To be worried about a friend?

[Pinkcat233]

I feel a really horrible person for writing this. I am really worried about a friend of mine. She is a single parent with 2 grown up children 22 and the other 15 they both have complex health needs the 15 year old does not attend school. I feel she is not the same person since covid, there are a few things that trouble me. They have a dog who they don't take for walks due to their own health issues, They haven't taken the dog for a walk since 2019, he seems a happy dog however if on a rare occasion they all go out and leave the dog, the dog will bark all day long. The dog is overweight for his age I have previously offered help to take the dog for a walk or to help them find a dog walker but the eldest has refused.
Another thing that has concerned me is that my friend seems to of lost all control, what the kids say goes particularly her youngest. They will get takeaways almost daily at least once a day sometimes 3 times a day. ( wfh so I notice.) I have been over hers when she has said to her eldest 'Can we get a chippy again?' Can we? like a woman in her late 40s is asking her kids permission to get another takeaway. She had a new oven delivered last week, There are at least 3 shopping deliveries that show up a week, I have been there when one has shown up and its packets of 48 multipack crisps, sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks etc. My friend when we met used to take so much pride in her appearance hair, make up, nails etc. Admittedly I don't make much effort with my appearance some days when I am having an off day but this seems to be most days with my friend. She also used to take so much pride in her house but it just seems to be cluttered with stuff her and the kids buy on amazon, she buys that much food shopping she has had to buy extra storage units to store it I have on many occasions asked my friend if everything is ok and her responses vary with yes I'm fine or 'no sh*t' but she doesn't want to talk about it. How do I approach this without it sounding offensive? Do I insist on helping? I feel so judgmental but I don't mean to I'm just worried at the same time I don't want to offend if they say they are ok.

You are being unreasonable you have no idea what it's like to be a parent of special needs children, it can be soul destroying, the help is non existent especially at that age and as a single parent the energy that would be needed is of 6 people who would get consistent breaks. You can be a friend and not judge, there isn't anything harmful happening there except somebody trying to stay afloat. Support her ask her if you can genuinely help with anything if not quite honestly butt out she will be judging her choices and most likely agonising over them all as it is.

I do actually , I have a child who has special needs it is the most hardest thing I have ever took on.

Then that's even worse that your judging her so harshly

I'm not, its what I am observing. If my child was to say ' we are having another takeaway tonight mum' I would of lost all control. I love my friend dearly.

I can understand your concern. Your friend sounds depressed, there are a lot of indications in your post.
You must live nearby as you see the deliveries , what does she say if you invite her to your house for coffee? Can get dc be left in the house ok? I’m not sure what you can do apart from suggest small things to get her out of the house , coffee, have her nails done with you ( in your home if money’s tight) meet up at yours with another friend or two?

Could you go round and offer to cook them a homemade meal? Maybe do it with your friend and teach her?

You sound like a judgy nosy 'friend'. Keep your beak to yourself and just provide a listening ear. I have a SN child and life is really tough at times . She's obviously coping with life the best way she can .

I'd be worried too OP, I don't think it's being judgy. If I was depressed or not coping I'd like to think someone would notice and care enough to want to help. I'd also be concerned for the health of the kids. And the dog!
Not sure what you can do - have her over for dinner occasionally and insist she takes the leftovers. Ask her to go for a walk with you? Maybe casually bring up the cost of food, where you shop etc and it might open up a conversation... very tricky situation

Life is hard. People do the best they can, as you probably know. It seems you're judging her for doing her best to cope. It's not what friends should do.

That's an interesting post, if the best someone can do is actually detrimental to themselves and their family do we not offer to help simply because they are doing their best?

Not everyone's best is good enough and it is only natural for the OP to want to offer help she knows she can give without judgement

Surely we run the risk of children being terribly treated if we accept that an inadequate parent is doing their best and shrug our shoulders and leave them to it

Wow! it is people like you that make people like me, a mother who also has a child with special needs and my own share of mental health problems too anxious to make posts . I was after some suggestions on how I can approach my friend about such a delicate subject as I have and continue to offer a listening ear and support but I want to offer more practical support without it being in an offensive and patronizing way! I have suffered my own problems in the past year including the devastating loss of my baby at 24 weeks, I can just focus on myself I don't have to offer any help to anybody but I want to. When I lost my son in 2022, she was over mine every day whilst I was in hospital feeding my cats and making sure I had the basics when I returned home! Do not judge me for me wanting to make a difference and be there for My friend as she was for me!! for all those who have offered advice thank you, i will take them on board :)