To think the silent treatment is conflict?

[Sadandbroken1]

In the process of divorcing but stuck in the same house. STBXH has completely ignored me for the last year. He won’t even talk to me or look at me in front of the primary age DC. When I have tried to talk to him he ignores me, walks away, or shuts the door in my face. I have given up now. It’s really upsetting and also practically a pain as I never know if he has seen an email or when he will reply.

Anyway, the only reason he has given is that this is all “to avoid conflict”. I get that its not shouting etc (which we didn’t do much before anyway - he would just walk away/stonewall etc). It feels like conflict to me though being ignored like this. AIBU to think that this is conflict?

He isn't doing it to avoid conflict he is doing it to maintain control.

Exactly this. He controls the conversation by only communicating on his terms.

It is astonishing and incredibly demeaning that he treats you with such contempt in front of your children. He should not be in the house if he is not able to demonstrate basic respect towards you in front of the children.

Look up coercive control, he sounds like he fits the bill.

Not talking to someone isn’t conflict. Harry Styles won’t talk to me but that’s on me. However, your DH has a legal and social obligation to at least communicate with you until all your affairs are tied up and you are no longer living together. It’s also abusive to the children to be treating their mother this way in front of them as they will learn the behaviour.

As a teacher l was very distressed to hear that a child's parents in the same house weren't talking for a long stretch as it was having serious impact on the child with changed disruptive behaviour. This is very serious for the dc as well as for you.
Seek solicitors advice to see if you could have the right to get him out of the house due to this coercive control. He is deciding the mood of the whole house and its very damaging.

It depends entirely on why you are divorcing. Sometimes someone just doesn't want to speak to a cheater or an abuser. My ex husband was both and at the end, I couldn't bear to look at him let alone talk to him. If you've decided to end the marriage and just presented this to him, I can see his POV. So depends on the circumstances. Silence isn't always about power it could be hurt and self protection. If he is the abuser and that's why he's behaving like this, then it's another form of control.

I filed for divorce because I couldn’t cope with his behaviour anymore - stonewalling, blaming me, walking on egg shells…He kept saying I was a bully and an abuser and I kept trying harder but it was never enough. I guess he justifies the silence now on that basis.

Your situation sounds hard and I understand if he was abusive. I really don’t think I am though and know we could do so much better for the kids.