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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset friends left me out?

59 replies

Teamscreen · 02/05/2023 22:12

My friend lives on the same road as me and I saw a mutual friend had parked outside her house.

I sent them a text in our group chat saying they should have let me know and I’ll pop in and see them. Text was ignored for three hours and then they messaged back to say sorry they’d only just seen it.

OP posts:
QueenSmartypants · 03/05/2023 08:17

Like others, I can understand why you felt left out but you're being a bit needy and you should be able to hang out as pairs without causing drama.

Unless you're being routinely excluded unfairly then let it go.

WimpoleHat · 03/05/2023 08:23

You don’t know the context. It may have been arranged as “come for a coffee” or it may have been a “can I swing by and borrow your hoover?” type situation and they ended up having a coffee and a chat. But either way, nobody has done anything wrong here and you are being odd about it. If I’m chatting to a friend, I’m probably not looking at my phone, so it’s not at all strange that they didn’t see the message. Alternatively, they may have arranged to meet to speak privately about something, in which case they (understandably) wouldn’t want someone to join them.

BodyKeepingScore · 03/05/2023 08:47

@Teamscreen your friends are allowed to meet up independently of you. In the same way you are allowed to meet up with one of them in the absence of the other. You aren't 4 years old. Texting them knowing they were in each others company was rude, expecting them to respond to your message while most likely in the middle of a chat was unfair.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 03/05/2023 08:50

YABVU.

They don't have to invite you every single time they meet up.

Noticing the car is one thing, texting them to say they should have invited you is really quite odd.

evtheria · 03/05/2023 08:51

YABU

Sissynova · 03/05/2023 08:57

Yabu people are allowed to do things that don’t always involve you, it’s rude and awkward for your to try to invite yourself along.

Marchitectmummy · 03/05/2023 08:59

Goodness, unless your friends are very tolerant you are probably close to loosing them. I would feel so uncomfortable if I were your friends in this situation.

Close proximity to your friends house is being abused by you.

I'm not sure how you recover from appearing so overbearing.

Isthislife · 03/05/2023 09:00

I have a friend who is weird about not being invited to absolutely everything, even the most mundane of things. It is really odd. There are 3 of us who are friends. The other 2 meet up just the 2 of them all the time because they work less hours than me, and I am totally fine with it. We are all adults. The needy one is perfectly happy if we all meet up, or if just the 2 of us meet. But heaven forbid I see the 3rd friend without her. She always finds a way so that all 3 of us can make it. I might just be popping in to our friends for a quick cuppa, and it's not unheard of that I'll get a text saying "X mentioned you were popping round so I'll see you there"!

I'm sure your friends didn't intentionally leave you out. But they are 2 grown adults who are allowed to meet for a coffee with whoever they like, so don't be weird about it. Fortunately my friend has loads of other qualities which make her a lovely person and someone I enjoy having in my life, and I'm sure you do to.

lunaloveroo · 03/05/2023 09:04

I think you're a bit needy. I have a friend group (about 8 friends) and we've been friends since school. Some of us are closer than others. That's just the way it is. If it was a night out/ event we'd always ask in the group, but if it's a cup of coffee or calling into someone's house because you have a free hour then we crony contact everyone. That would be tedious.

2chocolateoranges · 03/05/2023 09:06

This sounds like my dds friendship group. She has left school 2 years and some of them still insist that they all meet up or not at all. All as in 12 people, if some hear that a few of them have met up without the others, all hell breaks loose,

dd is fed up of the drama!

Aylestone · 03/05/2023 09:12

Yabvvu and I’m actually embarrassed for you that you had the cheek to invite yourself to her house. They obviously know where you live and would have invited you if they wanted to make it a more formal group thing, instead of 2 friends just hanging out which is totally normal btw. You sound really controlling and unlikeable. I’m guessing you’ll be invited to even less now. But they’ll no doubt be a bit more sneaky about it now their friend is the type to have a tantrum over them not inviting her to absolutely everything and they can’t do anything without her 🙄

Aylestone · 03/05/2023 09:21

2chocolateoranges · 03/05/2023 09:06

This sounds like my dds friendship group. She has left school 2 years and some of them still insist that they all meet up or not at all. All as in 12 people, if some hear that a few of them have met up without the others, all hell breaks loose,

dd is fed up of the drama!

Our DD’s must be in the same friend group as we have the same with 12 of them! She spent the entire 2 week Easter holidays bored and alone because it was impossible to organise a single day where all 12 were available to do something together, there’s absolute murder caused by a couple of them if they feel excluded. I nagged and nagged her to pick even one friend to spend the day with, or even put on the group chat ‘I’m doing x on this day if anyone wants to join me’, so it’s up to each person whether they can come or not without anyone feeling excluded. But she felt she couldn’t even do that 🙄

Skybluepinky · 03/05/2023 09:31

They have probably done it lots of times without u knowing.
They ignored yr text as they were enjoying their time without u.

Nordicrain · 03/05/2023 09:33

YABU. Even my primary age daughter understands that her friends are allowed to see each other indepedently of her, and while that might feel rubbish it's ok. Same as if she wants to play with just one friend. Perhaps you could learn something from her.

Sugarshoots · 03/05/2023 09:34

I agree with others that they’re allowed to meet alone if they chose to, but personally I wouldn’t like it either. I’d feel left out and suspicious about why I wasn’t invited. If it was a one off I’d leave it but if I noticed it was a regular thing and I was no longer invited I would assume they didn’t consider me a friend any longer.

Sparkletastic · 03/05/2023 09:56

Your actions explain why they wanted to meet without you.

potatohead1 · 03/05/2023 10:05

OP do you never see your friends one on one?

Hankunamatata · 03/05/2023 10:17

If they wanted you there they would have text you

blahblahblah1654 · 03/05/2023 10:20

YABU. They don't need to include you every time they meet.

Maddy70 · 03/05/2023 10:25

You are massively over thinking this. Why can't they meet seperately?

My friendship group meets together 1_1 and all those combo actions between

Modda · 03/05/2023 10:27

Surely you are joking? I would hate this if I was one of your friends

LightDrizzle · 03/05/2023 10:36

YABVU! Telling them they should have let you know!!!???

You are friends, you are allowed to see each other and do things in different combinations.

If I were one of those two friends I’d feel quite suffocated, criticised and annoyed by that text. They presumably know where you live so if either one had wanted to meet as a three they’d have messaged you to invite you along.

You risk pushing them away here. if you don’t want that to happen, let this pass without further comment and resolve not to do similar again.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/05/2023 19:07

OP, you sound very insecure. You need to get a grip or you'll lose your friends.

Ossification · 03/05/2023 19:11

Does your mum know that you are posting on her account?

Flyingwithoutwings78 · 03/05/2023 19:16

I didn't realise people still thought like this as adults.
I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

There could be any number of reasons for their meet up, and it shouldn't be questioned. I'm sure there will be times when you want to talk to someone alone, or just have one friend round for coffee, without worrying that you would be offending X, Y or Z by not inviting them too.
The most likely would be that one has confided something personal in the other and doesn't feel ready to share it with the rest of the group.
I'm sure they weren't doing it to deliberately make you feel left out.