To ask what going from one to two was like

[unsureaboutmore]

My hard hat is on.

I have a one year old. We have a great standard of living, no money worries, a big home, holidays. I’m taking a planned career break of 3 years to SAH with DD which I am absolutely loving. My marriage feels better after having a baby and it honestly has brought us closer. Great sex life. Regular dates (family help so lots of willing babysitters). Lots of me time for fitness and socialising.

My life is great. DH is happy. I am happy. We are happy to be one-and-done and are 99% sure we want to be the three musketeers.

There is still a slight niggle where I feel like I should have more because I’m at home anyway and constantly receive shit for this, so at least having another might make people shut up. I realise this is silly, but I’ve really struggled with the catty comments from people feigning concern about my pension contributions and mental stimulation.

DH grew up with a sibling so also feels pressure to recreate the norm. Also, I suppose we both feel we can offer a nice life to a child, so feel like we should just do it?

If we went for it- we would want a small age gap because DH is 6 years older than his sibling and although he loves his DB and they are close as adults, they were never as children. His DB was also difficult to grow up due his behaviour, and DH feels he would have been more forgiving had they been playmates.

For me, I want to offer the same early childhood AND go back to work within 5 years, a bigger age gap would mean a different experience for DC2 or more time out of the workforce for- not keen on either of those things.

I love the idea of a new squishy baby. Another seat taken at Christmas. More joy and more love. But I’m selfish. I don’t want things to change.

I want time to exercise, I want finding babysitters to be easy, I want energy to invest into my romantic life my husband. I want to be on one kid’s timetable, not me and DH dividing and conquering- taking DC1 to a birthday party whilst he takes another to gymnastics. I’m so worried about a difficult pregnancy and stress and the pressures of having 2 to shepherd upsetting what we have, as a couple and a family- when we are so happy as we are.

I really hope my clumsy words haven’t upset anyone. It’s not my intention and I’m sure mums of multiples DO return to thriving careers, mind blowing sex, hobbies and great relationships- but I just don’t think I’m up to it :(

So I would love some answers. What was it like for you? Particularly if they were 2 years apart!

Hmm. Writing this down has been very helpful for
me. Thanks to everyone who replies.

You sound like you're one and done to me! And that is OK! It's allowed, it's a valid (environmentally responsible 😉) choice.

I'm a SAHP to two. People won't give you less shit about it because there are two of them 😉

I'm not sure I understand the bit about being able to offer a nice life? I think that but would make more sense if you were considering adoption perhaps? (Not that I'm suggesting adoption, I'm just not seeing how that bit is relevant to deciding on a second pregnancy.)

Two doesn't double the workload, it sort of squares it. With two young ones often their naps clash etc.

...hope my random jumble of thoughts was helpful, I was typing whilst rocking the baby to sleep and have to rush off now to get things done while she's down!

I found it the hardest jump, retrospectively i would have 4 years not 3 if i was going to do it again.

I suppose you see lots of people who are OAD due to financial reasons. It’s not really the case for us. It feels like we are being selfish, however silly that sounds.

Growing up I always thought I would have have a baby, and then adopt or long term foster a second. But now I have seen with my own eyes what a special person it takes to adopt and how much work is needed, and I know I would not be able to offer what these very traumatised children need.

thank you for your thoughts x

I found going from zero to one really difficult. I found having another much, much better as they entertain each other. I found the constant attention on me for my first born really hard. But they now have each other and it's much easier (ie - I can say things like 'go and play while I do XYZ', and they'll happily do that together. My first born wouldn't do anything by herself which made anything done without her impossible.

I have 2 but with a much bigger age gap. There’s 7 years between mine which has been amazing. I would never have coped with a toddler and a newborn. My elder one is helpful but also able to entertain herself so I’ve never felt like either of them don’t get the attention they need.

I found it incredibly difficult! But my second baby was extremely unsettled, we were in lockdown so no support, my eldest wasn't in childcare and my husband was only able to take 1 week paternity leave. I ended up with post natal anxiety and felt a massive failure. Fast forward 2 years and i have no regrets and love being a family of 4, love seeing the bond between my kids and my youngest has brought such a cheeky fun dynamic to our family that we were missing.

Love my husband and we still have amazing times together but no doubt it's harder than having only 1 child. My career is basically on hold!

You sound like you already decided though. So be sure of yourself! Your life does sound fab as it is and you mustn't let societal pressure force you in to it.

I have two who are just under two years apart. I agree with a PP that going from zero to one was the biggest shock. It was a juggle when they were younger and I found it hard when going back to work after having my second, because there were two sets of illness, two sets of appointments, etc. But they're both at school now and do the same activities and there are definitely times when it's easier having two because they play together (though it took us longer to reach this stage than I originally anticipated!)

Having said that, DH and I were always set on having two. I'm one of two, and though there were times when I would have happily traded in my sister as a child, overall it was a good experience. DH's sisters are a lot older, and he wanted his children to have siblings who were close in age. If we were on the fence about having a second, I think all the difficulties would have been much harder.

Another thing to consider is that our elder DC has special needs that weren't apparent when he was 1. If you have a second, and either child ends up needing more attention than you anticipated, would you be kicking yourself for having a second?

I do think if you're going to have a second, you need to know that this is what you want, because there will be many times when it's harder than having one. People who make stupid, judgy comments aren't going to stop because you have a second child, so don't let this sway you one little bit.

I found 2 easier than 1 in so many ways, but I didn’t have a small age gap-3 years. I actually wish they were closer in age but not sure I would have coped at well.
Brutal opinion is the parents of only children once they hit school age have it a lot harder. You always know the parent of an only because as soon as the school bell rings they want a play date, their children are in clubs all weekend. And I love my children but I don’t want to eat dinner at 5pm with them every night.

I just had my second DD in October when my eldest was 2 years 5 months. The beginning with a newborn and a toddler was quite tough and getting to grips with all the logistics of having 2 but now that my youngest is 6 months old it's fine. It helps that my girls were pretty instantly besotted with each other - my eldest hasn't been jealous at all and dotes on her baby sister and the youngest finds her big sister the funniest person in the world! For me, I wouldn't change the past 6 months watching my girls' bond grow for anything but then I always knew I wanted two. Being one and done is an equally valid decision though and I see why you wouldn't want to rock the boat when you're so happy as you are. Given your DC is only 1 I guess you still have time decide. Keep enjoying things as they are and see if the niggle to have more or keeps growing or disappears.

I feel the exact same as you. Watching with interest. I really worry that with two there will never be any breaks- because me and DH will always be occupied with at least one. I need breaks.

I agree with a PP about people's comments not changing because you've had 2. Particularly as I had 2 girls. I always get asked if I'm going to try for a boy next! Even from my MIL when I was about a month post-partum! If you're content with your decision it's no one else's business.

I found it very easy but there's almost 5 years between mine, so eldest helps me out with the baby and she's at school during the day which means I get bonding time with baby too. In fact, I think it made me a better mother as I'm stricter with routine now there's two of them, whereas I was a bit laid back with DD before.
Ultimately, it's up to you. Your career/sex life/bank balance will always take a hit when you welcome a new baby into the family but life gets back to normal as they get more independent.

I found that 2 was not really any different to having 1, but there was a three year gap and I always had in my head that I wanted (if possible) two children.
I'm over 10 years in now and there is a LOT of divide and conquer with afterschool clubs and activities. It's a bit of a military operation at times and can be hard going. I wouldn't change it for the world though, it's crazy but in a good way.
Sounds like you have a lovely family life, don't rock the boat and have a baby just because you or others think you should - you have to do what's right for you!