Financial imbalance

[Doormirror]

After a very long time in my own as a single mum, I have met someone I really like at a sports club.

The last relationship I was in was abusive, but is now many years ago and I feel ready to dip my toe in again.

I am just thinking about two main things:

He is 8 years younger than me.

I am significantly better off than him. He is minimum wage type, but doing a job he loves. I do a full time, city type job and earn very well.

I can't work out how to deal with these two things. How do I avoid being a mother figure? I am 44, he is 36.

On the money side, I don't want to make him feel inadequate by paying for everything. But on the other hand, I can afford a meal or whatever without worrying about it, and he can't. I don't want to put pressure on him, or drive him into debt, if he feels he has to "keep up". I am not an extravagent person at all, so it's not like I want to go to the poshest places or anything. Just normal stuff. But he can hardly afford his bills at the end of the month, so I would feel awful if he took me out for dinner (let's say) when he can't afford it. He doesn't know what I earn, but he knows my job and will know what that means roughly in salary. Maybe this isn't an issue at all and I am worrying for nothing.

In my last relationship I earnt more than him, but not by a huge amount. He was awful with money and I am very prudent. It caused a lot of resentment, as he never had any money and I paid for everything. I don't want that again.

Views?

would you have resented your X about money if the relationship wasn't also abusive to you?

Good question.

If he had not been such a shirker (work wise) and also not spent my money on himself so much (as opposed to on things that were for us), then no.

He also had ideas far above his station. Like he would always want everything top of the range, even when we were so far off that kind of lifestyle, e.g. we could just about scrape £200 together for a new washing machine and he would insist on "needing" one for £1,000. He had to buy cheese from the deli, he couldn't have bog standard cheddar. At a time when our joint income was under £30k and we both had loans to repay.

Ouch. That's painful.

Is there a conceivable world where you could try dating guy from sports club for a short spell, "just for fun". If still fun after a month, then you'd plan to be honest with him (sooner rather than later) about how upsetting it was when you had a partner who didn't earn much but demanded expensive things. That in the end you just so used. This is your baggage but for you to have a future with him, you have to put that history on the table & ask him how to proceed. Be adults, if at that point you still like him & want to keep him in your life, but need an agreement how to handle the income disparity for mutual fairness & everyone's sanity.

If it's inconceivable, then look elsewhere and keep the sports club guy as nice back pocket fantasy.

fwiw, my step-sister is in a 30+ year relationship with a guy who is mildly wealthy (developer, owns lots of properties)...Step sis bless her, nice gal, but has no income, I guess she has an allowance from him basically. He won't marry step-sis to protect his daughter's inheritance. It's all open, his financial perspective. But they have worked out something to let things last this long & seem happy together. He just bought her (big birthday) a very expensive car.

The age piece is fine. My husband is 8 yrs younger and we literally do not notice it except when reminiscing about childhoods 80s vs 90s.

He also earned a lot less when we met BUT earned "well enough" in a professional career and had earning potential. Meaning we were 50/50 we just ate in cheaper restaurants went on cheaper hols etc.

I think as some fun its fine but in terms of long term partner /building a life it's not without its complications and truthfully wouldnt be for me that said with open comms its not insurmountable

Just date him and see how it goes. You might find he's happy to do lovely things for you that don't cost money - so he'll earn his keep in other ways.

Go on hikes or to watch the sunset or for a coffee. Go for the occasional meal but like you say, nothing extravagant, and see how it goes.

I think for now you should go along with what he can afford. If he is doing the job he likes but can't afford to live then I would wonder why he didn't change job. It always seems very self-indulgent to do a job you love that hardly pays anything.

This is something I feel will resolve one way or the other once you've started seeing him and know the dynamic.

You'll either get along OK with it or you won't. I think it's hard to predict because you don't know how you are both going to react to each other and what kind of dynamic you are going to have until you're in it.

I would say though that earning more does not mean that you are going to be a 'mother figure' (unless you feel that way and take on that role!)

You're only 8 years older than him, that's really not as huge as you are making out. My DH earns more than me and is older but he is absolutely not a 'father figure'. That's not our dynamic at all.

It all depends on your personalities and how you are together which is why I think you just need to give it a go and see how it works out.

Thanks for all the lovely advice

I am super nervous after so long out of the dating game.

I am a generous person, but I don't want to insult him by paying for everything. Funnily enough, if the genders were reversed, this would not even be a thing.

I think he thinks I am "out of his league" (I don't believe in leagues of humans). We are texting all evening and went on a date last week, albeit we didn't call it a date. I can sense he is worried to make the first move. So do I? Or do I give him time to muster the courage?

I don't think long term a big financial imbalance will work tbh, but as a short term shag and for a bit of fun then absolutely go for it. Just protect your heart and be wary of cocklodger behaviour.