Why is my boss such a condescending bitch?

[BeatieBourke]

And what do I do about it?

I love my job. I have a lot of autonomy and am pretty much left to my own devices most of the time. I also have huge amounts of responsibility and not much support. That's OK, that's the job.

My sector is a 'profession'. I am not qualified in said profession, nor do I need to be to do my job. My boss, Chair of our Board, is an Oxbridge educated member of the profession, but quite young (mid twenties) and newly qualified (6 months). Their achievements are none the less very, very impressive and they're no doubt exceptionally skilled at their work.

The best analogy I can think of is doctors. My boss is (in this metaphor) a junior doctor. I am, say, a ward sister. I have my own skillset, and I manage and oversee stuff. It's not my job to be doctor, I do not need to be a doctor, I have a very seperate but equally essential role. The hospital would not function without me (or them, except they don't work for the hospital, they are on the board). This metaphor is becoming laboured...

Anyway. Despite being bloody brilliant at my job, getting loads of major strategic wins and achieving some pretty difficult milestones in the last year, my boss talks to me like I'm a dumb ass infront of my colleagues. Full on head tilt, sweet smile, stating the bloody obvious condescension. We have different perspectives on things (see metaphor) but I'm extremely respectful (was intimidated at first, now less so but still a professional admiration), always listen with humility to what she has to say because she's my boss and knows her shit. But she doesn't know EVERYTHING. Sometimes I raise things that I think could be viewed from a different angle to get a more rounded understanding of the problem and therefore solution. She never even lets me finish my sentence before I get the old head tilt response.

It's driving me nuts. I can't help feel there's a weird status thing going on. But why? I am not a doctor, don't profess to be a doctor and have the utmost respect for their work. But managing a ward involves other considerations, which is precisely why they hired me.

For what it's worth, other board members seem to think I'm doing a pretty darn good job. I've had two promotions and a hefty pay rise in 12 months. The board are a mixed bag - some very senior 'consultants', some different professions etc. I get on well with them all, except the one who line manages me. Is it me?

Any tips for dealing with this, or do I just have to suck it up? It's really undermining my confidence to the point I think that's the intention.

Sorry for painting myself I to a weird metaphor corner. I'm tired.

Honestly? Consider whether their career rise will quickly outstrip yours* (especially if to drive that they got another “hospital 😉) and if so, practise writing, “fuck off you twat” with your tongue against the back of your teeth whilst head tilting right back.

*and yours sounds ace: well done!

@Testina HA! Very good point and I bloody love the response.

Let's hope they move on to much bigger, more impressive things. Quickly.

You say your boss is newly qualified? There is no way that she is great at her job…and ( deep down) she knows it. At 6 months experience, she’s probably desperately trying to prove she is competent and is over compensating. People like this are often insecure.

Im guessing she also knows you are very good at your job and she feels threatened by you.

I’ve met a lot of people with very impressive ( and intimidating) credentials. And at times, I’ve felt like you do right now. But I’ve also been surprised at how shit some of these types are at getting results.

getting a DofE and lots of shiny exam results does not always equate to high performance at work. ( though many do manage it)

Just keep doing what you need to do. If she continues like this I’d politely call it out in a meeting. Doesn’t need to be aggy. Just name it. She’ll shit herself and everyone else will be laughing up their sleeves ( because these people never only piss off one person- all your colleagues will have similar opinions of her- even her boss!)

Can you mirror her behaviour and do the head tilt thing back at her, or would that feel too unprofessional given she's your boss? Sometimes I find if you mirror the way someone engages with you it can be helpful as either 1) it's positive body language and they see it as being very in tune with you or 2) they get annoyed and bring it up and then you have a chance to have a conversation about how it feels. But obviously that's a pretty bold move so you may not want to push it that much.

Alternatively can you just have an honest conversation with her and say you feel like there's a bit of tension in your relationship and you're not quite sure why as you think she's great blah blah but sometimes you get the impression she doesn't value your input. Sounds to me like she's probably intimidated by you and trying to assert her dominance as someone who is new and wants to assert her authority.

Do you have children? Can you think of her as your 7 year old who thinks they know everything, which is what she sounds like? It does sound annoying….