'Failed marriage'

[birkies]

AIBU to think that a marriage that lasts 15+ happy years, raises two great children in a happy home but does eventually end in divorce co-parent well and remain on friendly terms actually isn't a failed marriage? It seems quite successful to me, really. I don't necessarily think divorce means the marriage failed, it means it ended. That's not the same thing?

It seems quite successful to me, really. It's more than a lot of people would ask for? Both parties now have new partners and the now adult kids are happy and everyone gets on.

I agree OP. Has anyone described it as "failed" to you?

I totally agree.

I agree with you, doesn't sound to me like anything has failed, all the family relationships seem a resounding success from what you've written. If people deem your situation a failure heaven knows what theyd think of the chaos lots of families live in!

I agree but that's just the terminology 'failed marriage' is what people generally say when you divorce. I wouldn't take it personally if it was just an offhand comment.

Failed is harsh but successful doesn't really fit either as imo this would apply to marriages that are still existing.

I’m with you on that. I never could see why a failed marriage was one that had run its course. Surely a failed marriage is one where the two parties are unhappily together?

It's a phrase. Marriage is a contract. If it ends, the contract has failed 🤷

But it’s ended (other than through death). A successful marriage is one that lasts (at least - also has to be happy etc etc). What you’re describing is a successful relationship, part of which was marriage.

It may sound harsh, but it is a failed marriage. Regardless of anyone’s opinion of the religious side of it, it is a contract that was intended to last until “death

I agree with you OP. I think 'lasting well, producing good things, and ending well' is a pretty resounding endorsement.

.. sorry somehow posted itself before I’d finished.

But, have a successful family unit, a successful parenting arrangement that has successfully raised children.

it’s just the marriage that’s failed and it is correct (IMO) terminology for that part of it

Failed marriage - marriage is a formalised union between two people . The formalised union has broken and acknowledged as such via a divorce hence it is a failed marriage . It has failed to exist. It is what it is op. It's nice that you co-parent successfully and continue to provide a happy home for your kids . That's what matters really .

It's succeeded as a long term relationship and failed as a marriage. Marriage lasts until death.

It hasn’t ‘ended’ if nobody has died, it’s failed. It doesn’t mean the husband and wife have failed, it’s not a personal insult and they can still succeed as friends and good parents. But the marriage has failed and is no longer functional.

Anyone can be pedantic about the technicalities but I completely agree, sounds like a better marriage than many I hear about.

A marriage is a promise and commitment to 'forsaking all others' be together for life.
A failed marriage on reasonable grounds is hardly a damning indictment of the people involved.
The marriage failed. The people are still doing a good job of parenting and being good folk!!
I'm not seeing a problem with the wording.

It could be reframed as successfully divorced? I agree though. Even now there's a stigma and judgement around it.

Sorry OP but YABU, it’s the marriage itself that has failed - not lasted the course, til death do us part blah blah - on the basis that a marriage is expected to last a lifetime. It’s no indictment of the parties involved, their happiness while it lasted or their ongoing arrangements (all of which sound great, btw, and a real endorsement of how well the separation’s been handled by everyone involved). But the marriage itself has definitely failed - it’s a descriptor rather than a pejorative term.

It's failed because ideally it was supposed to last until death.

However, failure is a complex concept.

I agree with this, and all the others who have said similar.

You seem to have negotiated the divorce well and have a good relationship after the marriage, but if you promised to be together "until death us do part" - or any modernised version of that, then that promise hasn't come to fruition, has it ?

OP, I agree. I find it very hard to think of or view my long term marriage as any kind of failure (loads of happy memories, wonderful children etc.). I see only success and a cherished friendship. I suppose I just think of the marriage as being something that gradually ended because we grew apart. I suppose the marriage has failed but the very phrase just absolutely sets my teeth on edge. Hard to describe but I do relate!

But the marriage has failed? It doesnt make you bad people or parents but there is no use pretending it was a success. If it was you'd still be married.

Nothing wrong with the terminology, which is correct in my opinion, but society's view on a failed marriage. It isn't a personal failing per se but I can see that some are made to feel that way.

The marriage has been dissolved. No value judgment there.
What does annoy me is the terminology around ‘remarriage’. A second marriage is a new marriage, it’s not like having a second go at passing your driving test.

It is a failed marriage. Don't need to be so touchy as it sounds like you are happy how things turned out.