I just can't afford the petrol.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 03/05/2023 10:20

He should be visiting or you should be sharing petrol

You can't just stop seeing the other parent cos they moved.

Dd lived 60.miles he moved for work.

He travelled at weekends to see her because he was a great and committed father.

How come you haven't even discussed this with him.

RoseAndRose · 03/05/2023 10:21

The parent who moves away is normally the one who does the bulk of the travelling.

Flopsythebunny · 03/05/2023 10:21

Tell him that you cannot afford to then don't do it.
He moved away so he needs to cover the cost of travel

greencheetah · 03/05/2023 10:23

He moved, he can cover the cost and do the travelling.

Are you worried he won't bring her back? How old is she?

Original poster
Xztop · 03/05/2023 10:24

Oh no, I'm not worried he won't bring her back. She's 14.

He didn't even tell me he was moving until the week before it happened...

OP posts:
TinyOctopus · 03/05/2023 10:25

He doesn’t need to tell you, he doesn’t need your permission, she’s 14 not 4 soon she will be old enough to visit herself.

ssd · 03/05/2023 10:27

At 14 couldn't she get a bus

Original poster
Xztop · 03/05/2023 10:30

He does need to tell me because he dropped lots of stuff he was doing with dd because of the move, also because its the decent thing to do. I would and will tell him when I move...

There is no bus route unfortunately

OP posts:
limitedintel · 03/05/2023 10:30

TinyOctopus · 03/05/2023 10:25

He doesn’t need to tell you, he doesn’t need your permission, she’s 14 not 4 soon she will be old enough to visit herself.

He does need to tell her if he's expecting her to do the pick ups!

TinyOctopus · 03/05/2023 10:32

limitedintel · 03/05/2023 10:30

He does need to tell her if he's expecting her to do the pick ups!

Show quote history

She’s 14!!! She can get train, many kids of that age travel an hour to school alone I know I did!

greencheetah · 03/05/2023 10:36

Can you take her to train station and he collects her from nearest train station etc? At 14 she should be perfectly capable unless there's a SEN drip feed coming.

Original poster
Xztop · 03/05/2023 10:40

There is no train station, no bus route, he's moved to a small village an hour away in the next county so couldn't have picked anywhere more awkward!

OP posts:
DangerNoodles · 03/05/2023 10:40

She may be fine to get the train, but shouldn't her father be making an effort to show her that he still wants to see her despite moving away?

Original poster
Xztop · 03/05/2023 10:43

@DangerNoodles
Exactly!
Her dad has moved in with his new family and they both decided to move that far away. He was 5 minutes walk away before...

OP posts:
DangerNoodles · 03/05/2023 10:56

@Xztopthat's so sad, I never understand how a parent can move away then not do everything in thier power to ensure thier DCs still feel loved. It's also bloody cheeky of him to expect you to take a financial hit because of his choice to move.

TinyOctopus · 03/05/2023 10:57

I don’t think he can be expected to live 5 minutes from you for the rest of her life. You’ve been very lucky so far that he’s always lived so close

Original poster
Xztop · 03/05/2023 10:59

Not sure where I said I expected him to stay 5 minutes away!!!

My aibu is the original post...

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 03/05/2023 11:10

YANBU, why should his choice to move inconvenience you or DD, he needs to do the travelling or at the very minimum pay for the petrol.

Murdoch1949 · 03/05/2023 16:42

The onus is on your daughter's father. Either he comes to get her, or arranges to meet her in a town nearer his that she can get a direct bus/train to. I understand that transport to his new village is unavailable, but there will be links to a place 15 mins away. He needs to sort it out with your daughter, it's not for you to facilitate his contact, she's 14!

dottypotter · 03/05/2023 16:45

strange. Dont you talk to him about it?

monotonemusings · 03/05/2023 16:45

He has to do both trips then.

On the plus side maybe this new house is nicer than his old one and might have more space or room to keep a pet or something. Try and stay positive for your daughter's sake.

CheersForThatEh · 03/05/2023 16:51

I wouldnt make any extra effort on the basis that it speaks volumes that he either expects you to do it or doesnt care if it means he wont see her.

I'd take her for a weekend once a month but expect him to do the other 3 (as an example). I think contact needs to be discussed and take her wants into account.

She shouldn't be made to miss her social life to suit him now. If she has always gone round on a Saturday and had tea there twice a week that obviously doesnt work now. So maybe one weekend a month, him doing travel for 3 out of the 4 months.

CheersForThatEh · 03/05/2023 16:54

CheersForThatEh · 03/05/2023 16:51

I wouldnt make any extra effort on the basis that it speaks volumes that he either expects you to do it or doesnt care if it means he wont see her.

I'd take her for a weekend once a month but expect him to do the other 3 (as an example). I think contact needs to be discussed and take her wants into account.

She shouldn't be made to miss her social life to suit him now. If she has always gone round on a Saturday and had tea there twice a week that obviously doesnt work now. So maybe one weekend a month, him doing travel for 3 out of the 4 months.

What I mean is that their relationship should be more mutually convenient rather than on a fixed schedule.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 03/05/2023 17:14

Will he not consider meeting half way? Definitely don’t agree to? Is he wanting you to drop her off to him and pick her up? Really as he moved he needs to be the one to make the travel arrangements especially if you are rural, it’s not as simple as hopping on public transport.

Skybluepinky · 03/05/2023 17:44

He moved, he pays and does all the driving and paying for travel.