Separation anxiety?

[Cocoalover]

Sorry, it's not the right place to post, but I'm posting here for traffic.
I'm in desperate need of advice.
My son (9) has always had anxiety, but it is getting worse. He struggles to go to the bathroom alone. He will certainly not go to bed alone or fall asleep alone and never has. But a new issue lately is that he thinks that we will essentially abandon him. He thinks that I will leave him at my parents, for example, or drive off in the car without him, but it isn't just me he's worried about leaving him. He has a 1-1 assistant at school because it is highly suspected that he is autistic and has adhd (almost got a diagnosis) he's gone on a trip today and he was absolutely hysterical at the thought of his teacher leaving him. I am so heartbroken for him and I don't know what I can do to help :( does this sound like separation anxiety? What can I do?

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Thanks so much, Dawn!

Don't make a fuss when you leave. Maybe have a routine. Say goodbye peck on the head and leave quickly.

When you return use the same sentence. "I'm back as always" peck on head again.
So he starts to associate the peck on the head with coming back as well as leaving

Don't pander to the crying /fuss etc. Keep the drama away from both the leaving and the returning.

Keep it clean and quick

That's really good advice. It made me realise that I always make a fuss when I leave with a couple of kisses and cuddles, and lots of I love yous. But I am just an affectionate person, as is he. I can see how that would make things worse when leaving him, though. I will definitely try what you suggested. Thank you

My son is the same. He is 16 now. We have taught him lots of calming techniques. We have tried to teach him to separate out real/likely risks from the feelings of anxiety and react accordingly. He is beginning to set himself targets to be more independent. I have always encouraged him to share his worries and offered reassurance.

It's extremely draining and upsetting to witness. Hugs to both of you.

Also routines or clear plans so he knows what is happening and he won't be left behind.

I read a brilliant article about separation anxiety and autism, although I can't seem to find it again. Basically, it was saying that for a lot of ND children, their parents or caregivers become their link with the world - they have basically "trained" us to understand their needs and communication methods, so leaving us means both losing having their needs communicated to others, and having the world deciphered to them. Which is pretty terrifying and confusing for them.

Both of my kids have really struggled with this - my son (9) still often comes in with us at night, and can't fall asleep on his own if his sister isn't in her bedroom, which adjoins his. My daughter used to get hysterical if I tried to leave the house - even just to go to the shops, or for a run, but she is far more calm these days. Things that have worked for her have been headphones at night - either music or an audiobook. She now has an Echo in her room, so she can pick an audiobook. We also had matching cuddly toys, which we would "load up with cuddles" before I went away, and then swap them when I left. Having a phone was a huge help for her too - that way if she got anxious she could text me and get instant reassurance. Those worry monsters were quite good too - if they have a worry, they write it down and put it in the monsters mouth, and then the monster "eats" it (you just have to remember to check them every so often and remove the worries!).

Long post - sorry! These days, my daughter recognises that she gets worried about being away from us, and so focusses on how to alleviate that, rather than thinking that the worry means something bad could happen. I'm hoping that my son will develop the same self-awareness, although they are very different people! With him, I'm just being as gentle as I can - I think they start to try and resolve things once they want to become more independent and visit friends, or go to the park alone. That was certainly a strong motivator for my daughter! Although my son is far less social, so am guessing it might take a bit longer for him.

I cut a piece off of my son's favourite blanket and sprayed my perfume on it and put it in his pocket.
Whenever he felt anxious at school he would touch it and smell it to reassure himself.
Nowdays he tracks me with his phone. The anxiety of being away from me has never eased but he's found ways to self comfort.

Thanks for all of the advice. It is very much appreciated.