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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by this

23 replies

JMSA · 01/05/2023 23:36

16 year old daughter has her first boyfriend. All very new and exciting and she's happy, so I'm happy for her Smile
I'm the resident parent and she stays with her dad 2 nights per fortnight. I do all the nitty gritty stuff and carry most of the mental load.
She told me tonight that her dad will be meeting her boyfriend for the first time this week. I haven't met him yet. I know I'm being massively unreasonable - and I'm usually not a sensitive parent when it comes to this stuff - but I do feel a bit hurt!
The reason, as far as I can tell, is that her dad is rich. His car is impressive, his house is grand. I live in a lovely Georgian flat but it certainly has its quirks! She's embarrassed by the fact that she shares a room with her sister, that she has a single bed (as opposed to a double or king), and that the TV in their room is an old school one.
Can anyone help me feel a bit less shit about this? I know I'm being ridiculous, but menopause will do that at times!
Thanks.

OP posts:
shmiz · 01/05/2023 23:38

She shares a room with her sister ….
has her own room at dads ???
bringing the boyfriend round, it’ll be about the room -
I bet !

Notimeforaname · 01/05/2023 23:40

Most teens are shallow..she'll grow out of it eventually and be mortified with herself.
Roll your eyes and laugh.

Original poster
JMSA · 01/05/2023 23:41

Yes, I think you're right. And yes, she does have her own room at dad's.
I guess I just felt her reasoning was a bit shallow ... but maybe that's just teens, and I'm being silly.

OP posts:
shmiz · 01/05/2023 23:43

To a teen with a boyfriend- privacy / own room is everything !!!! dont take it personally

it’s a practical, estates issue to her I reckon !!

Offleyhoo · 01/05/2023 23:49

Agree with pp. Don't take it personally.

FatGirlSwim · 01/05/2023 23:50

I don’t think it will be because he’s rich. I think it will be because sharing a room with her sister and having a single bed will feel less grown up. And she will want privacy.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 01/05/2023 23:52

Teens are shallow! I agree it’ll be about the room. They grow out of the shallowness. In the meantime try not to feel hurt by it, just tell her you’d like to meet him too.

switswooo · 01/05/2023 23:55

I’d be hurt too, it’s a bit thoughtless of her not to introduce you first as she spends so much
more time with you.

However, image is often important to teens and it sounds like she wants to impress bf with the grand house, big car and large room.

I’d let it go but I wouldn’t be asking her when she’s going to introduce him to you. I’d wait for her to ask, no harm in taking a step back.

switswooo · 01/05/2023 23:57

shmiz · 01/05/2023 23:38

She shares a room with her sister ….
has her own room at dads ???
bringing the boyfriend round, it’ll be about the room -
I bet !

I don’t think it’s about the privacy so much, she won’t be rushing to get a new boy into her room so quickly at her dad’s.

I think it’s showing off the grand house, the big car etc.

Original poster
JMSA · 01/05/2023 23:59

Thanks for being so nice, everyone Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
JMSA · 02/05/2023 00:00

Boyfriend is rich too. He boards at a very exclusive school.
You could say I'm the poor relation Grin

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2023 00:02

JMSA · 01/05/2023 23:41

Yes, I think you're right. And yes, she does have her own room at dad's.
I guess I just felt her reasoning was a bit shallow ... but maybe that's just teens, and I'm being silly.

Less shallow, more horny...

Original poster
JMSA · 02/05/2023 00:03

@SleepingStandingUp

I don't think she's ready for that yet, but I do suspect it will happen in due course!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2023 00:04

I do think tho it's worth talking to her about it Tho. She has no right to be ashamed that the roof you put over her head isn't posh enough for her rich boyfriend, it's really disrespectful of all you do. She's hormonal and young, but she is old enough to accept how hurtful that is

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2023 00:05

JMSA · 02/05/2023 00:03

@SleepingStandingUp

I don't think she's ready for that yet, but I do suspect it will happen in due course!

Might be worth a chat with Dad about what you both expect re open doors etc.

Original poster
JMSA · 02/05/2023 00:07

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2023 00:04

I do think tho it's worth talking to her about it Tho. She has no right to be ashamed that the roof you put over her head isn't posh enough for her rich boyfriend, it's really disrespectful of all you do. She's hormonal and young, but she is old enough to accept how hurtful that is

Her 21 year old sister totally understands my point, so I do think it's an age and stage thing to a degree. But you're right, it IS a bit disrespectful. The ironic thing is that she's worried her dad will embarrass her, which I would tend not to do! So it's all about the show.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 00:07

JMSA · 02/05/2023 00:03

@SleepingStandingUp

I don't think she's ready for that yet, but I do suspect it will happen in due course!

Good grief, this is very, very naive. You need to have a big conversation about contraception, ASAP.

vipersnest1 · 02/05/2023 00:08

Let her get on with it for now - she will learn eventually on which side the grass is greener (I.e. who's got her back when she needs help).

Sittingonabench · 02/05/2023 00:09

I understand why you think the way you do but keep an open mind - it could be she holds you as higher value than her dad, I.e. see how it goes with friends before family type thing. At that age she might be thinking he hasn’t earned meeting you yet especially if she hasn’t met his parents?

Original poster
JMSA · 02/05/2023 00:09

@Aquamarine1029

We've chatted it all through, so no worries there. I'm big on boundaries and have taught her to be. So I'm confident that she won't be pressured into anything until she's comfortable and ready.

OP posts:
Original poster
JMSA · 02/05/2023 00:10

Sittingonabench · 02/05/2023 00:09

I understand why you think the way you do but keep an open mind - it could be she holds you as higher value than her dad, I.e. see how it goes with friends before family type thing. At that age she might be thinking he hasn’t earned meeting you yet especially if she hasn’t met his parents?

I'm not sure that's it, but I do love your very kind take on it, so thank you!

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 02/05/2023 00:17

This is really about 'getting a room' and she can't do that with her sister there.

Original poster
JMSA · 02/05/2023 00:18

She would have stayed out of the room to give them some privacy, but yeah, it's not the same.

OP posts:
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