To think that replacing stolen food doesn't make taking it acceptable?

[Ahsoka2001]

I have a housemate who seems to think it's socially acceptable to eat/drink our stuff as long as he replaces it afterwards.

He admitted to eating my other housemate's tomatoes a few weeks ago when my housemate noticed they were missing. He then said he was going to replace them first thing in the morning but it slipped his mind.

Saturday night he knocks on my room door and asks if the cider on top of the fridge was mine. I say yes and he casually replies (with a tone as if he's simply asking about my day) "I drank one, I'll replace it tomorrow."

Well, he does indeed replace it but then proceeds to drink the replacement bottle he bought and message me, "Hi I'll replace the cider tomorrow."

I know me being silent about it isn't helpful (I'm one of those "avoid all conflict" types of people which is an issue I'm trying to fix). I will calmly, firmly ask him to just ask in future.

However, a friend I told about this said that they didn't think it's much of an issue, since it's only small stuff he's stealing and "at least he's replacing it, lots of people steal and never give back".

My best friend used to do this when I lived with her, she wouldn’t buy her own junk food but would eat mine and replace it constantly.

It was annoying but for her I would put up with it because she was an awesome person (and I knew she has lots of issues around food). Some random person that hadn’t earned those friendship rights though I would have been much more annoyed.

Just tell him it's inconvenient, and could he please not.

Ha! CF country, this is just the beginning. Put your stuff in your room and draw some very clear boundaries. Or be treated like this for the rest of your life by anyone who feels so inclined.

Just lace some with laxatives for him to steal. He will think twice before doing it again.

When I flatshared we used to deisngate some things communal - toilet roll, milk, bread, cooking oil, washing up liquid etc.. But that did rely on people taking their turn to buy these things and not being a CF. I did once have one flatmate who would happily eat the nicer bread and when it was her turn would buy the cheapest value sliced bread.

Some people would be OK with this, and that's fine

Others wouldn't be OK with this, and that's fine too

But you can't expect your flatmate to know how you feel if you haven't told him. Frame it as "please can we agree to buy our own food and only eat what we bought", rather than "please don't take mine" ie focus on what you want him to do, rather than telling him off

I had a housemate like that. He would help himself to stuff and then replace when he next went to the shops. However that could be days away. I lost it with him in the end when I got home late planning to make a toasted sandwich and he finished my bread. He never took any of mine again.

I think you need to be firm but unemotional. The tomatoes - “Oh I am going to need tomatoes for my
lunch today so you need to replace them by 12 noon” etc etc.

He’s a lazy arse who probably justifies to himself “They didn’t need the food.” So make sure you tell him you’re going to use the food and he needs to replace it immediately.

It's not fine to just assume you can bell yourself to someone else's food without asking

But clearly, like OP's flatmate, there are people that think it is

You're going have to put him straight ...he can see you're afraid of confrontation so will carry on until you either lock food away or rip him a new one.

Put note on cupboards and fridge

Polite request
BUY YOUR OWN FUCKING FOOD

Simple

Amen, QueenB

@NotAnotherBathBomb I wouldn't like it at all. But my point is, some people wouldn't have a problem with this

Since you haven’t said anything negative even though he’s been very up front about what he’s doing, it’s hardly surprising he thinks it’s socially acceptable. Almost all the feedback he’s getting is that it is, indeed, fine.

And in some circles it is. I have lived in house shares where that’s been the norm and others where it isn’t. It can make for an easy going situation where you don’t have to plan everything too tightly if everyone is pretty much on the same page and fairly easy going, and it can be a total nightmare if one person takes the piss or if you have a need to have everything planned out.

So just bloody tell him you don’t want him to do it. Avoiding “conflict” (it’s not conflict for god’s sake, it’s just telling him what you want) is really anti-social. It puts the all the work of communication onto other peoples shoulders.

By "conflict" I meant "potential conflict". As another poster pointed out some people can be quite hostile even though you're just telling them calmly what you want. I'm not saying he would react that way but it's always possible.

Anyway, I've already messaged him and asked him to please ask next time. He said no worries so hopefully that's the end of it all. If not, well, that's a bigger problem we've all got on our hands...

It’s worse, really, when you are trying to avoid something that might not even happen, and if it does will likely be very minor, with someone who’s given you no good reason to think that’s how they’ll be. That’s even more jumping through hoops you expect of everyone else because you won’t be honest.

You’ve said you’re trying to tackle being conflict avoidant and I’m glad. I’m just pointing out that it isn’t just for you that you need to do this. It’s really anti-social. And if you’re going to live with other people that’s pretty poor.

I’m glad you managed to let him know how you want it to be and that he responded reasonably (as the majority of people do). I hope he doesn’t test you down the line but if he does, that you can find the courage to speak up for yourself.