to be considering foster care for my daughter?

[Vacua]

I feel a bit despairing

she discharged herself a bit prematurely from the eating disorder unit and at first I was reasonably confident that she would manage at home and had made the right decision (for all the help and support in there, it's also very difficult to be someone who is getting better surrounded by very very thin patients)

it's becoming obvious, just a week or so after being at home, that she is intent on losing all the weight she gained and I can't find my loving and supportive self anywhere - I just feel so angry inside. she's refusing to be weighed, she won't discuss anything with her psychiatrist or the outpatient team, she's eating about half her daily meal plan and I found lots of weights in her room so she's exercising.

I think she needs to be with two parents and proper supervision and support, I can't be around enough to do this for her and even when I am I'm not always completely switched on if that makes sense. There are two other children to think of. There's lots of work that was shelved when she went into hospital last year.

I know nobody else can do it for her, I understand how the illness works but if she is not willing to ask for help with her anorexic thoughts and feelings is it unreasonable to think that I'm not willing to take responsibility for her any more?

That all sounds so difficult for you both. I can understand how you must be feeling.

I don't know anything about anorexia - but it sounds like she must really need you atm, even if she's not cooperating at all.

Is family therapy an option at all? It might be a way of both understanding each other a bit more and finding ways of supporting each other.

This sounds like a very sad situation for all of you. I don't know about the foster situation, but I do know that the mental health act can be used in extreme cases of eating disorders where there is a clear risk to self.
If she is relapsing and refusing treatment, might this be a desperate measure? It does sound like she needs specialist treatment still, despite the issues about being around thinner girls.

Will she think you have given up on her, even though you are trying to help?

Oh, Vacua, what an awful situation for you all. I was severely anorexic in my late teens and early twenties. It is awful for the sufferer and the family. I can see why you might want to consider fostering for her, but I don't really think it would be the answer and would make her feel even worse. If you want, I'll give you my contact details if I can be of any help? I am not an expert but I have been anorexic as I say. Iwa slucky to get good medical support based around intense group therapy.
You need support too. Is there any way you could talk to a proffessional?

I agree with Overrun.
Also in this instance she is probably not able to think straight. Anorexia affects all body organs, including the brain.
She needs you to force the issue now.
Sorry if that sounds abrupt, but using the provisions of mental health act is alot better for her than foster care.

Vacua, really feel for you. Has she got a CPN? Are they any use?

Poor you, totally understand how desperate you feel....my sister had severe anorexia followed by a mental breakdown in her teens, my parents both had to practically look after round the clock for several years. It wore them down, and made their lives utter hell...but she did eventually fully recover. THe key to her recovery was when we sat down with her and drew up a chart of what she agreed to eat - it was about 1500 cals a day, but more than she'd been eating. It was all sorted in to meals and their cal content so she wouldn't panic, and the weight gain was slow enough for her to get a handle on. At the end of each week, if she had eaten all her meals she got a reward, and I covered the chart in loving messages and jokes like ' you deserve to eat' ' you cannot survive on rabbit food' ' you love yourself enough not to keep on starving' etc etc. The thing is, when they are in it, it takes them over, and it is almost impossible to get through to them. I do think it is a cry for help - it's like a slow suicide attempt. I personally think foster care would be the worst thing to do, as it would magnify the feelings of being unloved and hating herself that has triggered it in the first place. My sister also had CBT therapy, and that helped to get her to a more positive mindset of wanting to get better. Good luck, get as much help and therapy for her as you can, and for you if you need it. All my sympathies.

oh gawd.. can you not get her re-admitted? Social services are unlikely to be very helpful if they're anything like up here because of her age. Contact your Camhs and see what they are able to suggest.

So sorry that this is happening Vacua I don't really know what else to say.

as others have said, I think CBT and possibly a joint therapy to help her to communicate with you would be the way forward. my best friend had anorexia - and the whole issue is so complex, it must be really hard to be responsible for someone with this illnes - especially alone! you need lots of support too. Surely someone in your area does community or outreach stuff, in a way that she could relate to? It sounds like she's not got the right support at the moment - I don't mean that they are not good, it is that she isn't communicating well with them. Bottom line is that she needs to be back in the unit. Again, lots of people have setbacks and get re-admitted, but get well eventually. She might be making it very hard for you to love and support her just now, but hang in there and stop feeling inadequate, you are her mum and she will find the 'real' DD in all this muddle somewhere.

I know a young girl early 20s who was turning into a monster because of her family situation. A friend of mine took her in a brought her up for a while. She got supervision, love and attention. It really helped her. She has a job now and is much nicer to be around.

It sounds like your daughter needs support and love atm. If you are angry it will make things more difficult.

On radio 4 now if you're around - an article about support for tha families of people with ED. HTH