DH basically just does what he likes - AIBU?

[ArticMonkeyBusiness]

My DH has a senior well-paid job and as a consequence, I have had to suck up years and years of working away, late nights with clients etc. etc. My career took a catastrophic hit when I had to move countries 4 times bringing up the DC, but I am now working back in the UK. My DH still works away regularly, works late nights and has a lot of client events he has to go to.

Sometimes he has to go to a client dinner, and as alcohol is involved and a long commute on less frequent trains at that time, stays overnight as he has to drive back from the train station as well.

So last night he stayed out as it would be late in getting back, and he has to be up again at 5 am this morning to commute back in. I just took it for granted that it was a client event. However, since found out that he went out with his friend (man) and stayed in a hotel.

This morning I am pissed off, but not sure if IABU. On the one hand, I think, it is not his problem if I live hundreds of miles from my family and don't have lots of friends or hobbies i.e. no one to go out with! On the other I think it is just ANOTHER night that I am stuck in, watching TV on my own, making dinner, walking the dog, dealing with homework and sorting out the DC.

My DH could have another life on the go for all I know. I could be Ruth Wilson in that show where her DH's family rock up and she knew nothing. Whilst I trust my DH, I can't actually tell you if he is going away on business, at a client event, or staying in a work hotel. I only have his word on it. It feels controlling questioning it, but I am tired, bored of it.

I told him I was pissed off, and apparently IABU.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander, stop being passive with your own life, can you not move closer to family if he is hardly ever home?

I agree with PP that you sound a bit passive - kind of like a passenger in your own life.

What do you want?

I am taking less of this crap (hence username)
with dh rocking home dinner handed to him and then does what he needs to do

so now I go out - I still sort dinner as he would overcook and waste a lot and plus I don’t feel guilty and he does the bed routine

start factoring in evenings for yourself and text him - don’t make plans xyz I’m doing this and you need to be at home with the kids

keep doing this

we had in laws for dinner the other day I booked my hairdresser and on the way out I said you he Cook and plate up two dinners for them .. he was open mouthed but I did it as friendly as good be ... but the message gets through

One of my lovely friends overseas recently got divorced. He treated her quite crap TBH. He left her and then she met someone else who makes her really happy. She told me that “he’s really kind, and he wants to do things with me”.

I’d just like to have a partner who “wants to do things with me”, rather than sits around when he’s home because he’s tired and naps on the sofa all Sat and Sunday as he’s tired. He does some things with me, but it feels like I’m putting him out.

I just feel upset and sad.

Do you have holidays where he interacts with you all? You sound incredibly lonely and I also think it might be worth moving closer to family.

So he's got the energy to meet up with friends but not to do something with you?

I agree you need to start being less passive, even if it's hard.

Doesn’t sound like much of a relationship. I think you need to be more selfish, it sounds like everything is catered around him, and he’s not even part of family life. If you need to live closer to your family and friends, tell him you want to move, with or without him because you’re sick of being treated like his staff and you need to have a fuller life. Stop putting him first all the time, you matter just as much and your relationship is meant to be a partnership.

Yes the key point is that he doesn't even seem to want to spend time with you!

As a contrast, I had to travel for business to a lovely city earlier this week, and my first thought was to invite my partner to come share the hotel room and have a night out.

What if you called him on that? Tell him you would have loved to come to his night out (and get sitter or whatever) or that you'd love to do more stuff with him at home. See what he says.

I'd be upset by this too. It's like me asking my family to look after the kids a lot because I have to work, I then feel like I can't ask them to do even more for social events.

He leaves you a lot for work, it takes the piss to then leave you stuck at home for social reasons. You have every right to be extremely pissed off about this.

He's missing out on his kids growing up, he may live to regret that too.

i agree, it’s not ok he has energy and time for his friends and not you. I think you should set an evening and a chunk of weekend that he’s on duty. He can’t be at work or out without clearing it with you and you will mostly say no, especially if he asks a lot. You can schedule whatever you want those times without checking with him. This is separate to date night- tell him if he can’t be arsed arranging a date night or won’t go along with this plan it will have to be marriage counselling as you don’t feel loved or valued and being taken for granted as the nanny housewife is a shitty way to feel.

I'd be willing to bet my arm that a lot of these nights out aren't anything to do with work. He sounds very detached from family life.

It's up to you whether that's something you're happy to put up with for the rest of your life.

How do you see the future with him when the dc's have moved out? Do you have a good connection when it's just the two of you?

I had one like this & ended up leaving him.

I was Bottom of the priority list, a cleaner/childcare/domestic facilitator- and he liked it that way - he didn't want to change.

Wouldn't agree for me to move nearer family. Wouldn't do more at home, or work less, or engage more with family life.

So I gave him an ultimatum & followed through.

Looking back, he had zero respect for me. I'm much happier on my own.

Build up your social circle either way.

YANBU.

It's all too easy to say LTB but it sounds a bit... hollowed out? I like my husband, I like spending time with him, he thinks about my feelings and what works for me when he is planning his life. That doesn't seem too much to ask.

Well there's the tale noone believes on the normal SAHP threads... women gives up her career for the man because he has such good career potential and it just makes more sense. It's fine because they love each other and nothing will ever come between them. And yet 10 years on, here you have the OP....

Anyway, YANBU to be fed up OP. I would focus on making choices to make you happy. Can you build your career? Can you build a network of friends somehow? Find something to go to independent of your OH (his very important senior salary can pay a babysitter surely)? Can you move? I'd be focusing on making the best of my own life rather than sitting around waiting for him to want to spend time with me.

And this is why women leave their husbands and they are all like…’whaaaat???’

When, for YEARS, you consistently treat someone with more consideration than they afford you, well, you get a bit confused (am I being unreasonable? Oh but he works so hard!), then you get upset, then you get a bit sick and tired of it. Then (hopefully) you get on with your own life, then you realise he isn’t contributing in a positive way to yours.

This is the crap which has destroyed my marriage.

We seemed to spend a lot of time hanging around waiting for him. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to get up, waiting for him to get back from having a run/gym. And he'd get annoyed if we just went out and did our own thing because "he hadn't seen the DC all week and wanted to spend time with them". But not before 2pm. And not on his own to give me a break... too much like hard work and no one to change the baby's nappy if needed. And not at bathtime because he wanted to go for a run then. And I'd get grief for letting our oldest stay up too late at the weekend because I was caring for a colicky baby because "he'd worked hard all week and needed down time". And he can't do bedtime because the DC don't settle for him. Unsurprising really. The baby doesn't like him and, being a baby, lets everyone know it. He's impatient and cross with our eldest which winds them up. I've stopped coming down after bedtime. I'd rather go to sleep than spend time with him.

It took me a while, but I eventually twigged that, despite the fanfare and build-up to his brief interactions with family life, they were like damp squibs. I didn't enjoy them, the DC didn't enjoy them and I'm assuming he didn't enjoy them since most of the time would be spent tapping away on his phone, getting coffee or being cross with someone, either one of us or someone at work on his phone.

Mine used to cherry-pick the "nice" parts - getting home just in time for bedtime stories - none of this making dinner or bathing them lark!

He'd walk ahead of us on days out (which I always had to organise) looking at his phone all the time.

But of course he forced DC to do his hobbies - golf, rugby - even when they weren't interested.

Glad I am rid of that selfish knob. Selfishness permeated in his approaches to everything - he was an entitled prick.

YANBU to be pissed off. But if it has been going on for years, of course he is going to think it is unreasonable if suddenly it does not seem ok with you.

I am wondering what your life together was like before he got so 'successful' that he didn't need you any more. If I had to chose between the other woman and late night meetings, I would chose the former - at least they come home smelling nice and smiley. It sounds as thought you might have gone beyond the 'let's talk this through' stage. Even if he knows how unhappy you are, what can he offer to do to fix things. The only think I can see as helpful is for you to do whatever you need to make you feel better. Making new friends is a mammoth task especially if you've lived abroad a lot - been there done that - but if you don't have family close by then friends are a necessary backstop. Finding them - well step 1 is where to find them so
Volunteering, gym and exercise classes, swimming clubs, Culinary classes to learn or improve in cooking or baking

• Painting, sketching, or sculpting classes at a local college or art studio
• Classes to learn a new type of art like glass blowing, woodworking, or metalwork
• Classes in graphic design, website design, or in specific programs like Adobe Illustrator
• Meetups and classes in photography, video editing, or using software like Photoshop

I'll stop here - you can Google it too!
You don't mention kids except 'homework', I am wondering if there isn't support there? Even a way of involving him more in family life.
I had a father like your hubby = always in the limelight and always forgetting to let a little of the spotlight shine on his long-suffering wife. She found a way out when she was over 50 - the golf club and bridge = within months -she had a lovely little group to chat with so no more sitting in front of the telly for her ! She lost her career too. She was a milliner with her own shop but had to give it all up the first time they moved miles away. All of this must have been so hard, particularly seeing your own career being ruined at the expense of his. I wish you well !

Are you living in the wrong place? Why do you live where you do?

You moved back to the UK, and chose to live near his work, I assume? Except it’s not really close enough (drive to train, home late a lot, needs to stay over frequently etc). But it’s not close to your friends & family either.

You need to start to be more assertive about time to yourself to do your own things. You need a mutual scheduling meeting where he checks what the plans are for the week/month and doesn’t just arrange his own thing. This will not come easily if it’s been a long time that he’s expected you to be the default parent at home. But you need to insist.

It seems as though he sees you in a domestic light rather than romantically.

You facilitate his lifestyle.

He is probably grateful for what you do, but that’s not what you want - you want a proper partner who is interested in you and engaged with your family.

I agree that you seem a bit passive but I also know how scary it can be to face up to serious problems in a relationship.

In my experience, when you are teeth-grittedly holding the fort, waking the dog, doing bedtime, getting everyone ready for school etc you have literally no time for yourself. Until you create it.

Once, many years ago, a friend called over and we were chatting about a business idea I had, which would have meant me doing a part-time course. My thenH (now ex) scoffed after she left and said obviously I would never have the time to do the course, given how all-consuming his job was. (Said friend did the course and used my idea!! But didn’t really make a success of it. I was raging though.)

When ex and I separated, after a while licking my wounds, I did do the course, as he now was obliged to share in the care. And my career restarted. And if only I’d had a partner who valued me and my abilities, and recognised that I wanted to be seen and paid for my skills, I could have done this much earlier.

So my advice always in this situation is: figure out what you want your life to look like in 1/3/5 years time, and lay down the plan; insist on him changing his attitude to make it happen. And if he won’t, it’s time to think hard about whether you can tolerate being subdued at home, and what alternative future you might have.