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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel DH doesn't like me all that much?

19 replies

Ginnyfromtheblock · 02/05/2023 07:46

DH and I were.just relaxing and he said "I have something naughty to say. "i like it when you get irritated when your mum annoys you. It's the same was you make me feel when you ask those questions". And I said, "Wait, that's not nice, that's a bit like schadenfreude." And he said, "Yeah it is, I think it's good you feel like that, I recognise the pattern in your questions and your mum's and it IS irritating for me when you do that so I kind of like seeing you get annoyed in a similar way."

Back story: Earlier today I got annoyed with my mum for asking me a bunch of annoying questions (eg. why is the baby crying? And a whole bunch of follow up questions.. in itself it doesn't sound annoying but I just thought it isn't that unusual for a little baby to cry, it's how they communicate).

So I guess DH feels I ask him a bunch of annoying questions that have obvious answers. But isn't it cruel to enjoy somebody else feeling some sort of negative feeling. He likes.it because he thinks I deserve to feel like that given that's how I make him feel (unintentionally by the way). I just think about when was the last time I actually enjoyed watching someone feel bad about a loved one, and I couldn't.. I mean I'm not a saint, I remember I had a particularly nasty boss and I was quietly pleased she got into trouble one time. But I don't think I would ever enjoy seeing a loved one experience something negative, not even after a big argument or something.

haven't said anything to DH. He obviously feels very irritated by me asking him questions about things (I think I only really do it to gain a better understanding about a situation whereas DH sort of operates on a 'need to know' basis and I often find the information he gives too limited to get a better picture).

DH and I have known each other for 4 years and married for 3. We have a 6 week old baby which we have been very happy about. I think our relationship could be better. We argue in but of an ugly way maybe once every 6 weeks :( I think for me I'm quite an emotional person whereas he maybe undiagnosed and on the spectrum, I often find him blunt and quite direct.

Anyway, I feel really upset about him feeling happy at me feeling annoyed by mum, it feels unkind to me and it makes me feel like DH must not like me that much. AIBU?

PS. Please be gentle in your criticism if you have any. I'm not feeling brilliantly post baby and now this little news from DH

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginnyfromtheblock · 02/05/2023 07:53

Also to add.. we both acknowledge in general we don't have the happiest relationship because we do frequently fight. But we do try and things are generally nice and we both put in equal amounts of effort. DH has been very supportive throughout my pregnancy, during and after birth and we haven't fought about the baby and seem to be doing things really naturally and well together when it comes to the baby.

I'm just saying this to give a fair picture of us. Please no advice about divorce etc. I know we aren't perfect but we both do try. We are happy 80% of the time and we would like to try make our relationship work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginnyfromtheblock · 02/05/2023 18:31

Just wondering whether there was any opinions on this. I'm hoping it's a case of my post partum hormones and I'm over thinking a silly joke

OP posts:

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/05/2023 18:35

Could he not just mean 'I'm glad when it annoys you when your mother does that so you can see how bloody frustrating it is when you do it'? Maybe no malice in it, more just trying to get you to understand what it's like?

rainraingoawaay · 02/05/2023 18:35

I think what he says makes sense tbh - you do to him what your mum does to you - he probably feels slightly vindicated in his feelings when he sees that you're also annoyed by it.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 02/05/2023 18:37

The ugly arguing once every 6 weeks or so worries me more now you have a baby to be honest. Could you consider couples counselling to find a way to work through both parties feelings before it turns into an argument?

hourbyhour101 · 02/05/2023 18:42

I say this kindly

If you do to him what your mum does to you. I get it. Because I bet he's told you you do this and you brushed him off or minimised it. So he's like ahhh now she knows how annoying it is.

It's not a reflection on your marriage, it's him trying to get you to knock it off or to at least acknowledge your actions in a light hearted way.

We are all doomed to repeat behaviour we had growing up and that's why everyone fears turning into their mother.

You have a partner who's being honest with you, you want a partner to challenge you in some respects.

I get you have had a baby and things are in that I haven't slept and your breathing at night is offensive to me. But you want a partner who talks to you.

Not one that silently seethes and doesn't talk. Love doesn't just vanish - it dies a death when communication stops being a two way street. Getting cross at him will only stop communication and in the long term won't help you

Dilemma19 · 02/05/2023 18:53

rainraingoawaay · 02/05/2023 18:35

I think what he says makes sense tbh - you do to him what your mum does to you - he probably feels slightly vindicated in his feelings when he sees that you're also annoyed by it.

I also think the same and it's fair enough. You got annoyed with your mum but do the very same thing, how is he now the one in the wrong for pointing it out?

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 18:59

(I think I only really do it to gain a better understanding about a situation

That's why your mum does it too.. how can she be annoying but you not ?

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 19:00

Also, yeah your husband is being a dick but I can see where hes coming from, sort of.

Choconut · 02/05/2023 19:10

I'd have to laugh about this - cheeky bugger! and tell him that my questions are always relevant and well thought out while my mums are clearly annoying and inane!

MatildaTheCat · 02/05/2023 19:15

It sounds as if you have different communication styles if you are regularly having issues. Having a new baby is massively stressful so try to be kind to one another.

When you’re both calm could you talk about this and both try to just be a bit nicer? It’s odd but frequently we are the rudest to those we love the most.

BadgerFacedCoo · 02/05/2023 19:16

Is your Mum passive aggressive? Why is he crying? Can you cope with a baby? You seem tired.... Hmm mm?

It's possible you've learnt it at her knee. Do you ask questions you know the answer to to make a point?

My Mum isn't very nice and at my worst I hear her voice in my head and even coming out of my mouth. Therapy helped.

commonground · 02/05/2023 19:29

Honestly?

What your mum said was annoying.

What he said was mean. No need. Not cool.

YAdeffoNBU!

Original poster

Ginnyfromtheblock · 03/05/2023 02:34

This is completely off topic. It's really tough being a mum. It is relentless. I'm nearly 7 weeks postpartum. I don't recognise my body anymore, I sometimes leak pee. My pelvic floor exercises are painful for my urethra. My back is aching. My baby has been up until 5am so many nights in a row now. Mums don't get enough credit or appreciation. On to of everything they need to get back to a full time job. My boobs are full and nipples ache. I'm so exhausted I just want to sleep. I love my baby but at the same time I feel like I just lost my old self and I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. How do you all do it? An entire internet forum for mums. So many of the population are mums and they just do this every single day forever... I'm in awe.

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 03/05/2023 03:07

Ginnyfromtheblock · 03/05/2023 02:34

7 weeks postpartum is very early days and a difficult time. No wonder you were hurt by your husband essentially telling you off, it was insensitive of him.
You haven’t lost your old self, you’re just going through a difficult stage of motherhood, you haven’t recovered physically from childbirth and your husband chose to wind you up unnecessarily.
It gets easier, I absolutely promise you that. I think we often forget just how hard it it at 7 weeks PP but by heck it really is hard, mentally and physically. Anyone who says otherwise either has rose tinted spectacles on or was lucky enough to have an easy birth, easy baby and lots of help.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 03/05/2023 03:14

Our first barely slept as a baby, 12 months of never sleeping for longer than an hour. I couldn't tell you how I got through, I was too exhausted. It was hour by hour, and moment by moment when that's all I could cope with. You survive, you find a way through. I've been through so much with kids and stbxh, gotten through so much I didn't think I could, I surprised myself. You get used to it. Give yourself some time, this is so new, you'll get there.

FictionalCharacter · 03/05/2023 09:21

@Ginnyfromtheblock Are you feeling any better today?

3487642I · 03/05/2023 11:13

I think it would have been different if he'd said something like, "you know how you were annoyed at your mum for asking you those questions today? Well that how I feel when you ask me questions, so can you try not to ask me so many questions?'. What he was saying makes him sound vindictive. I certainly would feel the same as you - not pleased to have a partner who took pleasure in me being annoyed.

If he withholds information from you and shares the bare minimum with you, so you're kept in a position where you need to ask him questions to access information you need to know, then that sounds problematic, and really difficult to live with tbh.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/05/2023 11:27

It's tough times with a new baby and you both need to be kinder to each other, which is hard when you already fought a lot before having the baby. However now is a good time to both be more grown up and put the baby/each other first.

In this specific example, I can see where he's coming from. He's felt got at by your questions in the same way you feel got at by your mother. So he's feeling like he has a legitimate grievance. Your response to that is to feel hurt - as per your OP - and like you have a legitimate grievance, because he's being mean, as you see it. There's no good outcome to this line of thinking. You'll both feel hard done by and neither one of you will be seeing each other's side. The fact you're taking sides against each other is the underlying issue when you need to be on the same side, your little family against the challenges you face together.

This isn't going to just happen as it's ingrained behaviour and your established dynamic, and even pointing it out is bound to make you both feel defensive and like it's the other person's fault. When you're over the initial hump of the newborn stresses, I'd urge you both to get couple's counselling so you can address the issues, accept shared responsibility and work out new ways of dealing with each other that don't involve these patterns of conflict. Now is a good time to change for the better, or else things will only get worse.

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