Teenage daughter survival tips?

[Nodsmileandbiteyourtongue]

Hand hold required
Tearing my hair out with 15 year old DD. I can rarely have a simple conversation with her without her taking offence, getting narky, sneering at me and sniggering in my face if I calmly pull her up on rudeness. I wouldn’t dream of treating my mum the way she treats me. She’s always had difficulty self regulating - daily meltdown for years and years. That’s long behind us (although she still has high anxiety) but this is really starting to get me down. I have a normal mutually respectful relationship with DS so don’t think it’s just that i’m a shit parent! She’s aceing school and regularly sends loving texts but we can barely be in the same room for 10 minutes before it all kicks off. Someone give me some golden nuggets of advice to help us both survive! I know she struggles with life and needs my support but I can’t get close to her when we clash so regularly.

voting for curiosity-

YABU: normal teenage behaviour, buckle up and ride it out
YANBU: She’s being massively disrespectful and if you don’t sort this out she will treat you with contempt for ever after.

I have a 15 year old a bit cheeky lately but not too bad

I am thinking I need to reach the right balance of realising he is not little any more and talk to him a bit more grown up like

Will always be my baby but I find his behaviour is worse when I 'baby' him because I genuinely forget his age

This is my 12 year old. Hormones have obviously kicked in and we can't even look at him right. There are still moments where there is a glimpse of the "real him". That gives me hope that at some point there will be a turn around.

When theyre are rude I always repeat

I think you meant ‘thank you for caring’
or ‘I think you mean ‘Thank you for making dinner’

Just change the expectation - no argument required.

I have a 21 year old daughter. She's an absolute joy.
13 year old daughter isn't too bad.
16 year old daughter, if I hadn't given birth to her myself, I'd seriously question the connection

My DD is 16 and about to do GCSEs. Apart from the odd bit of attitude we get on really well, weekends away, baking, walks together etc. obviously she does lots of things without me too and has a weekend job.
the only advice I can give is to try and dedicate some time together, ask her what she would like to do and talk about what she enjoys and has an interest in.

These things have helped me:

1. Not rising to it.
2. 7 positive comments to one negative.
3. No advice unless asked for. Seriously, she's heard it all before, many times.
4. Ask for her advice on random things, and use it.
5. Tell her you love her, and why.
6. Be clear about what you don't put up with, but don't harp on about it. Be consistent and fair.
7. Listen. You don't have to agree, but you need to respect her right to have an opinion.
8. Understand that she's still figuring things out. She will make mistakes; never say "I told you so".
9. Apologize when you've been a tit.

10. Trust her.

I also think that this is a time when they are watching you most. It seems as though they're horrified by your every move, but they're noticing how you do things, and this will show as they become an adult.

Lastly, look after yourself. This is a tough time, make sure you have what you need to get through it.

We do puzzles together in the evening when dh has gone to bed (he has an early start). Either a puzzle book, or a jigsaw puzzle, we have both on the go. This means us working together positively and has allowed us to have some fabulous, relaxed conversations.

If you want a Big Chat, do it in the car.
If she is starting to get arsey, check if she is hungry, thirsty, tired, bored, sad.
Even if she's being a total git, give her a way to back down and unless she has been unbelievably dreadful, extend the olive branch first.
Become familiar with her music, Netflix series, tiktok whatevers - don't end up out of touch so they tell you nothing. Show interest and encourage chatter. Not so familiar you are deemed weird.

Just wanted to show solidarity OP, as I'm going through the same with my DD. And also picking up tips from PP.

DD is so loving at times, but at other times she acts like I am the most cringeworthy specimen of humanity to have ever been before her.

Thank you all so much for your advice and insights. Love to those going through it too and cheers to those that have made it out of the other side.

We used to have scheduled protected time where a couple of times a week we would take ourselves off and hang out and chat about whatever she wanted. This has tailed off as she’s more interested in watching Netflix on her phone and I’ve taken the disengagement as normal teenage withdrawal and now work longer hours so not around as much. Maybe I should try and bring that back in one guise or another. I try and plan things for us to do together, baking, shopping, coffees out etc but we’re both so high alert for things going tits up she’ll often avoid rather than risk it.

Puzzles in the evening would be good if we can both work on our time management! And I’ve been thinking about getting one of those Alexa thingys so she can listen to her music in the house. She lives in headphones and I’ve no idea what she listens to so that could bring us closer.

Lots of sage advice Stripycatz, thank you. Much I lived by through the (also) tricky younger years but perhaps I’ve lost touch with recently. Time to refocus.

I would pick your battles - untidy room - let I go. Not answering when you say morning - fine whatever.
Rudeness as in shouting/aggression, swearing/insulting. Id take phone away for an hour. For lying or more serious issues. Phone gone over night.

Also yes try to do nice activities together to keep bond.

My first dd was awful between 11-16, second was awful 15-19. Both are lovely now.

Oh the teen years. Absolutely horrible! It will get better . It just takes time!