To Ask How I can change my life?

[UtterlyFedUp11]

I don’t want therapy, I’ve had it for over half my life and honestly made no difference. I need practical advice to follow.

I have zero friends, I don’t know how to have meaningful relationships due to my childhood which has been over done in therapy and I don’t have any energy to even talk about it and I feel numb when I remember it which therapy has done. I feel people don’t want me around and I’m a bother. I’m a very caring and kind hearted person which people in the past have taken advantage of.

I have no hobbies or anything I do for myself, I have a cold and distant husband which I realise now I went for as he was familiar - in terms of what my own mother is like.

I feel so alone and sad all the time.

What do you enjoy, @UtterlyFedUp11? Is there anything? (That doesn’t depend on your perception of what other people think of you?) If so, how might you do more of that thing?

I completely agree that endless therapy might make one feel stuck. Really you want to throw that off and move forward.

You need to stop thinking about other people and start thinking about what you want. It's contradictory but if you put yourself first and become confident, you will attract friends. No one wants to be friends with a doormat apart from users. Think:
What job do I want?
How do I want to dress?
What relationship do I want?
What will make me happy?

I think definitely start with the hobby thing. What do you like to do? If there's nothing you can think of, what would you like to try? A beginner's running club, knit and natter, amateur dramatics, a choir, book club, walking group, etc. Finding people who share an interest with you is the easiest way to start conversations IME. Best of luck! ❤️

Thank you all. I do enjoy reading and I have tried finding a reading group but not found anything. How can I find a reading group in my area?

I would ask at libraries/book shops near you, maybe they would know?

If you can't find one why not start one?

Hmm … Isn’t a reading group potentially dependent on whether you think people there like you or not?

Can you say a little (not outing) about what you do - SAHM / job / study???

If it’s not something you’ve already done, a love of reading might morph into a course of study.

I know you don’t want therapy, how about some CBT techniques? You don’t have to get therapy, but you can find them in a book. It’s not a thing where you talk about your past, but rather face your fears. If you’re scared to meet new people, CBT would have you go and meet people. It’s very practical.

Beyond that, I am struggling with loneliness myself. People have suggested joining clubs, but I am not sure where to find them or what sort of thing they’d be.

I am thinking about volunteering though. Do you have any time for that? A spare afternoon or time on the weekends? I am also considering learning a water sport at a facility nearby. Is there any skill you’ve always wanted to learn? An evening class etc? You may pick up friends along the way.

Also, friends who have dogs swear that they help them feel more social! You could walk a dog via those sharing websites - I can’t remember what they’re called - “borrow my doggy” i think is one of them? (Only if you like dogs!!)

This.

OP, you have a wonderful opportunity to start filling your days with what you enjoy or fancy in that particular moment.

Forget about what others think. Don’t set yourself goals to make friends at all costs. Just aim to meet acquaintances around hobbies, work, community, volunteering. Some acquaintances may eventually turn to friends, but it will be a slow natural process, don’t force it or think about it too much.

Thank you all. I actually got a response to s book club i enquired about! Must be the good vibes on here from everyone reading this.

the thing is I would love to do evening classes but I have young kids so I can only really dedicate weekends to my hobbies. I don’t have support from husband.

i do occasionally meet up with kids friends which is very rare but it feels superficial as we’re running after the kids and keeping sn eye on them so no chance to really chat. I think I want to make non-mum friends where we don’t constantly keep watching the kids. DH is around on weekends so he will take care of them for a few hours.

@Beatlonliness8 i will look into CBT. I did try before but didn’t help. The book sounds like s good idea.
@CountryCousin i work part time, I do have a good job to go back to after kids are older but right now I’m temping which is easier to fit around family life. I don’t really stay in s job long enough to make friends as it’s casual work where I’m needed.

So sorry for typing “s” instead of “a” the keys are too close together on phone!

I’ve been stuck for a lot of my adult life, still am in many ways but I find a lot of what this psychologist posts about resonates with me, not all by any means but enough to help me make a difference.

https://instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

The small steps and one promise to yourself at a time really helps, I have a whole list of areas in my life that need to change but thinking about them all as a whole was so overwhelming I did nothing. Reframing things and making one tiny change at a time really has helped. I’ve still a long way to go but feel more confident I might get somewhere now, rather than still be in the same position in 5 or 10 years like I have been in the past.

It sounds like leaving your relationship would be a good start.

A happy relationship can do wonders for your mental health, and a poor one can completely destroy it.

Meet Up is a good place to look for reading groups or local community noticeboards, Facebook or Next Door. Or your library may do one. I know lots of people in reading groups!

It sounds as if your whole life is on hold … Which must be depressing.

(I won’t ask how you ended up married to a man who doesn’t support you to thrive, or in a part time job that’s taking time away from any career. I do know this is not the only, or inevitable, pattern of family life.)

Anyway … Are you aware of this:

https://www.conted.ox.ac.uk/

It may be there’s a course you could do online with a hybrid element of occasional in person workshops.

As pp has said above - you need to find something to throw yourself into for you, where you probably will engage with other people, not primarily for ‘friendship’ but out of shared endeavour.

And you husband cannot possibly put a time limit of ‘a few hours’ on bringing up his own children.

That's great that you've got a response from the reading club.

I agree with looking at meetup. They have social groups and walking groups which might be good.

Ask your 'mum friends' if they fancy an evening out. They might be feeling the same as you.

What's going on with your dh? Why is he not supportive?

Thank you everyone for the responses. Thank you so much for the links I will look at them later when little one is asleep.

im not sure why DH is not supportive. I think he’s too busy with work to care about anyone else.

Different things work for different people. If you imagined your ideal life as a movie in which you are the star and central character, who else would be in the cast? What would happen?

Dream outrageously, there is no cost or risk to anything you can think of. Try doing it on several different occasions, try completely different versions of your ideal life.

Whatever keeps appearing might spark some ideas on what interests you and bring you joy. Take your time, there is no rush. Just let the ideas come and avoid squashing them with thoughts like 'that could never be me'

There are no wrong answers, just a way to tease out what is in your head just a bit squashed down.

@FinallyHere that's a really interesting idea! I might try that

Could I ask, just out of curiosity, what type of therapy did you have and was it the same therapist the whole time?

@BunnyFun it was different therapists since I was 16. I’m in my late 30’s now. I can’t remember the exact number but must have been over 15/20!

I tried talking therapies most recently with CBT. It really doesn’t help, I don’t know why. I also tried something called DBT a while ago

Jesus why are people going on about book clubs etc.

You want practical advice - get rid of your husband and thrive!! Life is so short, you need to make big changes sometimes. Get rid and love life.

Thanks.
It took me over 30 years of on/off therapy to make significant progress.
I think if you have suffered complex trauma as a baby or child it can be incredibly difficult to get through to the root cause and emotional pain.
Probably the best thing I ever did was read the following book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Conquer-Your-Critical-Inner-Voice/dp/1572242876/ref=asc_df_1572242876/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7890875799143861778&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006886&hvtargid=pla-451375422655&psc=1&th=1&psc=1
which encourages you to listen and fully express your critical inner voice to understand what you believe about yourself and where those beliefs come from.